Tag Archives: mentoring

Asking Good Questions

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Asking good questions is critical for building a relationship – this is especially important in mentoring relationships.  Yet many of us struggle to form questions that allow people to answer without feeling judged.  One of the questions that emerging adults dread is “How’s school?”  This question is especially heinous to emerging adults who are not attending college, or have dropped out.

Good questions are open-ended, and lead to reflection rather than to pat answers.  As a mentor, you don’t want to answer their questions and make decisions, but to guide them as they reflect on their lives, and make their own decisions.

  1. So how has that been working for you?
  2. Where do you think that this is going?
  3. What have you learned about yourself, about God, about the world?
  4. What can I do to support you?
  5. Does the Bible offer any direction for you?
  6. What do you think that you need to hear from God?
  7. What’s keeping you from _______________?
  8. What other resources do you have?
  9.  What do others think about this?  friends, parents, and other relationships?
  10.  What happened the last time that you did this?
  11.  What is the next right step?
  12. How will this matter in 5 years?  in 10 years?

I hope these encourage and guide you.   Please leave your favorite question in the comments below.

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director of EA Resources.  He loves being a dad, and shepherding emerging adults.  If he can help your faith community, please contact him. 

Four Obstacles to a Mentoring Relationship

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In order to build an atmosphere where a mentoring relationship can flourish, you must avoid these obstacles.

Constrained Time

Relationships do not develop overnight, but require time and attentiveness.  We cannot rush the process, but must allow enough space in our lives for a  relationship to develop.  Communities confined by a Sunday School hour, a weekly bible study, or events will simply remain programs without authentic community.  Quality relationships with emerging adults rarely develop within the confined timeframes of your programs.  If you want to build a community, you must be create space where time is not a factor, and moments seem to stand still.

Lack of Purpose

Your time together should go beyond simply “hanging out.”  Refuse activities where we simply exist in the same room (even superhero movie marathons – which are AWESOME), but that involve minimal personal engagement.  While watching movies can build bridges, leaders must be purposeful about building relationships.  We must regularly reach beyond the day-to-day business of life and move towards intimacy.

Limited Empathy

Empathy is a crucial skill for mentoring environments.  Other important social skills involve the ability ask questions, listen, encourage, and produce laughter.  When building a team, we must look for people with those skills which will naturally develop mentoring relationships. Empathy for those of other generations develops as you understand the challenges they face.  Webster Younce stated, “The best way to reach anyone or any generation is to take their views and perspectives seriously.”  If you don’t understand the challenges faced by emerging adults, then how can you expect to possess empathy for them?

Assigned Busywork

In order to build a mentoring environment, find meaningful work to them do.  Parks states, “The importance of giving young adults opportunity for genuine adult work and a felt sense that they are recognized as having the capacity to share shoulder-to-shoulder work with other adults cannot be overestimated.”  (Parks 2000)  We must invite emerging adults to the table so that we can do work side by side.  Look for work which will build community, and allow different generations to work side-by-side.  When a group has a common vision and truly labors towards that goal, you will be amazed at the relationships that will develop.

Other Links about Mentoring Environments:

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director of EA Resources.  if he can help your community reach understand the needs of emerging adults, please contact him.

Why your mentor is not good enough.

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This image and other images of emerging adults are available on our website.

You may have a good mentor.

You may have a great mentor.

You may have the world’s best mentor.

However, I have bad news for you.  Your mentor is not good enough.

I believe in mentoring relationships.  Well, I actually believe in symbiotic relationships which better expresses the mutual benefits of the relationship.  I also prefer the word discipleship (2 Timothy 2:2), but since neither of those words are trending, I will stick with the word mentor (imagine your favorite sad emoji – here).

Here are four reasons why your mentor is not good enough.

The instability of life.

chalabi-datalab-moves

SourceURL:https://fivethirtyeight.com

The geographical instability of Emerging Adults causes instability in many other areas of life including: income, living situations, and relationships.  Distance affects our relationships, and it doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.  While relationships can continue long distance, you can’t get a hug online.  Make sure you have multiple healthy relationships in case your life (or their life) makes a sudden left turn.

Your mentor is not fully equipped to meet all your needs.

I am high maintenance.  Ask my mentors.  Ask my wife.  Ask my friends.

The good news for them is that I am worth it.

And so are you.

One individual cannot possibly meet all your needs. Even the best mentors are limited in their own skills, knowledge, and bandwidth. There are people who perform some elements of what mentors do, while failing altogether in other elements.  (Parks 2000)  We all have various needs which may include:  social, vocational, relational, financial, and academic. Take time to reflect and understand the depths of your needs and identify several individuals who can support you.

Your mentor doesn’t have the time to meet your needs.

We all live under time constraints, and have a limited network of relationships.  While our mentor may want to spend time with you, other issues may rightly take precedence in their life.  No single relationship can satisfy the casting needs for the drama of our becoming. (Parks 2000)  We are all needy – at times in life. We need regular support, and putting that pressure on one individual to meet your needs moves a mentor towards burnout. If you always see Jane on the weekends, but she works during the week, maybe you can locate someone who has a similar schedule as you to connect with during the week.

Your mentor cannot give you a proper concept of community.

Mentoring should not simply be done exclusively in coffee shops, but should extend into everyday, dynamic contexts.  While a mentor can help you process the issues in life, you also need mentors with whom you can experience life together.  According to Parks, places that typically represent the power of mentoring communities in young adult lives are higher education, professional education, workplaces, travel, the natural environment, families, and religion.  (Parks 2000)  In a community setting, mentors can see the individual’s behavior, and observe how others respond.

Your mentor is not enough.  This is the purpose of mentoring community and the beauty of the body of Christ.  A church which seeks to build intergenerational relationships is naturally designed to fulfill this purpose (Read More).

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director of EA Resources, and the Founder of the EA Network – a Facebook community focused on those who minister to emerging adults.

 

Creating a Mentoring Community for Emerging Adults

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The three developmental tasks of adulthood are to discover vocation, establish autonomy, and develop community.  These tasks cannot be accomplished overnight, and emerging adults require support to accomplish these tasks.

In her book, Big Questions, Worthy Dreams, Sharon Parks states that one place where emerging adults can find this support is a mentoring community. Parks describes a mentoring community as “an environment or milieu that provides the right mix of support, challenge, opportunity, and inspiration.” (Article)  Mentoring communities can be formed in many social settings including: a classroom, laboratory, athletic team, residence hall, neighborhood or church. Regardless of the form, here is an overview of Park’s list of essential aspects for a mentoring community.

Park’s list of essential aspects for a mentoring community.

1.  Support

When developing a mentoring community, you must create an atmosphere where emerging adults feel supported through words and actions.  Although spiritual direction and encouragement are central to your ministry, your support must go beyond quips and Bible verses.  Your support must be abundantly clear, resulting in tangible acts.  Emerging adults must have their basic human needs met to focus on the developmental tasks of adulthood. (Read more about Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs as it pertains to adulthood.)

2.  Challenge

While providing support, you must also challenge emerging adults.  We must promote questions in order to cause growth and to stir them towards autonomy of beliefs and actions (Raising Expectations on Emerging Adults).  Good questions from mentors include: How is this working for you?, What do you think?, How would you respond?, and How does that apply or affect your life?

3.  Opportunity

Mentoring communities must provide opportunity.  Mentors seek to give meaningful work, training, and service opportunities to emerging adults.  These opportunities provide experiences and sharpen job skills which prepare emerging adults for future vocations.  Within your community, create opportunities where emerging adults can both serve and lead.

4.  Inspiration

Inspiration is essential to a mentoring environment.  Emerging adults must be “invited to imagine a future that can hold significance and purpose – both for self and for the larger world.”  (Article)  Inspiration produces hope, inspires dreams, and sparks motivation.  The living Word of God contains endless passages which can inspire emerging adults.

Each week as your community meets, evaluate whether or not you adding enough of these ingredients to help emerging adults grow and flourish.

If Dr. G. David Boyd can help your church design a community for emerging adults, you can contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.  If you work with emerging adults (18-25), check out the EA Network.

Resources:

Big Questions, Worthy Dreams by Sharon Parks

Beyond Mentoring – Marks of a Symbiotic Relationship

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Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

Last month, I shared how the church needs to think beyond mentoring to engage emerging adults.  Mentoring often gives the impression of an omnidirectional relationship where one person gives and one receives.  Our economic mindset has also set the image of a mentor as one who stands in authority over another, and who serves as a gatekeeper for wealth, knowledge, or fame.

The church needs to go beyond mentoring.  Rather than succumbing to our western society which values independence, the church needs to rediscover its roots in our interdependence.  God created the church to do more than gather together, but to need each other.  One picture used regularly to illustrate the interdependence of the church is the body of Christ (see 1 Cor 12; Rom 12).

Christians should be seeking symbiotic relationships, where each partner benefits from the relationship without assumptions of power, rank, or importance.  A symbiotic relationship is a connection that is for the mutual benefit of each individual.  Here are some marks of symbiotic relationships:

Relational versus Programmatic

Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2014. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

We were designed by God to be in relationships with others.  Church leadership needs to manage less programs, and become more relationally perceptive.  Shepherds need to see who within our community would naturally connect in symbiotic relationships.

In nature, symbiotic relationships develop because both animals see the need, and are drawn by the natural benefits of the relationship.  Those seeking relationships must ask, “Who has God placed near me?” and “Who am I naturally drawn towards?”

Authentic versus Staged

In typical mentorships, the mentor must come with the gathering staged or set.  Whether it is a set list of questions, a specific topic, or even to allow the meeting unplanned, the mentor feels responsible for setting the stage.  When this responsibility is laid solely upon one member, it can lead to a lack of authenticity.

Symbiotic relationships still require intentionality, but the responsibility is shared.  Intentionality turns hanging out with a friend into building spiritual intimacy.  Someone must lead the discussion towards our faith, and then allow the Holy Spirit to steer the time towards sacred space.

Learning versus Teaching

In symbiotic relationships, participants approach the relationship saying, “What can I learn?”  Teaching is the natural outflow of two different parts of the Body of Christ working together, occurring without a lesson plan as the Spirit speaks through His word, the conversation, and sharing life.

Purpose-giving versus Purpose-driven

Rarely do people want to be someone else’s purpose-driven spiritual project.  Unfortunately, sometimes mentors believe that they know exactly what their partner needs.   (For instance, “I need to show them…”, or “They need to learn…”).  One individual controls the relationship rather than letting God work freely.  God always set the agenda of symbiotic relationship.

Symbiotic relationships provide personal significance.  Our motivation for the relationship is not because I am supposed to do it, but because I see how my life matters to another person.  As we walk away from a symbiotic relationship, both people are thinking, “Wow, I needed that.”

Many people who use the term “mentor” have already moved beyond the stereotypical and possibly unhealthy uses of the role.  Regardless of the term you use, as a member of the Body of Christ, seek interdependent relationships.

david in hat - blackDr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of Emerging Adult Resources.  He resides in Apple Valley, MN with his wife Rachel and three boys.  If you would like to contact him, you can reach him at gdavid@earesources.org.

Shaping the Journey of Emerging Adults

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During my seminary years, I took a class on discipleship.  I enjoyed our teacher.  I enjoyed the class.  I did not enjoy the final class project.  We were supposed to design an image and curriculum that conveyed our plan of discipleship.

I hated it.  Going through the hoops, I sketched out some baseball diamond shape, but I would never have used it (partially because I cannot imagine celebrating “second base” with a disciple).  As modernism invaded our seminaries, students and professors planned and objectified everything about the faith – including disciple-making.

Discipleship cannot be summed up in a curriculum, or Jesus could have simply written a textbook.

shaping the journey of emerging adultsShaping the Journey of Emerging Adults: Life-Giving Rhythms for Spiritual Transformation by Richard Dunn and Jana Sundene was published by Intervarsity in 2012.  This book steps towards removing the modernistic perspective by inspiring the church to build intergenerational relationships for the cause of the Kingdom.  Along with the authors, I believe, “Fully mature spiritual adulthood cannot be reached without intentional relationships that invest Christ’s grace, truth, and love into the young adult’s life.”  (Dunn, 16)

I appreciate their understanding of the challenges facing emerging adults (who are currently Millennials) without bashing them.  They state,

A caring disciple maker does not soothe the unpleasant aspects of this stage away.  Instead, they value this God-given time of life as a way for the young adult to become more attuned to the work of becoming like Christ.  (Dunn, 40)

The authors’ understand that, “Among today’s emerging adults, often there are less consistent markers, making ‘reaching adulthood’ more confusing.”  (Dunn and Sundene, 40)  Marking the road to adulthood by developmental markers (rather than traditional markers like marriage, children, buying a home, or having a job) helps emerging adults continue to mature.  I believe there are three main developmental markers for emerging adults:  Discovering Vocation, Establishing Autonomy, and Developing Community.

The book presents three “Life-giving Rhythms” for Spiritual Transformation.  I appreciate the imagery provided by the phrase “life-giving” because sometimes our spiritual development appears to drain the life out of us rather than give us the life that Jesus speaks about in John 10:10.  Their three rhythms are:

1.  Discernment

“Disciplemaking relationships can take multiple forms, varying in style and approach according to the personalities involved.” (Dunn and Sundene, 65)  Listening to the voice of God on the behalf of another requires discernment.  A disciple-maker’s desire is not simply for us to examine their lives and see what we want changed, but to listen to them and discern what God is doing.

2.  Intentionality

Spiritual depth in relationships rarely happens naturally, but requires intentionality. “Intentionality produces positive spiritual tension.”  (Dunn and Sundene, 91)  Disciple-making is filled with “awkward” moments that are not to be avoided, but cherished.

3.  Reflection

Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2014. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

I appreciate their emphasis upon the importance of reflection for both emerging adults, and those working with them.  Emerging adults are too focused on surviving the present, and forget to savor the past.  It is important for all Christians to reflect on God’s work and faithfulness in the past in order to hold to faith in the present.

These three aspects frame their practical applications, and are helpful for those seeking to impact others.  What a great gift to the church in order to help us move towards a new era of disciple-making.

The “life-giving rhythms” of spiritual transformation should not be practiced only by older adults, but both sides of intergenerational relationships give and receive.  This is what makes the body of Christ not dependent on one another, but interdependent as God designed us to be.

 

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to churches and parents of emerging adults.

 

Beyond Mentoring – A Call for Symbiotic Relationships

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Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2015. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

Mentoring is a hot topic these days within the church.  Many people say they want to find a mentor, however, few actually do the work (or find the courage) to acquire one.  Sharon Parks writes, “Restoring mentoring as a cultural force could significantly revitalize our institutions and provide the intergenerational glue to address some of our deepest and most pervasive concerns.” (Parks 2000, 12)  This quote acknowledges that our deepest concerns about our society and the church cannot be solved by one sector of society, but will require a unified vision of all generations.

Many young adults seek after mentors within their vocational fields in order to build their knowledge, contacts, and other resources.  Emerging adults are taught to seek after mentors in order to advance.    This perspective of mentoring further defines mentoring as a relationship where one gives to another.  One partner of the relationship is a gatekeeper to money, fame, experience, or advancement.

Mentoring is defined as “someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person.”  (Merriam-Webster, Online).  This definition clearly expresses a unidirectional relationship where one gives, and the other receives.  However, anyone who has spent significant time with a person from another generation knows that both individuals give, and both individuals receive.  Healthy human relationships are omnidirectional where giving and receiving moves in both directions.

As Millennials come of age, a new perspective of mentorship has emerged, one which is changing our understanding and praxis of mentorship.  Kinnamen states, “Are you open to “reverse” mentoring, wherein you allow younger leaders to challenge your faith and renew the church?”  (Kinnamen, 205) Setran and Kiesling in their excellent book Spiritual Formation in Emerging Adulthood say, “…guidance still desperately needed but it is a guidance that is dialogical and mutual rather than unidirectional mentoring (Setran, 206).  We must acknowledge the interdependence of human relationships among generations.  While many resort to the word mentoring, the concept has changed and requires us to go beyond.

© 2011 Lakshmi Sawitri, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio

Scientists use the term symbiosis to describe relationships that exist for the mutual benefit of each individual.  One example of a symbiotic relationship is the Goby Fish and Snapping Shrimp.  The near-blind shrimp relies on the eyes of the Goby fish while constructs and maintains borrows on the ocean floor.  With one flap of his tail, the fish communicates to his partner that danger is present.  Another example is the African Oxpecker’s relationship with various large African animals.  Larger animals are cleared of ticks by the Oxpecker who live off the ticks (and according to more recent findings, the blood of their host as well).  Symbiosis illustrates the interdependence relationships that God designed humans to develop. (Here is a scientific article on the topic.)

© 2009 Ian White, Flickr | CC-BY-ND | via Wylio

We were designed by God to be in relationships with others.  Interdependent relationships cause growth and maturity.  Interdependent relationships supply love and encouragement.  Interdependent relationships provide personal significance (“My life matters to another person.”)

The time has come when we are called to go beyond mentoring.  We must seek relationships in which we give and receive.  We must move from independence into interdependence.  We must call others to do the same.

References:

  • Spiritual Formation in Emerging Adulthood by Setran and Kiesling
  • You Lost Me by David Kinnamen
  • Big Questions, Worthy Dreams by Sharon Parks

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to parents and churches as they seek to help emerging adults.