Tag Archives: marriage

Will marriage become extinct?

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Marriage between man and woman today “is becoming extinct.”

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Copyright 2016 Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography LLC

 

That was the view shared by Jennifer Murff of Millennials for Marriage at a recent speech to an audience of young people from various countries who attended a conference promoting marriage and families in Beverly, Massachusetts, CBN News reported.

Here is the rest of the article from Christianity Today.

My Favorite Line –

The problem is that instead of trying to reach a compromise with the young people, the older generations tend to shun them, especially since these millennials are now more often accepting of gay marriage, premarital sex and even abortion—things that are non-negotiable for many adult churchgoers.

Statements like this display the desperate need in churches for Generational Mediators.

Marriage statistics are clearly changing – due to various reasons including:  the availability of birth control, rise of cohabitation, and the lessening of sexual taboos.  Regardless of what you believe on these issues, this trend should affect our churches and how we approach, evangelize, and disciple the next generation.

While I don’t believe that marriage will become extinct, the question among Millennials is no longer, “When do we get married?”, but “Why get married at all?”

 

 

How Long should an Engagement be?

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Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

Can an engagement be too short?

Absolutely. 

Can an engagement be too long?

Absolutely. 

Unfortunately for my wife, I didn’t really put too much thought into the length of our engagement.  We had discussed marriage, and although a winter wedding seemed practical to me, Rachel had other plans.  After a time of reflection (or let’s call it – enlightenment), I realized that in order to have Rachel’s fall wedding, I had to immediately propose.  Luckily, I already had purchased a ring and asked for her parent’s approval.

While an engagement can be too short (or too long), the length is not as important as what you do during that time.  As a couple, you must discuss what is right for you.  So if you are planning an engagement period, here are some positives and negatives for either a long or short engagement period.

Thoughts Concerning a Short Engagements 

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Limited Time to Process – Marriage introduces a ton of change into the lives of the couple, and these changes take time to process.  While less time might be a blessing for doubters or those who struggle with anxiety, a short engagement can cause others to neglect thinking through the commitment that they are making.  (Read more on the Purpose of Engagement)

Limited Time to Plan – Becoming one requires a lot of work by the bride and the groom.  If both partners are working full-time, the extra workload of fulfilling the extra responsibilities during engagement will be extremely stressful.  Even the simplest of weddings requires many hours of preparation.

Limited Period of Sexual Tension – While I believe it is best for a couple to remain abstinent before the wedding, the engagement period is a time when emotional, spiritual, and sexual boundaries in the relationship need to change.  As a couple become more physically involved, their bodies will naturally lead them towards sexual fulfillment.  A short engagement helps the couple maintain their boundaries.   (Read more about the relational changes during engagement, Engagement is Awkward.)

While there is a lot of work to accomplish during this period, one emerging adult said, “If you keep a short engagement Christ-centered and smart, it can be wonderful.”

Thoughts Concerning a Long Engagement 

Time to Process and Plan – A long engagement allows the couple to fully explore their relationship and the commitment they are making.  The couple is not focused entirely on the day-to-day or the looming ceremony, but they are also able to think through their decisions and discuss the changes they are experiencing.

Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

Time to discuss tough issues – Engagement periods can be a time when the couple is faced for the first time with conflict when their values clash as they are forced to make decisions together.  Sometimes couple who rush through their engagement will bury problems until later because they know there is not time to fix the problem.

More Living Expenses – Unless one or both of the couple are living at home, living separately can often be a financial burden to the couple.  Emerging adulthood can be an expensive phase of life with little income, and so it is wise to save whenever possible.  I wouldn’t necessarily move up your wedding, but you might want to live with family or friends until the big day comes rather than pay rent at two places.

Difficult to maintain physical boundaries – One EA states, “Some of the long engagements I have seen have been so hard on the couple – specifically the struggle with sexual sin as the months pass.”  Even for couples who maintained clear boundaries while dating find it difficult to remain sexually pure once a promise is made.  A long engagement will require them to regularly discuss their physical boundaries, and the sexual tension between them.

There is no right or wrong answers, but each couple must decide based upon:

  1. How long have you known each other?
  2. In what capacities have you known each other? (Are you together regularly, or are you long-distance relationship?)
  3. What do your friends and mentors believe about your decisions?
  4. How well do you as a couple deal with stress and waiting?
  5. What do you sense God is leading you to do as you pray?

Whether long or short, your engagement can be all that you dreamed as you both seek God and follow His leading.

 david in hat - blackDr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to Emerging Adults, and those who love them.

 

 

How Long is Too Long? Waiting for Prince Charming to Pop the Question.

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rachel by water

Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com

He rode into your life on a white horse.  He swept you off your feet, and stole your heart.  You sensed God’s leading and blessing in this fairy-tale love story.  But that was months ago, years ago, and nothing has progressed.  While you have talked many times about long-term commitment, he has yet to “Put a Ring on it.” Continue reading →

10 Myths about Getting Married Young

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10 Myths about getting married youngEmerging adults now wait longer to get married and have children.  According to United States Bureau of the Census report, the median age of marriage among males in 2011 was 28.7; it was 26.5 for females. The average age of first marriages has been rising since the 1950s (US Bureau of the Census 2004, Table MS2).

As the average age of marriage in America continues to rise, those who marry when younger feel the backlash of going against society’s norms.  Many Christian young adults who desire to maintain their sexual purity are deciding to get to married earlier than their peers who are sexually active.  I recently came across an article that discusses how society responds when a couple makes a decision to get married at a young age.

I do not believe people should be married at a certain age, but I do believe that young adults should be disqualified due to their age.  Young adults should not be judged by their age, but by the character and decisions that they display.

Like most articles that I post, I am sure to disagree with the author on various points, but I believe that different perspectives are helpful for empowering young adults, and encouraging their parents.

 

 

 

 

4 Lies Church Taught Me about Sex

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I found this article well-written, and true as I work regularly with those who were raised in the church, and are now married.

Two Quotes:

“Those of us who choose to wait do so because we hold certain beliefs about the sacredness of marriage and about God’s intentions and wishes for humanity, and we honor these regardless of whether they feel easier or harder.”

We do not refrain from sex because God will bless our sex lives.  We seek to glorify God with our lives before we are married by remaining pure.  We glorify God after marriage by enjoying His gift of sex.

“In the meantime, we in the evangelical church has a lot of work to do correcting the distorted ways we talk about sex and sexuality, especially to our youth.”

No youth pastor has ever tried confuse their students about sex, but it happens.  Even if we are careful about what we teach, we cannot control how it is heard.  However, perspectives like this are helpful as we try to address the sexual purity that is so desperately needed in our society without directing our sheep into other errors.

Read the Article here.

Dr. G. David Boyd

Building Your Credit – As two become one.

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build credit togetherAs I talked about to young couple starting marriage, one of their main concerns was building their credit score.  Credit scores are important for couple who are considering borrowing money for larger purchases like a car or home.  After two people say, “I Do.”  Your credit score affects both of you.

I searched around the web and found a great article for those who are in the process of building their credit score.

The only part that I don’t appreciate is there assumption on Point #6, “All relationships end.”  While divorce is common even among Christians, what a terrible outlook on marriage!  If you assume that your relationship is going to end, you will not fully give yourself to the marriage.  Marriage relationships require both partners to fully commitment themselves to the long-haul.

May God guide and strengthen your marriage.

 

 

Dad and Mom aren’t the best source for your Marital Advice.

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hand_hands_wedding_It seemed as if the honeymoon would never end.  However, marriage is not as easy as you once thought.  You have discovered that your spouse does have an opinion and they have the audacity to believe you are wrong.  So when the honeymoon bliss turns to marital strife, where do you go for help?

A strong marriage requires a strong support system which can include: parents, friends, relatives, and counselors. In order to survive, many couples need outside support or they will crumble.  Although you need your parents support, asking them for help in times of conflict can become unhealthy rather quickly, and here are the reasons why.

1.  Marriage requires Leaving and Cleaving

Autonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  It is essential for the development of you and your marriage.  As you mature, the relationship with your parents needs to redefined, and you should be making more decisions, and dealing with the consequences.

In a marriage, the couple forms a new unit as they leave and cleave.  Genesis 2:24 states, “For this reason, I man will leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  One emerging adults describes this as, “when you marry your wife, she becomes the most important relationship in your life (other than with God) no matter what.  I feel like going back to your parents to resolve relationship issues in marriage is a dangerous road to go down.”

It is important for new couple to develop their conflict and communication skills.  One recently married emerging adult states, “Families tend to take sides and have strong opinions. We want to work out our true ideas and communication skills.  …going to our parents too often splinters our relationship.”  Involving your parents can also establish an unhealthy pattern for years that will be harder to break.

2.  Marriages need Objective Advice

Many parents are able to give godly counsel.  However, few if any parents are able to provide objective advice when it comes to their children.  One parent explains, “Parents are naturally biased towards their own children.  I don’t know if it’s fair to ask a parent to be objective in a situation that affects their child’s happiness.”

While counseling an EA, he responded, “I hear what you say, but my dad’s advice resonates with me.”  I wanted to laugh, but I was able to refrain.  There is a reason why dad’s advice resonated with him. Advice received from parents matches the values of their marriage and home.  However, a new marriage requires objective counsel that would incorporate the values of both partners in the marriage relationship.

3.  Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Involving your parents can also make a small problem, into a bigger one – involving more people.  Matthew 18:15-17 talks about how we are to seek resolution with the person who offended us.   One emerging adults says, “It’s not hard for me to leave parents out because it’s not their place to be in the middle of my and my fiance’s relationship. That’s just plain unhealthy.”  Involving other people–even parents–can lead to people taking sides and make things messier and more complicated, especially since third parties often have limited information about the conflict.

Another danger of involving parents in your marital conflicts is that your parents will be hurt, but unable to participate in the healing process.  This will cause feelings of hurt, and bitterness towards your spouse, even after you have been reconciled.  One newlywed expresses her protection of her husband by limiting what she shares to her parents.  “After I got married, I need to be protective of our relationship and respectful of him when sharing with others.”

  4.  Look Around

You don’t need to struggle alone.  There are additional sources of encouragement including friends, mentors, counselors, and pastors.  Who has God placed in your life that might be a source of encouragement to you?  Each phase of marriage is different, and God might have brought them into your life in order to help you on your journey.

Getting help requires courage.  I pray that this gives you the courage you need to step out and get help.

Your Role in THEIR Marital Conflict

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Love - Wedding BandsMarriage can be difficult.  In order to survive, many couples need outside support or they will crumble.  A strong marriage requires a support system which can include: parents, friends, relatives, and counselors.  Supportive parents are especially essential during the early years of marriage, but when disagreement arises in a marriage, what role should you as a parent take?

The role of a parent during times of conflict within a marriage is a complicated issue.  If your child is having a rough time in their marriage relationship, here are some thoughts how to help support without crossing boundaries.

1.  Listen

Listen using empathy to support your child.  Don’t seek to fix them or their spouse.  Ask questions to seek understanding of who they are, and how they feel.  Offer encouragement that they are not alone, and give them hope that they will make it through this conflict.  Remind them of your marital struggles, and the growth your marriage encountered through them.

It is more difficult to show your support for your child when they make decisions and embrace values different than your own.  Watching a child make bad decisions is a painful process, but God often uses pain to mold our character and direct our steps.  One mother says, “I learned to be quiet and support him even though I strongly disagreed with his choice and his lifestyle.  By taking a neutral role, our relationship grew back to the point where my son turned to me.”  Maintaining a healthy relationship while sharing different values will show them your love and support while affirming their newly-founded autonomy.

2.  Allow Autonomy

weddingAutonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  Allowing your adult children to have autonomy is difficult especially when they are dealing with the consequences of poor decisions.  However, as one parent says, “A child has to feel the pain of his own choices before they will make the decision to change.”  A child’s autonomy includes the development of their marriage relationship.

In a marriage, a couple forms a new unit as they leave and cleave.  In Genesis 2:24, the Bible states.  “For this reason, I man will leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  One emerging adult describes the transition, “When I started dating, I told my mom everything. I gradually started doing this less, but it has taken time and effort. My mom and I are really close, and the transition has been hard. Now that I am married, I need to be protective of my new marriage relationship.”

As they face difficulties, the couple must work towards decisions as a couple, and then learn to deal with the consequences.  This does not mean you cannot encourage, offer general principles of advice, and listen.  If the couple needs additional help, direct them to other sources of counsel including a pastor, counselor, or mentors.  In the end, you want your child to feel as if they made the decision, and you are supporting their autonomy.

3.  Forgiveness and Acceptance

A family is not made from perfect relationships.  A family is made when people stick together through the hurt and pain by healing and reconciliation.  One mother writes, “We all will make mistakes, but the simple phrase I love you and I am sorry goes along way.”  These two phrases are especially helpful tools when working with your emerging adults.

Even listening to your child talk about the hurt in their marriage could damage your relationship with your new in-law.  One parent says, “I have found that there is a need for me to forgive when there have been deep hurts against my child and ask God to help me be the loving parent that my in-laws need.”

Guard your heart and be aware that you will have to find grace and forgiveness for them.  As you add a new member to your family, mistakes will be made.  Feelings will be hurt.  Tempers will be lost.  Sometimes this hurt happens because of direct action, but at other times it is because of pain that was inflicted upon your child.

Remember that not all conflict is bad for your children.

Conflict can be an instrument of God to work in the marriage and the lives of both partners.  God could be using their disagreements to make the marriage healthier and happier.

Don’t run to rescue them, but let God use conflict in your child’s life to remake them.  In the meanwhile, you pray.  One parent reflects on this need.  “It is critical for parents to be daily praying for God to grow the marriage.”

Pray that they will learn to communicate.  Pray that they will each be humble.  Pray that they will become more like Christ.