EA Resources | Tag | emerging adults

Beyond Mentoring – Marks of a Symbiotic Relationship

Posted on March 25, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

Last month, I shared how the church needs to think beyond mentoring to engage emerging adults. Mentoring often gives the impression of an omnidirectional relationship where one person gives and one receives. Our economic mindset has also set the image of a mentor as one who stands in authority over another, and who serves as a gatekeeper for wealth, knowledge, or fame.

The church needs to go beyond mentoring. Rather than succumbing to our western society which values independence, the church needs to rediscover its roots in our interdependence. God created the church to do more than gather together, but to need each other. One picture used regularly to illustrate the interdependence of the church is the body of Christ (see 1 Cor 12; Rom 12).

Christians should be seeking symbiotic relationships, where each partner benefits from the relationship without assumptions of power, rank, or importance. A symbiotic relationship is a connection that is for the mutual benefit of each individual. Here are some marks of symbiotic relationships:

Relational versus Programmatic

We were designed by God to be in relationships with others. Church leadership needs to manage less programs, and become more relationally perceptive. Shepherds need to see who within our community would naturally connect in symbiotic relationships.

In nature, symbiotic relationships develop because both animals see the need, and are drawn by the natural benefits of the relationship. Those seeking relationships must ask, “Who has God placed near me?” and “Who am I naturally drawn towards?”

Authentic versus Staged

In typical mentorships, the mentor must come with the gathering staged or set. Whether it is a set list of questions, a specific topic, or even to allow the meeting unplanned, the mentor feels responsible for setting the stage. When this responsibility is laid solely upon one member, it can lead to a lack of authenticity.

Symbiotic relationships still require intentionality, but the responsibility is shared. Intentionality turns hanging out with a friend into building spiritual intimacy. Someone must lead the discussion towards our faith, and then allow the Holy Spirit to steer the time towards sacred space.

Learning versus Teaching

In symbiotic relationships, participants approach the relationship saying, “What can I learn?” Teaching is the natural outflow of two different parts of the Body of Christ working together, occurring without a lesson plan as the Spirit speaks through His word, the conversation, and sharing life.

Purpose-giving versus Purpose-driven

Rarely do people want to be someone else’s purpose-driven spiritual project. Unfortunately, sometimes mentors believe that they know exactly what their partner needs. (For instance, “I need to show them…”, or “They need to learn…”). One individual controls the relationship rather than letting God work freely. God always set the agenda of symbiotic relationship.

Symbiotic relationships provide personal significance. Our motivation for the relationship is not because I am supposed to do it, but because I see how my life matters to another person. As we walk away from a symbiotic relationship, both people are thinking, “Wow, I needed that.”

Many people who use the term “mentor” have already moved beyond the stereotypical and possibly unhealthy uses of the role. Regardless of the term you use, as a member of the Body of Christ, seek interdependent relationships.

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of Emerging Adult Resources. He resides in Apple Valley, MN with his wife Rachel and three boys. If you would like to contact him, you can reach him at gdavid@earesources.org.

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Essential Website Resources for those Ministering to Emerging Adults

Posted on March 18, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

L group of ea ast week, I shared some free on-line resources for parents of emerging adults. If you missed it, you can find it – HERE!

While there are not many free on-line resources for those seeking to help emerging adults, here are a few that I have found essential.

FullerYouthInstitute. I appreciate all the work done by Dr. Kara Powell and her team. The link above provides many free resources to churches.
SSEA.org – The Society for the Study of Emerging Adulthood is an organization launched by Jeffrey Arnett. They provide a listing of free resources for those interested in studying young adults.

Chuck Bomar’s Blog. Chuck has written several books about college ministry and the changing world of emerging adult faith.
CollegeLeader.org. An organization that has spun off from Chuck Bomar. The blog is not regularly up-dated, but contains articles that apply directly towards those doing college ministry.
EA Resources – Emerging Adult Resources is my favorite – of course! Our desire is to design and publish resources for churches, parents, and emerging adults. Click here, if you want to join our team to make this happen.

If you would like to recommend a website to this list, please contact Dr. G. David Boyd at gdavid@earesources.org.

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We know it is a problem.

Posted on March 16, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

We know it is a problem.

There are young adults are leaving the church (for various reasons), and while some are returning as they age – many others are walking away never to return. Continue reading →

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How to Fix your credit after Falling on Hard Times

Posted on March 9, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

Scrabble Series Debt from Flickr via Wylio

A range of circumstances can damage your credit. Loss of your job, getting behind on various loan payments, and carrying a high balance on your credit card can contribute to bad credit. As you begin the credit repair journey, it’s important to stay positive and to focus on doing it the right way. By having faith and taking control of the matter in a mature and morally responsible way, you can get your credit score back up again.

Ways to Repair Credit After Bankruptcy

Dire circumstances can sometimes force us to file for bankruptcy. After doing so, you must first understand where you stand. Firstly, you should know your credit score, which can be obtained for free once a year from Annual Credit Report. Know that filing for bankruptcy deeply hurts your credit (from 130 to 240 points), so prepare to see a low number. Check for any errors on the report, and notify the credit bureaus if you find any. Credit reporting errors can seriously damage your score.

Not all types of debt can be eliminated in bankruptcy, such as tax debts and student loans. Make a chart of these debts and then highlight those that have high balances or high interest rates.

Once you have a clear picture of what you owe, you need to figure out ways to get your balances lower, as making payments on time and lowering balances is the best way to improve credit. Another option is to open new lines of credit and paying off your balance each month.

Change your financial habits as well. Repent for past mistakes by setting a financial plan for the future and having the willpower to stick to it. Have payment reminders sent to you so you know when money is due. Resist the temptation to spend on things you don’t need. Self-control can help a lot here, as you can put more money in your pocket each month with simple lifestyle changes, such as eating out less, renting movies instead of going to the theater, and carpooling to work. If you can, find extra work by using your networks in the neighborhood, at church, and within your family.

Ways to Repair Credit After Foreclosure

Anything from unemployment and underemployment to overspending can cause foreclosure. Losing your home is emotionally difficult, and sometimes it’s hard to focus on getting back on track.

The first thing you should do is make sure you and your family have a safe and affordable place to live. The monthly payment shouldn’t exceed 28 percent of your monthly income. Understand that you won’t be able to get a mortgage for three to seven years. Stay patient and positive, and work to rebuild your credit during this time.

Address your current financial situation and review all your debts. Plan to pay those with the highest interest rates and balances first. View your credit score, but don’t get too distraught even though it’s probably down anywhere from 85 to 160 points. Faith and the motivation to make positive changes are what you need, not negativity.

Work on ways to cut down on expenses and continue to pay down debt. Put those credit cards away unless you absolutely have to use them. Discipline is what you need right now.

Fixing your credit after falling on hard times takes patience, self-control, and willpower. It’s a long road, but the right blend of faith, lifestyle changes, and careful planning can put you on the bright road to credit recovery.

Jesse Woodhouse is a Team Lead at TopTenReviews. He is a proud husband and father and loves sports, music and the outdoors.

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Questions to Consider Before You Get Engaged

Posted on March 2, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

“Sadly, some couples rush toward marriage as soon as they taste the initial burst of romance. They may have only dated for a few months, but their blissful feelings convince them that they are destined for each other.”

For those considering engagement, here are some questions to consider:

1. Are you both married to Jesus?

2. Can you resolve conflict together?

3. Have you both dealt with your baggage?

4. Do you have the support of family and friends?

5. Have you sought pre-engagement counseling together?

6. Do you bring out the best in each other?

7. Is leadership properly established in your relationships?

8. Are you truly passionate about each other?

Read the article HERE.

While I don’t agree with everything stated in the article, I believe that it is important to carefully reflect before stepping into engagement.

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources.

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The Purpose of Engagement

Posted on February 23, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

He buys the ring. He asks her parents for permission. He gets down on one knee. He asks the question. But what does it really change? What is the purpose of engagement?

A betrothal (or engagement) period has been around for many centuries, and is well documented during the time of the Old and New Testament. In Matthew 1:18-21, we are told that Joseph and Mary were betrothed. Betrothal was, “a binding contract established between two families and sealed by the exchange of gifts. During this period the couple did not live together; sexual relations with each other at this stage was regarded as equivalent to adultery.” (Reference) A betrothal was so sacred that unfaithfulness during this period was punishable by death.

Engagement is a vital step for the health of a life-long relationship. So if you think a ring is in your future, here are the four purposes for the engagement period.

1. Prepare our communities.

Engagement is a time when the couple’s community is alerted to the couple’s commitment. One emerging adults said, “The purpose of engagement in my mind is a formal declaration of intent.” It is the formal act whereby a couple announces to parents, relatives, and friends that they are taking active steps towards marriage.

Weddings were never meant to be a private affair, but something to be supported by an entire community. Community support for the wedding is important because marriages are not lived out in isolation, but always exist within the framework of community. As Western society breaks down community in favor of an individualistic lifestyle, our perspective of marriage has been twisted into a private matter lived out within the confines of our suburban home guarded by the fences between us. We must begin realize that a marriage is strengthen by strong public ties to others.

2. Prepare for life together

Engagement is a time when you begin to make preparations to live together. As a couple, you begin how to make decisions together, learning how to compromise, and to resolve conflict. Questions that you need to answer include:

Where will we live?
Will we have money?
What will we eat?
What will we drive?

However, your questions must go deeper than the practical everyday decisions. Your preparation must include preparing yourself emotional, mentally, and physically for a healthy marriage. One emerging adult said, “There are certain parts of you (deep spiritual and emotional things) that aren’t necessarily healthy to share with someone who you are just dating, no matter how long. Engagement is a great period of transition, where for the first time, there is a promise of forever attached to a relationship, which allows you to move towards each other spiritually and emotionally.” I believe that there are not just physical boundaries that couples should observe, but emotional and spiritual boundaries that should not be crossed until marriage. (For more on this, see Premature Intimacy.)

Faced with such decisions, not all engagement periods are easy, and many couples find themselves in need for a third reason for engagement – counseling.

3. Premarital Counseling

One EA says that premarital counseling, “pushed us to discuss the harder topics.” Dating and engaged couples often stay away from problem topics either to keep everyone happy, or because they are unaware of relational landmines surrounding them. Premarital counseling will examine issues in your relationship including: communication, conflict, finances, marital roles, and past family dynamics.

Although you may feel overwhelmed preparing for the ceremony, good pre-marriage counseling is worth every minute. (Many states give a discount on the marriage license to couples who spend time in premarital counseling.) Notice that I included the word “good.” Be selective about who you choose to do your counseling. The main factors for choosing a counselor should be: relational (Do they understand people?), comfortable (Do I feel as if I can be authentic?), experienced (Do they any experience working with marriage?), availability (Will they care about me and my partner?), and location (Are they too far away?).

4. Plan the Wedding

The last reason for the engagement period is to plan the wedding. While it is the most obvious, it is not the most important. No one will remember the décor or food at your wedding; so don’t let these details keep you from enjoying the other aspects of your engagement. It is hard work to plan a wedding, but many families cave to societal pressures, and make it harder than it needs to be.

As you approach engagement, please know that the process of becoming one may be difficult. One EA says, “Engagement has proven for both of us to be the time that we’ve both experienced our greatest doubts and also our greatest joys with one another. However, there’s a new level of safety in the fact that we’re both on the same page preparing to commit to one another that has allowed for deeper honesty (even in the hard truths and confrontations) and has resulted in a greater spiritual and emotional connection.”

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director of EA Resources. He is supported by a group of emerging adults who speak into his articles in order to help others. If you are interested in joining his team of contributors, you can contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.

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Shaping the Journey of Emerging Adults

Posted on February 19, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

During my seminary years, I took a class on discipleship. I enjoyed our teacher. I enjoyed the class. I did not enjoy the final class project. We were supposed to design an image and curriculum that conveyed our plan of discipleship.

I hated it. Going through the hoops, I sketched out some baseball diamond shape, but I would never have used it (partially because I cannot imagine celebrating “second base” with a disciple). As modernism invaded our seminaries, students and professors planned and objectified everything about the faith – including disciple-making.

Discipleship cannot be summed up in a curriculum, or Jesus could have simply written a textbook.

Shaping the Journey of Emerging Adults: Life-Giving Rhythms for Spiritual Transformation by Richard Dunn and Jana Sundene was published by Intervarsity in 2012. This book steps towards removing the modernistic perspective by inspiring the church to build intergenerational relationships for the cause of the Kingdom. Along with the authors, I believe, “Fully mature spiritual adulthood cannot be reached without intentional relationships that invest Christ’s grace, truth, and love into the young adult’s life.” (Dunn, 16)

I appreciate their understanding of the challenges facing emerging adults (who are currently Millennials) without bashing them. They state,

A caring disciple maker does not soothe the unpleasant aspects of this stage away. Instead, they value this God-given time of life as a way for the young adult to become more attuned to the work of becoming like Christ. (Dunn, 40)

The authors’ understand that, “Among today’s emerging adults, often there are less consistent markers, making ‘reaching adulthood’ more confusing.” (Dunn and Sundene, 40) Marking the road to adulthood by developmental markers (rather than traditional markers like marriage, children, buying a home, or having a job) helps emerging adults continue to mature. I believe there are three main developmental markers for emerging adults: Discovering Vocation, Establishing Autonomy, and Developing Community.

The book presents three “Life-giving Rhythms” for Spiritual Transformation. I appreciate the imagery provided by the phrase “life-giving” because sometimes our spiritual development appears to drain the life out of us rather than give us the life that Jesus speaks about in John 10:10. Their three rhythms are:

1. Discernment

“Disciplemaking relationships can take multiple forms, varying in style and approach according to the personalities involved.” (Dunn and Sundene, 65) Listening to the voice of God on the behalf of another requires discernment. A disciple-maker’s desire is not simply for us to examine their lives and see what we want changed, but to listen to them and discern what God is doing.

2. Intentionality

Spiritual depth in relationships rarely happens naturally, but requires intentionality. “Intentionality produces positive spiritual tension.” (Dunn and Sundene, 91) Disciple-making is filled with “awkward” moments that are not to be avoided, but cherished.

3. Reflection

I appreciate their emphasis upon the importance of reflection for both emerging adults, and those working with them. Emerging adults are too focused on surviving the present, and forget to savor the past. It is important for all Christians to reflect on God’s work and faithfulness in the past in order to hold to faith in the present.

These three aspects frame their practical applications, and are helpful for those seeking to impact others. What a great gift to the church in order to help us move towards a new era of disciple-making.

The “life-giving rhythms” of spiritual transformation should not be practiced only by older adults, but both sides of intergenerational relationships give and receive. This is what makes the body of Christ not dependent on one another, but interdependent as God designed us to be.

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to churches and parents of emerging adults.

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Beyond Mentoring – A Call for Symbiotic Relationships

Posted on February 17, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

Mentoring is a hot topic these days within the church. Many people say they want to find a mentor, however, few actually do the work (or find the courage) to acquire one. Sharon Parks writes, “Restoring mentoring as a cultural force could significantly revitalize our institutions and provide the intergenerational glue to address some of our deepest and most pervasive concerns.” (Parks 2000, 12) This quote acknowledges that our deepest concerns about our society and the church cannot be solved by one sector of society, but will require a unified vision of all generations.

Many young adults seek after mentors within their vocational fields in order to build their knowledge, contacts, and other resources. Emerging adults are taught to seek after mentors in order to advance. This perspective of mentoring further defines mentoring as a relationship where one gives to another. One partner of the relationship is a gatekeeper to money, fame, experience, or advancement.

Mentoring is defined as “someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person.” (Merriam-Webster, Online). This definition clearly expresses a unidirectional relationship where one gives, and the other receives. However, anyone who has spent significant time with a person from another generation knows that both individuals give, and both individuals receive. Healthy human relationships are omnidirectional where giving and receiving moves in both directions.

As Millennials come of age, a new perspective of mentorship has emerged, one which is changing our understanding and praxis of mentorship. Kinnamen states, “Are you open to “reverse” mentoring, wherein you allow younger leaders to challenge your faith and renew the church?” (Kinnamen, 205) Setran and Kiesling in their excellent book Spiritual Formation in Emerging Adulthood say, “…guidance still desperately needed but it is a guidance that is dialogical and mutual rather than unidirectional mentoring (Setran, 206). We must acknowledge the interdependence of human relationships among generations. While many resort to the word mentoring, the concept has changed and requires us to go beyond.

Scientists use the term symbiosis to describe relationships that exist for the mutual benefit of each individual. One example of a symbiotic relationship is the Goby Fish and Snapping Shrimp. The near-blind shrimp relies on the eyes of the Goby fish while constructs and maintains borrows on the ocean floor. With one flap of his tail, the fish communicates to his partner that danger is present. Another example is the African Oxpecker’s relationship with various large African animals. Larger animals are cleared of ticks by the Oxpecker who live off the ticks (and according to more recent findings, the blood of their host as well). Symbiosis illustrates the interdependence relationships that God designed humans to develop. (Here is a scientific article on the topic.)

We were designed by God to be in relationships with others. Interdependent relationships cause growth and maturity. Interdependent relationships supply love and encouragement. Interdependent relationships provide personal significance (“My life matters to another person.”)

The time has come when we are called to go beyond mentoring. We must seek relationships in which we give and receive. We must move from independence into interdependence. We must call others to do the same.

References:

Spiritual Formation in Emerging Adulthood by Setran and Kiesling
You Lost Me by David Kinnamen
Big Questions, Worthy Dreams by Sharon Parks

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to parents and churches as they seek to help emerging adults.

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This Millennial Paid Off $23,375 in Student Loans in Just 10 Months

Posted on February 15, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

Jordan Arnold I found a great article to encourage those who are facing student debt. The average debt load is $29,400 for those who are graduating from college. This amount of debt may seem staggering, but it can be conquered.

Some highlights from the article that we can all learn:

1. Debt reduction became a priority. This student took on a second job in order to help pay down his debt. What steps can you take?

2. Picture it. Imagine the day you pay off your loans. How will it make you feel? I graduated from Seminary with $27k in loans, and I still remember the day when my wife and I paid them off.

3. Take time to celebrate. What are you going to do in order to celebrate your debt retirement?

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Five “Disastrous” Results of Inviting Emerging Adults into Leadership.

Posted on February 2, 2015 by G. David Boyd 0

Although some people believe that mixing generations in leadership can cause the same results as mixing Mentos and carbonated drinks, I believe in young leadership. I actually believe that the church needs Millennials in order to be healthy. That doesn’t mean change will be easy. Here are some results to expect as you invite emerging adults into leadership.

1. Questions will be asked.

As you invite emerging adults into leadership, be ready to answer questions. Asking questions is key to a healthy community, while authority that stifles questions and criticism is quickly headed towards disaster. God-ordained leadership can face questions without feeling threatened. Hierarchy is so often ingrained into our communities, that we learn to not question authority or the systems that elected them. As we invite emerging adults to speak, they will need to ask questions to provide understanding, and at other times to evaluate decisions.

2. Elephants will be acknowledged.

Elephant's tea party, Robur Tea Room, 24 March 1939, by Sam Hood from Flickr via Wylio

Many organizations have an elephant (or two) in the room that no one is willing to talk about. Young leadership will gladly point them out – either because they don’t understand them, or because they can see how unhealthy these huge burdens have become for the group. Unfortunately, most of these elephants have protectors in the room. When established leadership chooses to ignore problems within our communities (because they are too painful), emerging adults will want to revisit them.

3. Reality Checks will be given.

We all need a dose of reality from time to time. Emerging adults are often idealistic, and do not realize how difficult it can be to bring change to individuals and an organization. In spite of their idealism, other generations can learn from those who understand how our world is changing, and how the church sits on the precipice of irrelevancy. A healthy spoonful of reality is needed by both sides. Inter-generational leadership is a medicine that will grow and strengthen the church.

4. Assumptions will be challenged.

Whether due to being raised in a postmodern society, a digital world, or because they want to see change, EA’s will challenge assumptions – no matter how old. A community’s leadership is often blinded to their own assumptions. A new leader will see what is being assumed by the leadership structure, and how these old assumptions are obstacles to growth and healthy change.

5. Growth we result.

As you place emerging adults on your team, their leadership skills will improve. However, growth should not be associated simply with youth. Diversity creates a dynamic working environment that will cause everyone involved to grow. This growth process is characterized by moments of pain and pleasure.

Inviting younger leadership to the table would require something from everyone.

It is risky.

It requires humility.

It requires work.

It requires courage.

Maybe these are the reasons why Emerging Adults get shut out.

In the end, we will discover that the results of working with emerging adults are not disastrous at all. Rather, we will discover that they are exactly what the Church needs.

Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources. If he can help your church create avenues to minister to emerging adults, you can contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.

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