T
he college years have traditionally been a time for young people to be challenged by new ideas, learn to think critically, and assume greater responsibility for their lives, as they assume their roles as adult citizens. Unfortunately, the past few years have witnessed high levels of emotional dependency, anxiety, and depression among American college students. Continue reading
Tag Archives: depression
Kids of Helicopter Parents Are Sputtering Out
Here is an excerpt from How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims.
I haven’t read the book yet, but it is now on my reading list!
Here is the link to the article.
Here are few quotes:
- “The data emerging confirms the harm done by asking so little of our kids when it comes to life skills, yet so much of them when it comes to academics.” Maturity and success as an adult is not based upon academic rigor.
- “My guess is 75 percent of the parents would rather see their kids depressed at Yale. They figure that the kid can straighten the emotional stuff out in his/her 20’s, but no one can go back and get the Yale undergrad degree.” As a parent, is your concern for their achievement, or their emotional health?
- “As parents, our intentions are sound—more than sound: We love our kids fiercely and want only the very best for them. Yet, having succumbed to a combination of safety fears, a college admissions arms race, and perhaps our own needy ego, our sense of what is “best” for our kids is completely out of whack.” Do you allow your children the freedom to succeed or fail without becoming overly involved or emotional?
It is crucial for parents to allow their emerging adults to develop autonomy – which is the ability to make decisions and deal with the consequences.
Missing Beckham – A Father’s Story of Loss and Healing
Losing a child is the single most difficult emotional, spiritual, and physical journey of my life. In the immediate days and week following the stillbirth of Beckham, I felt the extreme emotions of anguish and peace, despair and hope, love and hate, doubt and trust. The pendulum of emotions feels like being stuck in the ocean’s rough surf. You’re struggling to catch your next breath and to clear your stinging eyes before the next wave forces you under.
I found it difficult to be alone (at times feeling as if I would suffocate). I could not focus on work (I had to take an extended break). I tried to distract myself with entertainment, but that only brought short-lived relief. I wanted to disengage from the rhythms of life (friends, church, work, etc.) but forced myself to reengage. My entire being was consumed by my burden of grief.
My grief came from being unable to raise my son. I will never get to change his diapers, see him take his first steps, hear him speak his first words, watch him graduate from school, get married, have kids, or tell him about Jesus and how much God loves him.
I will remember Beckham every day of my life for the rest of my life. I will always think about what he would be doing if he were here with us. I will get through my grief, but I will never get over my son. Some have compared it to having a limb of your body amputated…although you heal, you are never the same again.
Our community surrounded us with love during our time of loss. Helping with the practical needs of the family like food, house-cleaning, and childcare allowed us time to grieve. My sister gave us a beautiful evergreen scented candle. This gift led us to plant an evergreen tree in our backyard to celebrate his due date.
During this time, I read Is God to Blame? by Greg Boyd. He writes that the death of a child is a “mystery about creation and not a mystery about God’s character.” In other words, don’t blame God and let go of the WHY question. You don’t have to confuse the hurt with the Healer. He loves you, loves your child, and knows what you’re feeling. Things won’t always go the way that we think they should, but it is true that God will be there with us every step of the way. Trust in God’s goodness and remember that the Day is coming when all things will be made new.
Sensing God’s gracious touches at every point in my grief helped me in my journey. I have felt God’s presence at every step. He hears every note of my lament and graciously met my pain in ways that heal me.
On December 26, 2011 at 4 AM, as I stood sobbing in the ER, I realized the truth that God knows what it is like to lose a Son. I spoke it out loud as I stood huddled in the arms of the hospital chaplain. I say it again in the moments when I feel the darkness overwhelming me. For the darkness cannot overcome the truth of the light (John 1:6).
I will get through the experience of grief, but I will never get over my son! I will think of him EVERYDAY of my life till I get to meet him in heaven. The theme of my second year since Beckham’s stillbirth has been to ARISE. I sense God showing me that I can arise from my grief and dare to hope that life will be beautiful again.
In my journey, a year was just the beginning. In order to fully embrace the grief process, you must be patient with yourself. Only you know how long and in what ways you need to grieve to heal and find that new normal.
For those of you who are in the midst of your own journey. Please know that you will heal. And although you won’t be the same person, you will find a new normal. Keep your head up as much as possible, for even in the midst of pain there are moments of hope, comfort, peace.
Written by Bret Deneson and Dr. G. David Boyd
How my Parents Aided in my Battle with Depression
According to the National Institutes of Health, one out of every four emerging adults (between 18-25) will experience depression in some form (some seasonal, short-term, or long-term). In our Facebook world, everyone seems happy and active, but hidden below those pretty profile pics can be a world of hurt and pain.
When an emerging adult is dealing with depression, they are not the only ones to suffer. Parents carry a great weight of responsibility during the battle. Many wonder what they can do to help.
I recently interviewed an emerging adult about their struggle, and how their parents helped them through their battle with depression. The writer wished to remain anonymous partially because of the stigma that still exists within the church over those who struggle with depression. Unfortunately, the judgement of others leads people to isolate themselves, and aggravate the problem.
I hope this person’s words can encourage you and your emerging adults.
How long have you been struggling with depression?
I’ve been dealing with clinical depression since I was 15 (7 years now). I don’t know what for sure triggered it, but depression does run in the family. The roughest years were when it first started (age 15), my senior year of high school, and the first two years of college.
How did you get better?
A lot of my depression was fed by my high level of perfectionism. If I didn’t meet my expectations, it would cause me to feel down. I finally realized that I couldn’t continue as I was (sophomore year in college at this point) and took some time off school to give myself a break and focus on what I needed. I spent the first three months of my first semester off sitting on my butt and doing absolutely nothing. This was just what I needed – emotional rest, physical rest, spiritual rest. I hadn’t experienced any of that for far too long. During this rest, I saw a therapist, took medication, and had a good support group. These things all contributed to the healing process and I slowly went upwards from there.
How did you parents help in the process?
My parents did their best to educate themselves on depression and tried to be understanding even when they really didn’t understand everything. Over time, they learned that it was ok to not always understand but just to accept what I was feeling was valid and deeply affecting me. They also learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do. I knew what I needed, but was unable (or uncomfortable) to ask for it.
They served as an advocate for me in high school when teachers didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better. My dad researched and then personally called a therapist who wasn’t taking any new clients at the time, and at the end of their conversation she was willing to see me. My parents went to bat for me in the areas that I was too exhausted or felt too hopeless to fight for myself.
In what ways were your parents NOT helpful? or even hurtful?
The hardest part for my parents was that for a long time they didn’t know how to help me, and I know that made them feel so impotent in the face of watching their daughter struggle with so much pain. At times, they would enter the “fix-it” mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution and then it’s “fixed.”
Sometimes they would get really frustrated with me when they didn’t understand my lack of motivation and physical energy to do what they thought was a simple task; they just couldn’t empathize, because they hadn’t experienced it. Feeling their frustration and disappointment on top of my own (because I was already beating upon myself) led to many meltdowns. I know now they weren’t so much frustrated with me than at the situation, but I desperately needed steady patience and understanding and grace, because I had none for myself.
What advice would you give to someone who is currently struggling?
1. Know that you’re not alone—far from it!
2. Seek counsel from someone who has struggled successfully with depression; they’re great for understanding exactly what lies you’re telling yourself and helping you hear the truth when you can’t preach it to yourself.
3. See a therapist. I gained the tools I needed to battle the depression and come out healthy on the other side.
4. Try to give yourself grace.
What did you or your parents do that helped you through depression? Please share your thoughts to encourage others.
When Your Child is Depressed
According to the National Institutes of Health, “One in four emerging adults will experience a depressive episode between the ages of 18-25.” Depression among emerging adults can be caused by economic uncertainty, changes in relationships, seemingly endless decision-making, or any number of other challenges that they face. Some depressive episodes are short-term caused by circumstances (like seasonal depression, or a traumatic break up), while others are long-term.
When depression comes, it does not just affect the child. As a parent, it affects you. If an Emerging adult that you love is suffering with depression, here are a few words of encouragement to help you through.
1. You, as a parent, will experience various emotions.
Don’t be ashamed or shocked by your own struggle over their depression. Watching our children go through pain causes us pain of our own. Here is an example of a parent’s varied emotions when dealing with a child who is depressed. “I worried all of the time. I kept blaming myself. I tried to be in control of things I had no control over. I experienced fear. I experienced God’s presence. I wanted my child to know the peace of God, but I couldn’t make it happen. I felt helpless. I turned off my feelings to be strong for my child (which was very exhausting).” These mixed emotions can play havoc on a parent’s emotional health. As a parent, you will learn to control your own emotions as you listen to theirs.
It is okay to know and admit that you are hurting. Take time to ensure the health of your own emotions so that you are able to give to your child. No one can give without also receiving and being recharged.
2. You begin helping when you stop fixing.
Most parents when they hear about depression rely on a list of solutions so that it can be solved. You might even be reading this article hoping for the perfect solution. However, depression is not easily conquered. One emerging adults said, “At times, my parents would enter the ‘fix-it’ mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution.” Seek to end conversations not with a list of action steps, but a hug and simple words of hope like, “We are going to make it through.” Or “I love you.”
One parent shares that, “You can’t FIX them. Don’t take over their lives. Help them make decisions but don’t make decisions for them.” Even during times of depression, it is important for emerging adults to retain their personal autonomy. Taking over their lives could cause emerging adults to revert back to earlier stages of development.
3. Listen to them and learn.
Once leaving the role of fixer and advice giver, a parent can begin to listen. Many times parents struggle with understanding because they are listening only for the reasons their child is struggling (still hoping to fix it.) As a parent, you are listening for how they are feeling, and what they most need from you in the moment. One Emerging adults said, “My parents learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.”
As you listen, you will learn how to better help your child. One parent expresses what she learned during the process, “I learned to listen and ask open ended questions. I learned not to judge. I learned to discern what to look for as in signs they were in trouble. I learned that it’s okay to snoop into their lives to know where they are mentally.” Every child is different, and learning new skills and acquiring new tools is a must.
![girl-woman-hair-1276336-l[1]](http://www.earesources.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/girl-woman-hair-1276336-l1.jpg)
4. You are not alone.
Many parents feel as if their child is the only one who is struggling. Mental illness is often accompanied by public shame especially in the church where everybody should be happy. This guilt and shame can cause parents to isolate themselves, and not have the support network they needs as parents. One parent says, “Talk. Talk. Talk. Find support. Don’t try to cover it up like it’s some terrible, horrible secret. Your child should NEVER be ashamed of this disease.” Neither should you as a parent. It is not your fault.
If you are like most parents, this is probably not the first or last article that you will read, trying desperately to get information, help, or encouragement for your child. Depression is not a sprint, but more of a distance race. You will make it through, but it is so important that you make sure of your own emotional health while trying to care for your child.
Remain hopeful in our Lord’s great love for you and your child. “Because of His Great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is His Faithfulness.”