Tag Archives: community

You are not the only one (for emerging adults).

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Group of EAIf getting a job is a little harder than you expected…

If the world is changing faster than you can keep up…

If you are connected on-line more, and yet still feel lonely…

If you are surrounded by Mr. Wrongs, and wonder where is that Mr. Right…

If you are still asking what you want to be when you grow up…

If you feel as if you will never obtain the dreams that you once had….

If it seems that you are the only one struggling to get an education…

If you thought your income would get you ahead, but you are only falling behind…

If you desperately need your parents, but feel as if you shouldn’t…

If you want to care for yourself, but still call your mom when washing your clothes,

If you want to make your own decisions, but still need your dad’s advice before buying a car,

If Miss Completely Wrong keeps throwing herself at you, while possible Miss Rights are running away,

If the world looks down upon you, because of your age…

If the church doesn’t understand you, because of your age…

If your parents want you to move out, because of your age…

If you question aspects of your faith, and are wondering where to go for answers.

If you feel you cannot make it through another class, another day, another disappointment…

You are not alone, but normal.

Welcome to normal.  We can help.

 

EA Resources is dedicated to helping Emerging Adults through the trials of emerging adulthood.  We hope that these resources will encourage you on your journey.

How my Parents Aided in my Battle with Depression

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walking manAccording to the National Institutes of Health, one out of every four emerging adults (between 18-25) will experience depression in some form (some seasonal, short-term, or long-term).  In our Facebook world, everyone seems happy and active, but hidden below those pretty profile pics can be a world of hurt and pain.

When an emerging adult is dealing with depression, they are not the only ones to suffer.  Parents carry a great weight of responsibility during the battle.  Many wonder what they can do to help.

I recently interviewed an emerging adult about their struggle, and how their parents helped them through their battle with depression.  The writer wished to remain anonymous partially because of the stigma that still exists within the church over those who struggle with depression.  Unfortunately, the judgement of others leads people to isolate themselves, and aggravate the problem.

I hope this person’s words can encourage you and your emerging adults.

How long have you been struggling with depression? 

I’ve been dealing with clinical depression since I was 15 (7 years now).  I don’t know what for sure triggered it, but depression does run in the family.  The roughest years were when it first started (age 15), my senior year of high school, and the first two years of college.

How did you get better? 

A lot of my depression was fed by my high level of perfectionism.  If I didn’t meet my expectations, it would cause me to feel down.  I finally realized that I couldn’t continue as I was (sophomore year in college at this point) and took some time off school to give myself a break and focus on what I needed.  I spent the first three months of my first semester off sitting on my butt and doing absolutely nothing.  This was just what I needed – emotional rest, physical rest, spiritual rest.  I hadn’t experienced any of that for far too long.  During this rest, I saw a therapist, took medication, and had a good support group.  These things all contributed to the healing process and I slowly went upwards from there.

How did you parents help in the process?

My parents did their best to educate themselves on depression and tried to be understanding even when they really didn’t understand everything.  Over time, they learned that it was ok to not always understand but just to accept what I was feeling was valid and deeply affecting me.  They also learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.  I knew what I needed, but was unable (or uncomfortable) to ask for it. 

They served as an advocate for me in high school when teachers didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better.  My dad researched and then personally called a therapist who wasn’t taking any new clients at the time, and at the end of their conversation she was willing to see me.  My parents went to bat for me in the areas that I was too exhausted or felt too hopeless to fight for myself.

young beautiful woman with probing, slightly sad glanceIn what ways were your parents NOT helpful?  or even hurtful?

The hardest part for my parents was that for a long time they didn’t know how to help me, and I know that made them feel so impotent in the face of watching their daughter struggle with so much pain.  At times, they would enter the “fix-it” mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution and then it’s “fixed.” 

Sometimes they would get really frustrated with me when they didn’t understand my lack of motivation and physical energy to do what they thought was a simple task; they just couldn’t empathize, because they hadn’t experienced it.  Feeling their frustration and disappointment on top of my own (because I was already beating upon myself) led to many meltdowns.  I know now they weren’t so much frustrated with me than at the situation, but I desperately needed steady patience and understanding and grace, because I had none for myself. 

 What advice would you give to someone who is currently struggling?

1.       Know that you’re not alone—far from it! 

2.      Seek counsel from someone who has struggled successfully with depression; they’re great for understanding exactly what lies you’re telling yourself and helping you hear the truth when you can’t preach it to yourself. 

3.      See a therapist.  I gained the tools I needed to battle the depression and come out healthy on the other side.

4.  Try to give yourself grace.

 

What did you or your parents do that helped you through depression?  Please share your thoughts to encourage others.

When Your Child is Depressed

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pensive EAAccording to the National Institutes of Health, “One in four emerging adults will experience a depressive episode between the ages of 18-25.”  Depression among emerging adults can be caused by economic uncertainty, changes in relationships, seemingly endless decision-making, or any number of other challenges that they face.  Some depressive episodes are short-term caused by circumstances (like seasonal depression, or a traumatic break up), while others are long-term.

When depression comes, it does not just affect the child.  As a parent, it affects you.  If an Emerging adult that you love is suffering with depression, here are a few words of encouragement to help you through.

1.  You, as a parent, will experience various emotions.

Don’t be ashamed or shocked by your own struggle over their depression.  Watching our children go through pain causes us pain of our own.  Here is an example of a parent’s varied emotions when dealing with a child who is depressed.  “I worried all of the time.  I kept blaming myself.  I tried to be in control of things I had no control over. I experienced fear.  I experienced God’s presence.  I wanted my child to know the peace of God, but I couldn’t make it happen.  I felt helpless.  I turned off my feelings to be strong for my child (which was very exhausting).”  These mixed emotions can play havoc on a parent’s emotional health.  As a parent, you will learn to control your own emotions as you listen to theirs.

It is okay to know and admit that you are hurting.  Take time to ensure the health of your own emotions so that you are able to give to your child.  No one can give without also receiving and being recharged.

2.  You begin helping when you stop fixing.

Most parents when they hear about depression rely on a list of solutions so that it can be solved.  You might even be reading this article hoping for the perfect solution.  However, depression is not easily conquered.  One emerging adults said, “At times, my parents would enter the ‘fix-it’ mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution.”  Seek to end conversations not with a list of action steps, but a hug and simple words of hope like, “We are going to make it through.”  Or “I love you.”

One parent shares that, “You can’t FIX them.  Don’t take over their lives.  Help them make decisions but don’t make decisions for them.”  Even during times of depression, it is important for emerging adults to retain their personal autonomy.  Taking over their lives could cause emerging adults to revert back to earlier stages of development.

3.  Listen to them and learn. 

Once leaving the role of fixer and advice giver, a parent can begin to listen.  Many times parents struggle with understanding because they are listening only for the reasons their child is struggling (still hoping to fix it.)  As a parent, you are listening for how they are feeling, and what they most need from you in the moment.  One Emerging adults said, “My parents learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.”

As you listen, you will learn how to better help your child.  One parent expresses what she learned during the process, “I learned to listen and ask open ended questions.  I learned not to judge.  I learned to discern what to look for as in signs they were in trouble.  I learned that it’s okay to snoop into their lives to know where they are mentally.”  Every child is different, and learning new skills and acquiring new tools is a must.

girl-woman-hair-1276336-l[1]4.  You are not alone. 

Many parents feel as if their child is the only one who is struggling.  Mental illness is often accompanied by public shame especially in the church where everybody should be happy.  This guilt and shame can cause parents to isolate themselves, and not have the support network they needs as parents.  One parent says, “Talk.  Talk.  Talk.  Find support.  Don’t try to cover it up like it’s some terrible, horrible secret.  Your child should NEVER be ashamed of this disease.”   Neither should you as a parent.  It is not your fault.

If you are like most parents, this is probably not the first or last article that you will read, trying desperately to get information, help, or encouragement for your child.  Depression is not a sprint, but more of a distance race.  You will make it through, but it is so important that you make sure of your own emotional health while trying to care for your child.

Remain hopeful in our Lord’s great love for you and your child.  “Because of His Great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  Great is His Faithfulness.”

The Loss of Rites of Passage in Western Society. Will they be missed?

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Adulthood Ahead SignAdolescents and Emerging adults need to know what is expected of them as they approach adulthood.  They are constantly asking themselves and others, “Are we there yet?”  Just as mile markers along the interstate can monitor your progression towards your destination, so can rites of passage encourage emerging adults by confirming that they are going the right way.

Unfortunately, many of our culture’s rites of passage have been lost or outdated in our fast-paced, changing society.  There is a desperate need for rites of passage to be reinvented and reintroduced within Western culture.  Ronald Grimes declares the current lack of rites of passage to be an urgent global problem:  “The absence of rites of passage leads to a serious breakdown in the process of maturing as a person” (Grimes).  Ronald Grimes, Professor of Religion and Culture at Wilfrid Laurier University says that transitions between life stages, “can be negotiated without the benefit of rites, but in their absence, there is a greater risk of speeding through the dangerous intersections of the human life course.”  As adolescents take steps towards maturity, their steps need to be noticed and celebrated by the community around them.

Rites of passage show the pathway towards adulthood, and can serve as motivators towards adulthood.

Many adolescents are motivated by milestones that require defined work (for example, obtaining a driver’s license or graduating from high school).  Few adolescents complain about practicing driving, or memorizing traffic laws because they know that they will soon receive the legal right to drive and the freedom that comes with it.  Emerging adults need to have definable achievements and freedoms before them that will motivate them to push forward.

While some rites of passage are earned, others happen naturally (the beginning of puberty, or reaching legal drinking age).  These “natural” rites of passages within our society have been minimized, or celebrated in unhealthy ways.    Without adults taking the initiative in these areas, rites of passage have been left to be developed by those experiencing them.  Grimes says, “Initiation in Western society often takes this postmodern, peer-driven form—adolescents initiating adolescents, sometimes compulsively, unconsciously, and violently” (Grimes).  I believe that this problem is illustrated in the movie 21 and Over.  As a young man approaches his 21 birthday, his friends believe it is their moral obligation to give him the experience that our culture requires – one filled with inappropriate and destructive behavior.

Rites of passage signal changes within the life of the adolescent to their community.

“Experiencing a rite of passage allows young people to let go of childlike behavior and to begin taking on adult responsibilities and their accompanying consequences” (Moore).  Rites of passage signal to the individual and the community that they have changed, and are ready for autonomy and responsibility.  The community needs to be aware because their expectations on the individual changes, as well as their role within that community.

HandsRites of passage should be celebrated within a community.

Rites of passage are not important solely for the sake of the individual, but are beneficial to all involved.   I have personally been blessed by playing a role in the rites of passage for individuals.  It is an affirmation to all invited of your impact on the life of the individual.

There is a need for our families and faith communities to reintroduce rites of passage into today’s culture.  What way have you or someone you know used rites of passage with their family?  What way has your church used rites of passage with the community?

Resources

Grimes, Ronald.  Deeply into the Bone.

Moore, Walker.  Rite of passage parenting:  Four essential experiences to equip

your kids for life.

 

Making Friends at College

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Building A Community During the College Years

I still remember my first week of college, and the excitement and fear I felt group of eawalking around campus. The major reason for these emotions was finding a community.  I knew that in order to make the most of my college experience, I would need the security and contentment that comes from establishing a strong social network.  The relationships I made grew me, changed me, and gave me the confidence to thrive in life.  If you are new to campus or still struggling to find your place, here are a few things that helped me.

1.  Take Social Risks

During high school, I started a new school, and was too afraid to take social risks.  I remember standing in the lunch line, and the comfort it gave me. The lunch line represented safety, it gave me the right to talk to anyone.  The sea of faces each lungch period overwhelmed me, and I could not gain the courage to engage with new people.  I would not make this mistake again.

In the rush of unpacking my room and finding my way around campus, I realized my first priority required engaging with others.  I walked up to strangers and asked if I could eat with them, I listened to others, offered comfort , stayed up late, and found my place. In order to be you in college you must risk rejection, and risk rejection, and risk rejection.  In order to establish a community, you must put your heart on the line.

2.  Choose Wisely

The college years are crucial in the formation of our identity.  It is in these years we learn who we are, and who we want to be. We become like those we spend our time with. Proverbs 13:20 states, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” (NIV)  Don’t limit yourself to just one social circle; however, it is important to choose your closest friends wisely.

You should be purposeful. 

Don’t pick your social group based on who you meet first, or who lives near you.  Define the type of friend you are looking for, and search for people with those qualities. If it is your desire to follow Jesus, choose others who do the same. If you want to promote justice, seek out others who have like passions.

Choose others who are willing to sharpen you, who are different than you in good ways.  In your college years learn to be nonjudgmental of others. It is a time to stop judging people for their economic status, outward beauty, race, or clothes. It is a time to seek out others different than you, and to learn from the bests parts of them. It is a time to notice and evaluate your family of origin, and to choose for yourself what to keep the same from your past and what to change. Learn how to live graciously with all of those around you including your noisy roommate, or socially awkward neighbor.

3.  Friendship First

ftflagler-washington-pictures-4376127-h[1]It is important to establish friends first, before you dive headfirst into a first semester love. High school is over, and you will meet many new potential people to date, to fall in love with, and to break up with.  Take your time.  Beginning a relationship early in your college experience will limit your friendship network.   We used to call those couples who spent all of their time together “Velcro Couples” because they just couldn’t seem to be pulled apart.  I encourage you not to be a part of one of these relationships.

It is definitely a time of life to fall in love, but establish yourself first.  In the beginning, put your friends first, and do not sacrifice your friends because you feel as if you have found true love.

College is not just about academics and careers. It is also about building a foundation of social awareness, and learning to establishing well-chosen relationships. It is about learning to take social risks, learning to be nonjudgmental and gracious to others, and learning to balance your valued relationships.

EPSON MFP imageWritten by Rachel Boyd.  Rachel
is the mother of Josiah(9), Andrew(7), and
Tobias(2). They currently reside in MN, but are hoping that God calls them to a warmer climate near the ocean.  She is a graduate of Cedarville
University, and Grand Rapids Theological Seminary where she earned her
MA in Educational Ministries

The Connecting Church – Book Review

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Connecting churchHave you ever tried attending a small group, only to find it didn’t provide the Community that you longed for?

The one act in the Creation record that is not labeled as good is that man was alone.  God created us to have community with Him and one another.  According to Frazee, “People need to be involved in meaningful and constant community or they will continue on indefinitely in a state of intense loneliness.”  (Frazee)

Frazee points out that America’s obsession with independence often keeps them from seeking the community that the need.  It is essential for the individual to be able to develop a community in order sustain healthy adulthood.  Frazee says, “I would suggest that one of the major obstacles to community is America is that we don’t need each other anymore.  We are independent people. …  Sadly, when a person becomes independent of others, they get the loneliness and isolation that accompany it as well.”  (Frazee)

Here a few of Frazee points that I believe are worth noting.

Beyond Small Group Ministry

Many churches advertise that people will find community in a small group, but they might as well be selling snake oil.  Hopeful of finding authentic community, many people leave a small-group feeling disillusioned and frustrated.  The purpose of small groups is not small groups.  The purpose is to achieve, “The development of meaningful relationships where every member carries a significant sense of belonging [which] is central to what it means to be the church.  (Frazee)  We must remember that our goal is authentic community, and I believe Frazee’s book gives great direction to individuals and churches to reach that goal.

Simplify Church

Frazee is not a fan of complex, program-driven churches.  “This will require that the church not develop competing activities or functions at the church but rather allow the small group members to simplify their church lives by means of this one group.” (Frazee)  One reason is because they are not looking for more activities, EA are looking for people to share the simple pleasure of life – eating, playing, and talking.  They will not have time to do life together if they are always running to support church functions.

Breaking Down Walls between the Generationsintergenerational

My favorite points by Frazee is his desire to see multi-generational relationships within the church.  He says, “Many church leaders still believe that the most effective grouping of people is centered around the sharing of a common life-stage experience.”  (Frazee) I am glad that this mindset is beginning to be questioned, and in some brave churches it is being destroyed.  He goes on to state, “The life-stage mind-set is so ingrained that it has a powerful effect both on the youngest members of our community as well as the oldest.  As our children grow up, many are not comfortable in relating to people of other ages.”   (Frazee)

Could their inability to relate to other age groups be a reason why some leave the church?

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Frazee’s book because it reminded me of my own longings of authentic community- an ever-changing game of catch and release.

 

Develop Community- A Developmental Task of Adulthood

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What does it mean to become an adult?  In order to reach adulthood, the individual must accomplish three developmental tasks:  establish autonomy, develop community, and discover vocation.  In this entry, I will briefly explain the task of developing a community, and its importance to human maturation. Hands Continue reading →