I recently came across a visual guide that describes Helicopter Parenting and its affects upon emerging adults. While many adults want to give their children autonomy, not all parents recognize when they are too involved in the lives of their children.
Hannah Marks is the Outreach Manager of the Yellowbrick Program. You can access the full article at www.yellowbrickprogram.com.
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I recently came across an article that discussed how movies which display men who are delayed in accepting adult roles and behavior (Failure to Launch, Happy Gilmore, Knocked Up) are more accepted by audiences because their is more grace for men who delayed in their development than for women. 
Here are some interesting quotes from the article:
Here is the link to the article.
I believe that the author has a point. I am not sure how this extra grace towards men (who won’t grow up) works out in our families, and our communities of faith. Regardless, delayed development is not a laughing matter.
Here are some articles about delayed development.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to equip parents and churches to minister to Emerging Adults.
I came across a great article this week that I wanted to share with you. It is entitled, Author Phyllis Tickle Faces Death As She Enjoyed Life: ‘The Dying Is My Next Career’. The article was written by David Gibson, and was presented by the Huffington Post.
According to the article, “Phyllis Tickle is a Southern-born and -bred mother of seven and a doyenne of religion writers. She is now 81, and a widow living on a small farm in Lucy, Tenn., just outside of Memphis. On the land where her cows once roamed, stray dogs she has adopted and some family surround her. She is being treated for Stage IV cancer.”
Earlier this week, I wrote how Christians need to present a better view of aging and dying. This article is part of a new perspective.
Phyllis Tickle is a great example of a Christ-follower. Here are a few of my favorite lines from the interview:
My favorite is the Title… The dying is my next career. Her career has been filled with teaching and writing others how to follow God.
Getting to 30 by Jeffrey Arnett and Elizabeth Fishel is an excellent read on a parent’s changing roles during the emerging adult years. The book does a great job of balancing research, stories, and practical suggestions for parents of emerging adults.
In a world that often calls young adults lazy and narcissistic, I applaud the positive perspective of emerging adulthood. They state that both 20-somethings and their parents “generally see themselves as being at a good time of life, characterized by freedom, fun, and excitement, a time to focus on themselves and find out who they really are.” (Arnett and Fishel, xi)
The book gives practical ideas about how parents can learn the “essential art of staying connected while stepping back.” (Arnett and Fishel, x) Parents need to understand that some of the struggle in their relationship with their children is because that, “the maturation process is two headed – Parent and Child need to mature into new roles.” (Arnett and Fishel, 69)
This book does not come from a specific religious perspective, but I believe that Christians will find its information and advice helpful. It is the best book that I have read on the topic of parenting an emerging adult.
When addressing faith, the book states, “The best way to persuade children of the value of your faith is to show the fruits of it in your life, including your capacity to forgive your sons and daughters for not believing what you believe.” (Arnett and Fishel, 240) Allowing your children to have true autonomy includes their decisions about faith. For parents who have children who have left the church, this can be a painful process, here is an article that I hope will help you in your journey.
If you have other suggestions of books about parenting emerging adults, please leave a note below.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to equip parents and churches to minister to emerging adults.
Image via Wylio
Spring is here, and many churches are set to once again launch a group of seniors. Parties will be hosted. Pictures will be shown. Bibles will be distributed. Graduation banquets will be held. As someone who has led many of these events, here is my revised list of what I believe seniors should be given as they leave.
Within the church, emerging adults often wonder what the church expects from them. Use this opportunity as a rite of passage to let them know that they will be treated and respected as full-members of the community. Our banquets always included a word of encouragement from our senior pastor or pastor of adult ministries.
I want them to remember moments of God’s goodness (and not simply memories of skit nights). I want to provide times when they knew God’s presence was real. I want to provide testimonies that show His mercy was undoubtable. I want to provide times of reflection that engrave a knowledge of His goodness in their own lives.
Most of our students had never experienced how difficult it can be to make new friends at a church, and so we literally walked through the entire process of finding a new church. We changed their curriculum, roles, and experiences during their senior year to prepare them for departure.
I want my students to leave with my cell phone, and the numbers of others who will continue to care for them. I want them to know that absent does not mean forgotten. Here is one simple way to communicate your continued care (The First Two Weeks).
Our students need to know that they don’t need to abandon their faith during college in order to be “normal.” In contrast, I had several graduates whose spiritual growth exploded during their college years. We need to rewrite the metanarrative of both adolescence and emerging adult as a great time to be a follower of Christ. The church must guard the perspectives given about these phases of life.
This new swag bag is not perfect, and I am sure that you will find it lacking. What would you like to include in your senior swag bag?
All of us who work with adolescents can rejoice that as they leave, they do not go alone. The God who saw them through junior high retreats and senior high mission trips, God goes with them now.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to encourage and equip parents and churches to minister to emerging adults. He is also the Founder of the EA Network.
Are college student are becoming more reckless in their spending habits? A recent article claims that their financial discipline has wanned over the last three years. (Here is the article link.)
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Can an engagement be too short?
Absolutely.
Can an engagement be too long?
Absolutely.
Unfortunately for my wife, I didn’t really put too much thought into the length of our engagement. We had discussed marriage, and although a winter wedding seemed practical to me, Rachel had other plans. After a time of reflection (or let’s call it – enlightenment), I realized that in order to have Rachel’s fall wedding, I had to immediately propose. Luckily, I already had purchased a ring and asked for her parent’s approval.
While an engagement can be too short (or too long), the length is not as important as what you do during that time. As a couple, you must discuss what is right for you. So if you are planning an engagement period, here are some positives and negatives for either a long or short engagement period.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Limited Time to Process – Marriage introduces a ton of change into the lives of the couple, and these changes take time to process. While less time might be a blessing for doubters or those who struggle with anxiety, a short engagement can cause others to neglect thinking through the commitment that they are making. (Read more on the Purpose of Engagement)
Limited Time to Plan – Becoming one requires a lot of work by the bride and the groom. If both partners are working full-time, the extra workload of fulfilling the extra responsibilities during engagement will be extremely stressful. Even the simplest of weddings requires many hours of preparation.
Limited Period of Sexual Tension – While I believe it is best for a couple to remain abstinent before the wedding, the engagement period is a time when emotional, spiritual, and sexual boundaries in the relationship need to change. As a couple become more physically involved, their bodies will naturally lead them towards sexual fulfillment. A short engagement helps the couple maintain their boundaries. (Read more about the relational changes during engagement, Engagement is Awkward.)
While there is a lot of work to accomplish during this period, one emerging adult said, “If you keep a short engagement Christ-centered and smart, it can be wonderful.”
Time to Process and Plan – A long engagement allows the couple to fully explore their relationship and the commitment they are making. The couple is not focused entirely on the day-to-day or the looming ceremony, but they are also able to think through their decisions and discuss the changes they are experiencing.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Time to discuss tough issues – Engagement periods can be a time when the couple is faced for the first time with conflict when their values clash as they are forced to make decisions together. Sometimes couple who rush through their engagement will bury problems until later because they know there is not time to fix the problem.
More Living Expenses – Unless one or both of the couple are living at home, living separately can often be a financial burden to the couple. Emerging adulthood can be an expensive phase of life with little income, and so it is wise to save whenever possible. I wouldn’t necessarily move up your wedding, but you might want to live with family or friends until the big day comes rather than pay rent at two places.
Difficult to maintain physical boundaries – One EA states, “Some of the long engagements I have seen have been so hard on the couple – specifically the struggle with sexual sin as the months pass.” Even for couples who maintained clear boundaries while dating find it difficult to remain sexually pure once a promise is made. A long engagement will require them to regularly discuss their physical boundaries, and the sexual tension between them.
There is no right or wrong answers, but each couple must decide based upon:
Whether long or short, your engagement can be all that you dreamed as you both seek God and follow His leading.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to Emerging Adults, and those who love them.
“Sadly, some couples rush toward marriage as soon as they taste the initial burst of romance. They may have only dated for a few months, but their blissful feelings convince them that they are destined for each other.”
The article comes from Dating with Pure Passion: More than Rules, More than Courtship, More than a Formula by Rob Eagar, Copyright 2006.
For those considering engagement, here are some questions to consider:
1. Are you both married to Jesus?
2. Can you resolve conflict together?
3. Have you both dealt with your baggage?
4. Do you have the support of family and friends?
5. Have you sought pre-engagement counseling together?
6. Do you bring out the best in each other?
7. Is leadership properly established in your relationships?
8. Are you truly passionate about each other?
Read the article HERE.
While I don’t agree with everything stated in the article, I believe that it is important to carefully reflect before stepping into engagement.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources. 
Genesis 2:24 says, For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Marriage is the process where two become one, but this doesn’t magically happen with the words, “I do.”
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2015. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
He buys the ring. He asks her parents for permission. He gets down on one knee. He asks the question. But what does it really change? What is the purpose of engagement?
A betrothal (or engagement) period has been around for many centuries, and is well documented during the time of the Old and New Testament. In Matthew 1:18-21, we are told that Joseph and Mary were betrothed. Betrothal was, “a binding contract established between two families and sealed by the exchange of gifts. During this period the couple did not live together; sexual relations with each other at this stage was regarded as equivalent to adultery.” (Reference) A betrothal was so sacred that unfaithfulness during this period was punishable by death.
Engagement is a vital step for the health of a life-long relationship. So if you think a ring is in your future, here are the four purposes for the engagement period.
Engagement is a time when the couple’s community is alerted to the couple’s commitment. One emerging adults said, “The purpose of engagement in my mind is a formal declaration of intent.” It is the formal act whereby a couple announces to parents, relatives, and friends that they are taking active steps towards marriage.
Weddings were never meant to be a private affair, but something to be supported by an entire community. Community support for the wedding is important because marriages are not lived out in isolation, but always exist within the framework of community. As Western society breaks down community in favor of an individualistic lifestyle, our perspective of marriage has been twisted into a private matter lived out within the confines of our suburban home guarded by the fences between us. We must begin realize that a marriage is strengthen by strong public ties to others.
Engagement is a time when you begin to make preparations to live together. As a couple, you begin how to make decisions together, learning how to compromise, and to resolve conflict. Questions that you need to answer include:
However, your questions must go deeper than the practical everyday decisions. Your preparation must include preparing yourself emotional, mentally, and physically for a healthy marriage. One emerging adult said, “There are certain parts of you (deep spiritual and emotional things) that aren’t necessarily healthy to share with someone who you are just dating, no matter how long. Engagement is a great period of transition, where for the first time, there is a promise of forever attached to a relationship, which allows you to move towards each other spiritually and emotionally.” I believe that there are not just physical boundaries that couples should observe, but emotional and spiritual boundaries that should not be crossed until marriage. (For more on this, see Premature Intimacy.)
Faced with such decisions, not all engagement periods are easy, and many couples find themselves in need for a third reason for engagement – counseling.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
One EA says that premarital counseling, “pushed us to discuss the harder topics.” Dating and engaged couples often stay away from problem topics either to keep everyone happy, or because they are unaware of relational landmines surrounding them. Premarital counseling will examine issues in your relationship including: communication, conflict, finances, marital roles, and past family dynamics.
Although you may feel overwhelmed preparing for the ceremony, good pre-marriage counseling is worth every minute. (Many states give a discount on the marriage license to couples who spend time in premarital counseling.) Notice that I included the word “good.” Be selective about who you choose to do your counseling. The main factors for choosing a counselor should be: relational (Do they understand people?), comfortable (Do I feel as if I can be authentic?), experienced (Do they any experience working with marriage?), availability (Will they care about me and my partner?), and location (Are they too far away?).
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
The last reason for the engagement period is to plan the wedding. While it is the most obvious, it is not the most important. No one will remember the décor or food at your wedding; so don’t let these details keep you from enjoying the other aspects of your engagement. It is hard work to plan a wedding, but many families cave to societal pressures, and make it harder than it needs to be.
As you approach engagement, please know that the process of becoming one may be difficult. One EA says, “Engagement has proven for both of us to be the time that we’ve both experienced our greatest doubts and also our greatest joys with one another. However, there’s a new level of safety in the fact that we’re both on the same page preparing to commit to one another that has allowed for deeper honesty (even in the hard truths and confrontations) and has resulted in a greater spiritual and emotional connection.”
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director of EA Resources. He is supported by a group of emerging adults who speak into his articles in order to help others. If you are interested in joining his team of contributors, you can contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.
