Category Archives: For Parents

5 Ways to Pray For Your Emerging Adult

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prayingWhen as a parent you are not sure what to do (or not do), or how to help your emerging adult, there is one thing that you can always do without getting trouble – PRAY.

I grew up hearing stories of parents and grandparents who were prayer warriors.  People who would spend hours beseeching God on behalf of others.  I hope these “prayer warriors” still exist today.

It is not a small resource to parents.  But as one parent said, “Prayer is the only REAL resource we possess.  Everything else we use to ‘solve’ our problems (money, influence, talents, etc.) is nothing compared to the power we have in the God of the universe.”

Are you praying regularly for your child?  Not just positive thoughts that are sent their way.  Not just a regularly rehearsed of words uttered quickly before a prayer.  Do you spend time going before the throne of God on behalf of your children?

Some EA’s know that their parents pray for them.  One EA writes, “My parents have always been my biggest prayer warriors, and it means the world to me. As a child, they established a precedent of praying about anything -both big (family financial issues) and small (finding a missing item).”  While others are doubtful, “I would love it if my mom prayed for me…ever. At all. That would be amazing.”

Knowledge of others that regularly pray for them, gives emerging adults confidence and encouragement in their lives.  Here are some things that they requested for their parents to pray for.

 1.  Expectations

“Patience. Always. There are so many new things in life that happens, so patience to wait it out when we want or are waiting on something and contentment when things don’t work how  we planned/imagine them being.”

“For God’s will in my life above my own expectations.”

“that I would walk in contentment no matter what is going on around me.”

 2.  Their Ministry or Service to Others

“Especially our ministry.  I would LOVE that.”

3.  Decision-making

“I would like prayer about the things happening in my life and decision-making.”

4.  Identity Formation

“One thing would be that they would pray I continue to strengthen my identity in Christ and use that as motivation to love others in my day.”

 5.  Relationships

“To pray God’s will in my life. Specially pray for the chapter of engagement and marriage.”

“I want my parents to be praying that I know Christ more intimately each day, that my marriage would be strong.”

Hands in prayerYou took the time to read the article – (which probably took you about 60 seconds).  Now take the time to put it into action.  Go back through the five topics, and pray for your children.  If you don’t know what they are facing in these areas, then make a point to ask them.

Let your emerging adults know you are praying for them.  They can refuse your help, ignore your wishes, and resent your advice, but they cannot stop your prayers.

Prayer is always an option.  And just as a reminder, it is the BEST one.

How my Parents Aided in my Battle with Depression

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walking manAccording to the National Institutes of Health, one out of every four emerging adults (between 18-25) will experience depression in some form (some seasonal, short-term, or long-term).  In our Facebook world, everyone seems happy and active, but hidden below those pretty profile pics can be a world of hurt and pain.

When an emerging adult is dealing with depression, they are not the only ones to suffer.  Parents carry a great weight of responsibility during the battle.  Many wonder what they can do to help.

I recently interviewed an emerging adult about their struggle, and how their parents helped them through their battle with depression.  The writer wished to remain anonymous partially because of the stigma that still exists within the church over those who struggle with depression.  Unfortunately, the judgement of others leads people to isolate themselves, and aggravate the problem.

I hope this person’s words can encourage you and your emerging adults.

How long have you been struggling with depression? 

I’ve been dealing with clinical depression since I was 15 (7 years now).  I don’t know what for sure triggered it, but depression does run in the family.  The roughest years were when it first started (age 15), my senior year of high school, and the first two years of college.

How did you get better? 

A lot of my depression was fed by my high level of perfectionism.  If I didn’t meet my expectations, it would cause me to feel down.  I finally realized that I couldn’t continue as I was (sophomore year in college at this point) and took some time off school to give myself a break and focus on what I needed.  I spent the first three months of my first semester off sitting on my butt and doing absolutely nothing.  This was just what I needed – emotional rest, physical rest, spiritual rest.  I hadn’t experienced any of that for far too long.  During this rest, I saw a therapist, took medication, and had a good support group.  These things all contributed to the healing process and I slowly went upwards from there.

How did you parents help in the process?

My parents did their best to educate themselves on depression and tried to be understanding even when they really didn’t understand everything.  Over time, they learned that it was ok to not always understand but just to accept what I was feeling was valid and deeply affecting me.  They also learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.  I knew what I needed, but was unable (or uncomfortable) to ask for it. 

They served as an advocate for me in high school when teachers didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better.  My dad researched and then personally called a therapist who wasn’t taking any new clients at the time, and at the end of their conversation she was willing to see me.  My parents went to bat for me in the areas that I was too exhausted or felt too hopeless to fight for myself.

young beautiful woman with probing, slightly sad glanceIn what ways were your parents NOT helpful?  or even hurtful?

The hardest part for my parents was that for a long time they didn’t know how to help me, and I know that made them feel so impotent in the face of watching their daughter struggle with so much pain.  At times, they would enter the “fix-it” mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution and then it’s “fixed.” 

Sometimes they would get really frustrated with me when they didn’t understand my lack of motivation and physical energy to do what they thought was a simple task; they just couldn’t empathize, because they hadn’t experienced it.  Feeling their frustration and disappointment on top of my own (because I was already beating upon myself) led to many meltdowns.  I know now they weren’t so much frustrated with me than at the situation, but I desperately needed steady patience and understanding and grace, because I had none for myself. 

 What advice would you give to someone who is currently struggling?

1.       Know that you’re not alone—far from it! 

2.      Seek counsel from someone who has struggled successfully with depression; they’re great for understanding exactly what lies you’re telling yourself and helping you hear the truth when you can’t preach it to yourself. 

3.      See a therapist.  I gained the tools I needed to battle the depression and come out healthy on the other side.

4.  Try to give yourself grace.

 

What did you or your parents do that helped you through depression?  Please share your thoughts to encourage others.

When Your Child is Depressed

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pensive EAAccording to the National Institutes of Health, “One in four emerging adults will experience a depressive episode between the ages of 18-25.”  Depression among emerging adults can be caused by economic uncertainty, changes in relationships, seemingly endless decision-making, or any number of other challenges that they face.  Some depressive episodes are short-term caused by circumstances (like seasonal depression, or a traumatic break up), while others are long-term.

When depression comes, it does not just affect the child.  As a parent, it affects you.  If an Emerging adult that you love is suffering with depression, here are a few words of encouragement to help you through.

1.  You, as a parent, will experience various emotions.

Don’t be ashamed or shocked by your own struggle over their depression.  Watching our children go through pain causes us pain of our own.  Here is an example of a parent’s varied emotions when dealing with a child who is depressed.  “I worried all of the time.  I kept blaming myself.  I tried to be in control of things I had no control over. I experienced fear.  I experienced God’s presence.  I wanted my child to know the peace of God, but I couldn’t make it happen.  I felt helpless.  I turned off my feelings to be strong for my child (which was very exhausting).”  These mixed emotions can play havoc on a parent’s emotional health.  As a parent, you will learn to control your own emotions as you listen to theirs.

It is okay to know and admit that you are hurting.  Take time to ensure the health of your own emotions so that you are able to give to your child.  No one can give without also receiving and being recharged.

2.  You begin helping when you stop fixing.

Most parents when they hear about depression rely on a list of solutions so that it can be solved.  You might even be reading this article hoping for the perfect solution.  However, depression is not easily conquered.  One emerging adults said, “At times, my parents would enter the ‘fix-it’ mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution.”  Seek to end conversations not with a list of action steps, but a hug and simple words of hope like, “We are going to make it through.”  Or “I love you.”

One parent shares that, “You can’t FIX them.  Don’t take over their lives.  Help them make decisions but don’t make decisions for them.”  Even during times of depression, it is important for emerging adults to retain their personal autonomy.  Taking over their lives could cause emerging adults to revert back to earlier stages of development.

3.  Listen to them and learn. 

Once leaving the role of fixer and advice giver, a parent can begin to listen.  Many times parents struggle with understanding because they are listening only for the reasons their child is struggling (still hoping to fix it.)  As a parent, you are listening for how they are feeling, and what they most need from you in the moment.  One Emerging adults said, “My parents learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.”

As you listen, you will learn how to better help your child.  One parent expresses what she learned during the process, “I learned to listen and ask open ended questions.  I learned not to judge.  I learned to discern what to look for as in signs they were in trouble.  I learned that it’s okay to snoop into their lives to know where they are mentally.”  Every child is different, and learning new skills and acquiring new tools is a must.

girl-woman-hair-1276336-l[1]4.  You are not alone. 

Many parents feel as if their child is the only one who is struggling.  Mental illness is often accompanied by public shame especially in the church where everybody should be happy.  This guilt and shame can cause parents to isolate themselves, and not have the support network they needs as parents.  One parent says, “Talk.  Talk.  Talk.  Find support.  Don’t try to cover it up like it’s some terrible, horrible secret.  Your child should NEVER be ashamed of this disease.”   Neither should you as a parent.  It is not your fault.

If you are like most parents, this is probably not the first or last article that you will read, trying desperately to get information, help, or encouragement for your child.  Depression is not a sprint, but more of a distance race.  You will make it through, but it is so important that you make sure of your own emotional health while trying to care for your child.

Remain hopeful in our Lord’s great love for you and your child.  “Because of His Great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  Great is His Faithfulness.”

Who defines Manhood in your Home? – Family Emblem

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Eeeeew. A chemist's on Portobello Road in London. So much for the whole up-market Notting Hill thing, eh?

Who would use store deodorants?

Recently, my wife and I had to buy deodorant for our middle child.  Although he is young, his armpits just smell terrible.  So we had the conversation planned out perfectly, so as to not hurt his feelings, and help him adjust to this new idea.

As soon as we shared the news, he exclaimed.  “I’m a man.”  My wife and I just sat their confused.  Instead of sad about his stench, he accepted the news with great pride as a sign of his being a man.   I am not sure where he got this idea, because I sure don’t run around the house proclaiming the manliness of stinky armpits.

In a world where there are many strange ideas about what being a man is all about, I believe it is important for me to define manhood (based on God’s truth, and with God’s direction) for my three future men.

I am a believer in celebrating rites of passage within a family.  As my oldest turns ten this spring, I am already planning ahead a first step in his transition from boy to man.  A pattern that I appreciate and have chosen to use in my own family comes from Robert Lewis’ book, Raising a Modern-day Knight.

During my years in ministry, I have observed and participated in several rites of passage with young men.  One emerging adult spoke about his father’s role in preparing him to be a dad,

My dad played a large role in my transition into being a man.  When I left for college, he told me, ‘You’re a man now.’  He trained me.  I know that I have his support.  He will back me up and give me advice.  He was the man in my life, and he has trained me on what to do in order to be a man”.

That is the way I want to lead my sons, so that they will understand what God calls us to be as men.  This is not a project that I should do alone, but something I want to do with my wife.  Rachel and I did some reflecting together on what we most want for our boys to be, and we set three goals for our little men.

Boyd Crest - JpegAs a symbol and teaching tool for my family, I asked a friend to sketch a Boyd Family Crest (the uber-talented Allen Nevalainen).  My hope is that each of my boys will instill the values that it represents.  The swords represent the community that they will need as they journey through life.  The rose represents the love that they will demonstrate to others.  The cross represents the purpose for their lives.  The Greek words on the banner can be translated, “One Lord, One Faith, One Hope.”

I believe that intentionality is important for raising our boys to become healthy men.

How do you plan to pass along a legacy of authentic manhood?  Share a thought for our community.

 

The Loss of Rites of Passage in Western Society. Will they be missed?

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Adulthood Ahead SignAdolescents and Emerging adults need to know what is expected of them as they approach adulthood.  They are constantly asking themselves and others, “Are we there yet?”  Just as mile markers along the interstate can monitor your progression towards your destination, so can rites of passage encourage emerging adults by confirming that they are going the right way.

Unfortunately, many of our culture’s rites of passage have been lost or outdated in our fast-paced, changing society.  There is a desperate need for rites of passage to be reinvented and reintroduced within Western culture.  Ronald Grimes declares the current lack of rites of passage to be an urgent global problem:  “The absence of rites of passage leads to a serious breakdown in the process of maturing as a person” (Grimes).  Ronald Grimes, Professor of Religion and Culture at Wilfrid Laurier University says that transitions between life stages, “can be negotiated without the benefit of rites, but in their absence, there is a greater risk of speeding through the dangerous intersections of the human life course.”  As adolescents take steps towards maturity, their steps need to be noticed and celebrated by the community around them.

Rites of passage show the pathway towards adulthood, and can serve as motivators towards adulthood.

Many adolescents are motivated by milestones that require defined work (for example, obtaining a driver’s license or graduating from high school).  Few adolescents complain about practicing driving, or memorizing traffic laws because they know that they will soon receive the legal right to drive and the freedom that comes with it.  Emerging adults need to have definable achievements and freedoms before them that will motivate them to push forward.

While some rites of passage are earned, others happen naturally (the beginning of puberty, or reaching legal drinking age).  These “natural” rites of passages within our society have been minimized, or celebrated in unhealthy ways.    Without adults taking the initiative in these areas, rites of passage have been left to be developed by those experiencing them.  Grimes says, “Initiation in Western society often takes this postmodern, peer-driven form—adolescents initiating adolescents, sometimes compulsively, unconsciously, and violently” (Grimes).  I believe that this problem is illustrated in the movie 21 and Over.  As a young man approaches his 21 birthday, his friends believe it is their moral obligation to give him the experience that our culture requires – one filled with inappropriate and destructive behavior.

Rites of passage signal changes within the life of the adolescent to their community.

“Experiencing a rite of passage allows young people to let go of childlike behavior and to begin taking on adult responsibilities and their accompanying consequences” (Moore).  Rites of passage signal to the individual and the community that they have changed, and are ready for autonomy and responsibility.  The community needs to be aware because their expectations on the individual changes, as well as their role within that community.

HandsRites of passage should be celebrated within a community.

Rites of passage are not important solely for the sake of the individual, but are beneficial to all involved.   I have personally been blessed by playing a role in the rites of passage for individuals.  It is an affirmation to all invited of your impact on the life of the individual.

There is a need for our families and faith communities to reintroduce rites of passage into today’s culture.  What way have you or someone you know used rites of passage with their family?  What way has your church used rites of passage with the community?

Resources

Grimes, Ronald.  Deeply into the Bone.

Moore, Walker.  Rite of passage parenting:  Four essential experiences to equip

your kids for life.

 

Making Friends at College

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Building A Community During the College Years

I still remember my first week of college, and the excitement and fear I felt group of eawalking around campus. The major reason for these emotions was finding a community.  I knew that in order to make the most of my college experience, I would need the security and contentment that comes from establishing a strong social network.  The relationships I made grew me, changed me, and gave me the confidence to thrive in life.  If you are new to campus or still struggling to find your place, here are a few things that helped me.

1.  Take Social Risks

During high school, I started a new school, and was too afraid to take social risks.  I remember standing in the lunch line, and the comfort it gave me. The lunch line represented safety, it gave me the right to talk to anyone.  The sea of faces each lungch period overwhelmed me, and I could not gain the courage to engage with new people.  I would not make this mistake again.

In the rush of unpacking my room and finding my way around campus, I realized my first priority required engaging with others.  I walked up to strangers and asked if I could eat with them, I listened to others, offered comfort , stayed up late, and found my place. In order to be you in college you must risk rejection, and risk rejection, and risk rejection.  In order to establish a community, you must put your heart on the line.

2.  Choose Wisely

The college years are crucial in the formation of our identity.  It is in these years we learn who we are, and who we want to be. We become like those we spend our time with. Proverbs 13:20 states, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” (NIV)  Don’t limit yourself to just one social circle; however, it is important to choose your closest friends wisely.

You should be purposeful. 

Don’t pick your social group based on who you meet first, or who lives near you.  Define the type of friend you are looking for, and search for people with those qualities. If it is your desire to follow Jesus, choose others who do the same. If you want to promote justice, seek out others who have like passions.

Choose others who are willing to sharpen you, who are different than you in good ways.  In your college years learn to be nonjudgmental of others. It is a time to stop judging people for their economic status, outward beauty, race, or clothes. It is a time to seek out others different than you, and to learn from the bests parts of them. It is a time to notice and evaluate your family of origin, and to choose for yourself what to keep the same from your past and what to change. Learn how to live graciously with all of those around you including your noisy roommate, or socially awkward neighbor.

3.  Friendship First

ftflagler-washington-pictures-4376127-h[1]It is important to establish friends first, before you dive headfirst into a first semester love. High school is over, and you will meet many new potential people to date, to fall in love with, and to break up with.  Take your time.  Beginning a relationship early in your college experience will limit your friendship network.   We used to call those couples who spent all of their time together “Velcro Couples” because they just couldn’t seem to be pulled apart.  I encourage you not to be a part of one of these relationships.

It is definitely a time of life to fall in love, but establish yourself first.  In the beginning, put your friends first, and do not sacrifice your friends because you feel as if you have found true love.

College is not just about academics and careers. It is also about building a foundation of social awareness, and learning to establishing well-chosen relationships. It is about learning to take social risks, learning to be nonjudgmental and gracious to others, and learning to balance your valued relationships.

EPSON MFP imageWritten by Rachel Boyd.  Rachel
is the mother of Josiah(9), Andrew(7), and
Tobias(2). They currently reside in MN, but are hoping that God calls them to a warmer climate near the ocean.  She is a graduate of Cedarville
University, and Grand Rapids Theological Seminary where she earned her
MA in Educational Ministries

An Apology from the Millenials

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The blame game and name calling continues.  Everywhere you turn in the media, you find a major news source either yelling at the “Millenials.”  Time recently put an article on their front page calling them the ME ME ME Generation (future review to come).

They are spoiled, entitled, lazy, and simply a detriment to all of society.  This is why they have issued a public apology to all of us, but particularly to the great “baby boomers.”  (Partially because no one even gives a rip about Generation X – of which I am supposed to be apart).

I believe that this video does a good job at poking fun at both generations, and shows how ridiculous this pattern of blaming other generations has become.  It is hurtful to families, society, and churches.

We suck and we are sorryPlease check it out by clicking on the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4IjTUxZORE&feature=share