Category Archives: For Parents

Death is Wrong – A Children’s Book on Death?

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I have the perfect Christmas gift for you!  Actually, Christmas is too far away.  How about buying it for a birthday present, or maybe simply buy it as soon as possible.  (I am totally kidding.)

A recent children’s book was published by philosopher Gennady Stolyarov II.  This children’s book tries to show that death is wrong, and should be defeated through medicine, science, and technology.  According to Amazon, “You will learn about some amazingly long-lived plants and animals, recent scientific discoveries that point the way toward lengthening lifespans in humans, and simple, powerful arguments that can overcome the common excuses for death.”

Remember this is a fully-illustrated children’s book.  One that almost seems humorous if it were not so sad.  This book is an attempt to explain death apart from life in God.

What perspective should we be teaching about death?  If we are honest, we rarely teach anything.  Few of us think about it, and even fewer are willing to talk about it.  When is the last time that you heard a sermon about…death.  It is almost considered a taboo subject – too depressing, and too morbid.

However, a healthy perspective of death leads us to a healthy perspective of life.

Is death wrong?  The answer to this is yes.  Death is the result of something that has gone wrong.  In the beginning, God created a perfect world, and made man and woman to have fellowship with Him in the garden.  Death was a result of sin.

Death is truly wrong. 

But death is now also right.

Death is right because death will mark the end of this life, and the beginning of everlasting life in heaven.  Death is right because it will mark the end of our battle with sin and satan.  Death is right because it was defeated by Jesus when He rose again, and secured a way for us to be reunited with God.

A healthy perspective of death calls us to embrace life.  A healthy perspective calls us to embrace aging.  A healthy perspective calls us to embrace our future as finite humans – not with fear, but in faith.

LA TIMES Article on Millennials – A response to Generational Bashing

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MillenialsI came across a new article on the Millennials (those born approximately 1982 to 2004) which I thought was worth sharing.

Not because it was incredibly insightful, research-based, or even because it is right.  I am sharing it because it shares a positive perspective of the strengths of our youngest generation.

Yes, take a breath.  It is a POSITIVE article about the Millennials.

According the author, here are a few of their strengths:

 They are inherently more adaptive, they are idealistic, they are tolerant of differences.  They are aspirational in all the right ways. At our prodding, they worked harder in high school than we ever did in college.

As a result, the older ones (26 to 33) are the best-educated segment of young adults in American history, according to a Pew Research Center study of millennials that was released in March.

Unfortunately, the author knows that he has to apologize again and again for being so foolish as to see them as positive force within our society.  I wish there were more people who would speak up, and defend them.  The Millennials shouldn’t be defending them by proving that they truly are the best.  The Millennials shouldn’t be defending through proving “such and such” statistics are wrong.  We shouldn’t be defending them because individually they each deserve it.

We defend them because it is the right thing to do.  We defend them because there is no positive result from bashing another generation.  We defend them because they are not a group of “others,”  but they are part of us.  They are humans, and they are our offspring.

Why is it so hard for us to grasp the destruction that comes from generation bashing?

I am not a fan of generation wars.  Tom Brookaw’s book The Greatest Generation is a great tribute to those of that era; however, the title and concept that other generations are not as great is unfortunate.  Maybe some people deem inter-generational conflict and competition as healthy and makes a society (and the church) more productive.  This is only true if you value productivity (if that is even truly an outcome), over unity.

It is work to understand and appreciate other generations.  However, bridge-building between generations is essential to the health of our society.  I know that it is essential to the healthy of the church.

 

What voice have you had in this conversation?

What jokes have you made about Millennials?

What assumptions do you hold against other generations?

As we reject ageism (judging others based on their age), we will become a healthy society and a healthier church.

 

How Millennial are you?

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Do you sometimes feel as if you identify with Millennials more than your own generation?  Is it because you are “young at heart”?  Or do you simply have different values than your peers?

I came across this on-line test, and thought it helps explain to some people a few of the clear variables that exist between Millennials and other generations.

I took the test and scored 78 as a Millennial.  I would have scored higher, but my mother (being of a much earlier generation) would cry if I got the tattoo and earring that I have always wanted.

This test simply measures the common characteristics of Millennials.  If you would like to read a few more characteristics of Millennials –  click here.

howmillareyou

 

10 Ways Millennials Are Creating the Future of Work (and the Church)

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pew and hymnalI recently read this article by Dan Schwabel.  He is the founder of Millennial Branding, a Gen-Y research and management consulting firm.  Dan’s research and predictions about the Millennials are changing the workplace can also be applied to the church.  Using his predictions, here are some ways that Millennials will change the church in the future.

  1.  Millennials will force churches to be transparent. Authenticity is a high value for Millennials.  There is a need for honesty in all activities.  If a church asks for money, then describe the needs.  If someone leaves the staff or community, then tell them the reasons why.  Attempts to cover-up the truth display inauthenticity, and will cause Millennials to flee.
  2. Millennials will choose meaningful work above everything else. Allow Millennials to do meaningful work.  They don’t want to be relegated to tasks because they are young.   Find out what they love to do, and remove the roadblocks.  Don’t make them fit into your pre-planned program.  Listen to who they are before you ask them to volunteer.
  3. Millennials will build a collaborative church. I think that this has ramifications for how a church does small groups.  Some groups connect better through collaboration, and sharing a common project.  Churches need to move beyond small groups simply doing “Bible Study.”
  4. Millennials will make worshipping from home the norm.  Millennials will continue to attend church, but they will also want to watch on-line when they are not available.  Many millennials have jobs that force them to work weekends; therefore a church that wants to appeal to this demographic must have a variety of attendance options, including on-line services.
  5. Millennials will recruit based on results over degrees.  They have been told since they entered education that they had to have a degree.  They have seen the positive and negatives of education, and realize that often education is just a useless gate that keeps capable people from work and leadership.  Millennials will look beyond the degree.
  6. Millennials will change the meaning of “face-time”.  Virtual church was once mocked by the Christian community as being unrealistic, and not real church.  Innovations in technology have made it a reality.  Although I believe in the importance of human-interaction,  technology is changing how this is accomplished.
  7. Millennials will encourage generosity and community support.  A church that wants to engage EA’s will go to the community rather than ask the community to come to them.  Emerging adults are very generous when it comes to the greater community.  They are not usually interested in supporting a larger church staff or programming.
  8. Millennials will eliminate the annual performance review.   Churches don’t do annual reviews,  but Millennials want their voice to be heard in the direction of the church.  A church will attract EA’s when they ask them questions and respond to their answers.  
  9. Millennials will turn work into a game instead of a chore.  The Gaming Industry is huge.  Instead of mocking gamers as immature men and women, a church should engage gamers by building community around them.  The church has embraced men’s sports activities for years, so why do churches frown upon one leisure activity, and yet spend money on the other?
  10. Millennials will level corporate hierarchies.  Already many churches are dropping the title “Senior” Pastor, and instead turning to “Lead” Pastor.  However, the changes have yet to begin.  Hierarchies will disappear within the church (especially those dominated by rich, male babyboomers).   This will only be done by conscious deliberate action.  

I welcome the changes – as part of God’s refining process to the Bride of Christ, and the furtherance of His Kingdom.

Emerging Adult Sues Parents for Child-Support?

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Rachel CanningWhat do your parents owe you?

Rachel Canning, an 18-year-old from New Jersey, believes that her parents owe her a lot.  Rachel is suing her parents for $650 in weekly child support, tuition at Morris Catholic High School ($12,700 a year according to their website), and her legal fees.

Rachel claims that her parents were abusive, and forced her to move out.  Her parents claim that Rachel left because she would not follow house rules including chores and a curfew.  Rachel was living with the family of one of her friends who is also currently paying her legal fees.

State Superior Court Judge Peter Bogaard denied her motion for financial support, but ordered everyone back to court on April 22.  This case will examine the question as to whether her parents are obligated to financially support their daughter.

Laws being made in our country speak to our culture’s expectations of emerging adults to grow up and care for themselves.  Under the Affordable Care Act, an emerging adult can now stay under their parent’s health insurance until 26.  While I am not necessarily opposed to this law, we must understand that laws set expectations, and expectations direct behavior.  This is the reason why Rachel Canning’s lawsuit is important.  This case explores several topics in our society including:  autonomy, the age of adulthood, responsibility of parents/children, and the abilities of parents to direct a household.

In this article, I want to look at the right of parents to impose consequences on their children’s behavior.  Rachel’s parents claim that Rachel broke the rules established in their home, and therefore she had to leave the home.  If she would abide by those rules, then she is free to return (which she recently did return home).

Parents cannot control behavior (although we would like to!), but they should be able to make appropriate consequences for behavior that they deem unhealthy.  Law experts worry that a decision in support of Rachel could lead the way to greater law suits.  What if a 16-year-old sues dad for a car?  What if a 10-year-old sues mom for an i-phone?  A decision which favors Rachel over her parents appears to remove power from parents to guide and direct their children’s behavior.  It also removes power from parents to impose consequences on their children’s behavior.

Many emerging adults have been given complete freedom, but are not dealing with the consequences.  Parents step in too often when their children make bad decisions because they cannot handle the child’s pain.  Freedom does not make an individual an adult, autonomy does.  Parents and emerging adults must both value autonomy in order to fully mature.

Autonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and deal with those consequences.  In this case, Rachel is stating that she has the freedom to make her own decisions (and her parents agree), however, she apparently is not willing to live with the consequences of those decisions.  Rachel wants to be able to make her own decisions regardless of the consequences.

Many parents struggle with allowing children to deal with the consequences of poor decisions.  If a child gets a bad grade, then they will call a teacher, or help them do the homework.  If they get a speeding ticket, the parents pay the fees.  Instead of a child learning that poor decisions bring negative consequences, the child expects that their parents to deal with the consequences.

Gardener planting the seedlings to the flower bed.Dealing with the consequences of actions is a concept that is found throughout scripture, and is often referred to the principle of sowing and reaping.  In Galatians 6:6-9, Paul teaches that the individual will reap what they sow, although it might not be according to the world’s timeline, but according to God’s timeline.

I believe that our society should rally to support the rights of parents who make emerging adults deal with the consequences of their actions.  As we give them autonomy (not just freedom), they are ready to face the road ahead.

What are your thoughts?  Did your parents ever set consequences for your decisions?

 

Your Role in THEIR Marital Conflict

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Love - Wedding BandsMarriage can be difficult.  In order to survive, many couples need outside support or they will crumble.  A strong marriage requires a support system which can include: parents, friends, relatives, and counselors.  Supportive parents are especially essential during the early years of marriage, but when disagreement arises in a marriage, what role should you as a parent take?

The role of a parent during times of conflict within a marriage is a complicated issue.  If your child is having a rough time in their marriage relationship, here are some thoughts how to help support without crossing boundaries.

1.  Listen

Listen using empathy to support your child.  Don’t seek to fix them or their spouse.  Ask questions to seek understanding of who they are, and how they feel.  Offer encouragement that they are not alone, and give them hope that they will make it through this conflict.  Remind them of your marital struggles, and the growth your marriage encountered through them.

It is more difficult to show your support for your child when they make decisions and embrace values different than your own.  Watching a child make bad decisions is a painful process, but God often uses pain to mold our character and direct our steps.  One mother says, “I learned to be quiet and support him even though I strongly disagreed with his choice and his lifestyle.  By taking a neutral role, our relationship grew back to the point where my son turned to me.”  Maintaining a healthy relationship while sharing different values will show them your love and support while affirming their newly-founded autonomy.

2.  Allow Autonomy

weddingAutonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  Allowing your adult children to have autonomy is difficult especially when they are dealing with the consequences of poor decisions.  However, as one parent says, “A child has to feel the pain of his own choices before they will make the decision to change.”  A child’s autonomy includes the development of their marriage relationship.

In a marriage, a couple forms a new unit as they leave and cleave.  In Genesis 2:24, the Bible states.  “For this reason, I man will leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  One emerging adult describes the transition, “When I started dating, I told my mom everything. I gradually started doing this less, but it has taken time and effort. My mom and I are really close, and the transition has been hard. Now that I am married, I need to be protective of my new marriage relationship.”

As they face difficulties, the couple must work towards decisions as a couple, and then learn to deal with the consequences.  This does not mean you cannot encourage, offer general principles of advice, and listen.  If the couple needs additional help, direct them to other sources of counsel including a pastor, counselor, or mentors.  In the end, you want your child to feel as if they made the decision, and you are supporting their autonomy.

3.  Forgiveness and Acceptance

A family is not made from perfect relationships.  A family is made when people stick together through the hurt and pain by healing and reconciliation.  One mother writes, “We all will make mistakes, but the simple phrase I love you and I am sorry goes along way.”  These two phrases are especially helpful tools when working with your emerging adults.

Even listening to your child talk about the hurt in their marriage could damage your relationship with your new in-law.  One parent says, “I have found that there is a need for me to forgive when there have been deep hurts against my child and ask God to help me be the loving parent that my in-laws need.”

Guard your heart and be aware that you will have to find grace and forgiveness for them.  As you add a new member to your family, mistakes will be made.  Feelings will be hurt.  Tempers will be lost.  Sometimes this hurt happens because of direct action, but at other times it is because of pain that was inflicted upon your child.

Remember that not all conflict is bad for your children.

Conflict can be an instrument of God to work in the marriage and the lives of both partners.  God could be using their disagreements to make the marriage healthier and happier.

Don’t run to rescue them, but let God use conflict in your child’s life to remake them.  In the meanwhile, you pray.  One parent reflects on this need.  “It is critical for parents to be daily praying for God to grow the marriage.”

Pray that they will learn to communicate.  Pray that they will each be humble.  Pray that they will become more like Christ.

What is the eVACuation Plan for your children?

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packed car

http://www.guardianremovals.co.uk

This winter’s weather has definitely been difficult.  Most of the United States has been under extremely cold weather conditions, it is currently snowing again in my home state of Minnesota.

One city that made recent news is Atlanta.  As a snow storm entered their city, the city officials did not adequately prepare for an evacuation of their city.  City officials knew the storm was coming, but failed to plan.  This lack of planning caused widespread confusion and chaos.

As a parent, do you have an evacuation plan for your emerging adult?  The day is coming when they will need to embrace adulthood.  Do you know what it will take to prepare them to leave the home in a healthy manner.

The primary goal for parents should not be to have an empty nest.  It is also not always more healthy or godly for emerging adults to move out.  In Bible times, families often lived under one roof.  It is only among affluent nations in more recent times that moving out has become so tied with reaching adulthood.

Becoming an adult is more than moving out of their parents’ home, Emerging adults need to accomplish three tasks:  Vocation, Autonomy, Community.  In order to achieve a successful evacuation from your home, here are three areas to develop your E-VAC plan (Vocation, Autonomy, Community).

1.  Vocation

Blank Road SignThe childhood question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  becomes central in the mind of emerging adults.  Vocation is the means by which the individual fulfills purpose in their life.  Emerging adults are seeking to discover vocation that gives them purpose and provides a place in the bigger picture of life. 

 

Parents must step forward to prepare them for the journey ahead.  How are we equipping our child to find purpose and provide for themselves?

Parents need to ask themselves how they can assist their child to move forward towards discovering their vocation.  Providing them opportunities for skills development, occupational exploration, work experience, and role models are a few things that parents can do to help them develop.

Other parents do too much.  If you are filling out job applications, then you are doing too much.  You have crossed the line, if you are filling out their college applications.  There is a balance to be found between directing their educational and vocational decisions, and yet letting them stand autonomous which is our second area of development for a healthy evacuation.

2.  Autonomy

The second developmental task of adulthood is to establish autonomy.  Autonomy can be defined as the ability to make one’s own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  An individual must break their dependency upon other humans (usually parents, but it could be anyone), and make decisions that are their own.

Parents need to allow their child’s autonomy, and to encourage them as they develop.  They can do this through releasing children to make decisions, working alongside them in the decision-making process, allowing children to pay for the consequences of the decisions.

3.  Community

Community is essential to becoming an adult, and an individual’s further development.  Western culture tends to support independent living, but biblical principles support inter-dependent living. God created humans for community with Him, and with one another.

Parents should seek to equip adolescents with the skills to seek and develop community.  These social skills are essential for the maturation process.  They can do this through forcing children out of their social comfort zones, placing them in intergenerational environments, teaching them social skills.

Don’t be caught off guard.  Get your E-VAC plan in place.

If you are interested in hosting a seminar for your church or school, on how to develop your own E-VAC plan, please contact Dr. G. David Boyd at gdavid@earesources.org.

The Builder’s Response

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I am sorry that what I am doing is not to your liking. Not everything turned out as you expected. Disappointment is hard.  I never promised that this would be easy.  I know that you may want to change your mind. I cannot make you stay, but please hear me out before you leave.

You need to trust me.

You need to trust who I am.

The One who made the heavens and the earth can surely get you through this bump in the road. The One who designed the human body can surely design a plan for your life.

You need to trust what I can do.

I have promised that what I have begun to do, I will finish. The building going on should not prove my absence but my presence.  I am at work during the good and the bad.  I am near, and I have a new direction for you.

To help you find that direction, I may use circumstances that are not to your liking.  Do not be deceived. This is not the work of others. I may use others, but they are simply My instruments working what I want accomplished.

Life is not stagnant, but can change in the blink of an eye.  I do not need you to bring it to pass. I am at work.  Your meddling, your whining and your complaining will not affect My outcome, but it will ruin your journey.

The last thing for you to do right now is also the hardest.

You need to trust that I love you.

The pain might seem as if I don’t care.  It may seem that I can do something to stop your pain, but won’t.  My love for you has never changed and it never will.

You have lost your focus.  Look at me.  Do not focus on the pain that has embraced you. Do not focus on the storm that rages around you.

While you wait for this storm to cease and your pain to fade,

Come unto Me for you are weary and burdened.  I will give you the rest that you so desperately need.  Take my yoke upon you, so I can help you.  I am gentle and humble in my care for you, and your soul will be revived.  You will discover that sharing the burden with me makes the journey easier, and it no longer holds the power that it once did.

 

In response to The Builder.

The Builder

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A parable that shows how consumerism affects our relationship with God.

I wonder what it will look like when it is completed.  It is fun to dream about, but today I am looking at what it is now – and that isn’t the best.

I feel as if there are too major problems with this deal. Something needs to be done before it is too late.

Luckily, He is still working on it.

I feel as if the rooms are not quite right. I would have placed the family room in the center- the place where we hang out and watch our favorite shows, but the builder must have made a mistake.

I feel as if the walls are all wrong, they are too low. I want them to be higher.  High walls makes me feel safe and gives me a sense of privacy.

He must not understand that I value my privacy.

I feel as if the wood is all wrong.  It is much too rough.  Unfinished wood has brought me many splinters – painful and difficult to remove.

Hasn’t he ever felt the pain from rough wood rubbing on skin?

I feel like the colors are all wrong.  They are much too dark.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many bright spots, but I want the whole house bright.  The dark spaces just have to go.

I feel as if the furnishings are all wrong.  They are much too simple.  The barest of necessities is all that is placed around the room.  It makes me wonder whether the Builder has even considered my personal comfort.

I feel as if the location is wrong.  The weather here is subject to constant change.  I am tired of storms.  All I am asking for is a little sun.  I can’t even begin to explain the neighbors – not the type of people that I want to associate with, let alone having them live beside me.

Plus, the timing is all wrong.  The whole process is taking too long.  My dreams and plans are passing me by while this builder just keeps doing His own thing. He keeps telling me it is going to be great. He keeps telling me to wait and see.  However, I am beginning to doubt.

I am beginning to tire of His future promises. I am afraid that He is taking me for a ride and that in the end, I will be left empty-handed and disappointed.  My friends keep asking why I am sticking around.  As I look around, I become more confused about what He must be thinking.

I will talk to the Builder. If He doesn’t make the changes I demand, I should just walk away.

(For a follow up article, please read The Builder’s Response)

 

You are not the only one (for parents).

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Blank Road SignIf you feel as if nobody else’s children have problems…

If you wanted an empty nest, but have only gotten an empty wallet…

If you feel as if your kids will not pass history, let alone graduate…

If you feel as if you pray, and pray, and pray, and see no change …

If you are ready for your children to move out…

If you feel judgment walking through the church doors because of where your children are today,

If you struggle with guilt over your past decisions as a parent…

If you want your children to move back in…

If you are uncertain about your own financial security, let alone your kids…

If you feel as if you might be enabling your child instead of helping them…

Senior couple and their dautherIf you thought parenting ended at 18, but it now seems harder than ever…

If your child is the one who is jobless, but you are the one with no money…

If your child seems stuck, but you are the one in pain…

If you question aspects of your faith, and wonder where to go for answers…

If you get your sense of worth from how your children turned out…

If you lay awake at night wondering if they will be okay…

Or coming home…

Or ever moving out…

You are not alone, but normal.  Welcome to normal.  We can help.

EA Resources is dedicated to helping the parents of Emerging Adults.  We hope that these resources will encourage you on your journey.