Category Archives: Family Life

How my Parents Aided in my Battle with Depression

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walking manAccording to the National Institutes of Health, one out of every four emerging adults (between 18-25) will experience depression in some form (some seasonal, short-term, or long-term).  In our Facebook world, everyone seems happy and active, but hidden below those pretty profile pics can be a world of hurt and pain.

When an emerging adult is dealing with depression, they are not the only ones to suffer.  Parents carry a great weight of responsibility during the battle.  Many wonder what they can do to help.

I recently interviewed an emerging adult about their struggle, and how their parents helped them through their battle with depression.  The writer wished to remain anonymous partially because of the stigma that still exists within the church over those who struggle with depression.  Unfortunately, the judgement of others leads people to isolate themselves, and aggravate the problem.

I hope this person’s words can encourage you and your emerging adults.

How long have you been struggling with depression? 

I’ve been dealing with clinical depression since I was 15 (7 years now).  I don’t know what for sure triggered it, but depression does run in the family.  The roughest years were when it first started (age 15), my senior year of high school, and the first two years of college.

How did you get better? 

A lot of my depression was fed by my high level of perfectionism.  If I didn’t meet my expectations, it would cause me to feel down.  I finally realized that I couldn’t continue as I was (sophomore year in college at this point) and took some time off school to give myself a break and focus on what I needed.  I spent the first three months of my first semester off sitting on my butt and doing absolutely nothing.  This was just what I needed – emotional rest, physical rest, spiritual rest.  I hadn’t experienced any of that for far too long.  During this rest, I saw a therapist, took medication, and had a good support group.  These things all contributed to the healing process and I slowly went upwards from there.

How did you parents help in the process?

My parents did their best to educate themselves on depression and tried to be understanding even when they really didn’t understand everything.  Over time, they learned that it was ok to not always understand but just to accept what I was feeling was valid and deeply affecting me.  They also learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.  I knew what I needed, but was unable (or uncomfortable) to ask for it. 

They served as an advocate for me in high school when teachers didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better.  My dad researched and then personally called a therapist who wasn’t taking any new clients at the time, and at the end of their conversation she was willing to see me.  My parents went to bat for me in the areas that I was too exhausted or felt too hopeless to fight for myself.

young beautiful woman with probing, slightly sad glanceIn what ways were your parents NOT helpful?  or even hurtful?

The hardest part for my parents was that for a long time they didn’t know how to help me, and I know that made them feel so impotent in the face of watching their daughter struggle with so much pain.  At times, they would enter the “fix-it” mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution and then it’s “fixed.” 

Sometimes they would get really frustrated with me when they didn’t understand my lack of motivation and physical energy to do what they thought was a simple task; they just couldn’t empathize, because they hadn’t experienced it.  Feeling their frustration and disappointment on top of my own (because I was already beating upon myself) led to many meltdowns.  I know now they weren’t so much frustrated with me than at the situation, but I desperately needed steady patience and understanding and grace, because I had none for myself. 

 What advice would you give to someone who is currently struggling?

1.       Know that you’re not alone—far from it! 

2.      Seek counsel from someone who has struggled successfully with depression; they’re great for understanding exactly what lies you’re telling yourself and helping you hear the truth when you can’t preach it to yourself. 

3.      See a therapist.  I gained the tools I needed to battle the depression and come out healthy on the other side.

4.  Try to give yourself grace.

 

What did you or your parents do that helped you through depression?  Please share your thoughts to encourage others.

When Your Child is Depressed

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pensive EAAccording to the National Institutes of Health, “One in four emerging adults will experience a depressive episode between the ages of 18-25.”  Depression among emerging adults can be caused by economic uncertainty, changes in relationships, seemingly endless decision-making, or any number of other challenges that they face.  Some depressive episodes are short-term caused by circumstances (like seasonal depression, or a traumatic break up), while others are long-term.

When depression comes, it does not just affect the child.  As a parent, it affects you.  If an Emerging adult that you love is suffering with depression, here are a few words of encouragement to help you through.

1.  You, as a parent, will experience various emotions.

Don’t be ashamed or shocked by your own struggle over their depression.  Watching our children go through pain causes us pain of our own.  Here is an example of a parent’s varied emotions when dealing with a child who is depressed.  “I worried all of the time.  I kept blaming myself.  I tried to be in control of things I had no control over. I experienced fear.  I experienced God’s presence.  I wanted my child to know the peace of God, but I couldn’t make it happen.  I felt helpless.  I turned off my feelings to be strong for my child (which was very exhausting).”  These mixed emotions can play havoc on a parent’s emotional health.  As a parent, you will learn to control your own emotions as you listen to theirs.

It is okay to know and admit that you are hurting.  Take time to ensure the health of your own emotions so that you are able to give to your child.  No one can give without also receiving and being recharged.

2.  You begin helping when you stop fixing.

Most parents when they hear about depression rely on a list of solutions so that it can be solved.  You might even be reading this article hoping for the perfect solution.  However, depression is not easily conquered.  One emerging adults said, “At times, my parents would enter the ‘fix-it’ mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution.”  Seek to end conversations not with a list of action steps, but a hug and simple words of hope like, “We are going to make it through.”  Or “I love you.”

One parent shares that, “You can’t FIX them.  Don’t take over their lives.  Help them make decisions but don’t make decisions for them.”  Even during times of depression, it is important for emerging adults to retain their personal autonomy.  Taking over their lives could cause emerging adults to revert back to earlier stages of development.

3.  Listen to them and learn. 

Once leaving the role of fixer and advice giver, a parent can begin to listen.  Many times parents struggle with understanding because they are listening only for the reasons their child is struggling (still hoping to fix it.)  As a parent, you are listening for how they are feeling, and what they most need from you in the moment.  One Emerging adults said, “My parents learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.”

As you listen, you will learn how to better help your child.  One parent expresses what she learned during the process, “I learned to listen and ask open ended questions.  I learned not to judge.  I learned to discern what to look for as in signs they were in trouble.  I learned that it’s okay to snoop into their lives to know where they are mentally.”  Every child is different, and learning new skills and acquiring new tools is a must.

girl-woman-hair-1276336-l[1]4.  You are not alone. 

Many parents feel as if their child is the only one who is struggling.  Mental illness is often accompanied by public shame especially in the church where everybody should be happy.  This guilt and shame can cause parents to isolate themselves, and not have the support network they needs as parents.  One parent says, “Talk.  Talk.  Talk.  Find support.  Don’t try to cover it up like it’s some terrible, horrible secret.  Your child should NEVER be ashamed of this disease.”   Neither should you as a parent.  It is not your fault.

If you are like most parents, this is probably not the first or last article that you will read, trying desperately to get information, help, or encouragement for your child.  Depression is not a sprint, but more of a distance race.  You will make it through, but it is so important that you make sure of your own emotional health while trying to care for your child.

Remain hopeful in our Lord’s great love for you and your child.  “Because of His Great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning;  Great is His Faithfulness.”

Who defines Manhood in your Home? – Family Emblem

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Eeeeew. A chemist's on Portobello Road in London. So much for the whole up-market Notting Hill thing, eh?

Who would use store deodorants?

Recently, my wife and I had to buy deodorant for our middle child.  Although he is young, his armpits just smell terrible.  So we had the conversation planned out perfectly, so as to not hurt his feelings, and help him adjust to this new idea.

As soon as we shared the news, he exclaimed.  “I’m a man.”  My wife and I just sat their confused.  Instead of sad about his stench, he accepted the news with great pride as a sign of his being a man.   I am not sure where he got this idea, because I sure don’t run around the house proclaiming the manliness of stinky armpits.

In a world where there are many strange ideas about what being a man is all about, I believe it is important for me to define manhood (based on God’s truth, and with God’s direction) for my three future men.

I am a believer in celebrating rites of passage within a family.  As my oldest turns ten this spring, I am already planning ahead a first step in his transition from boy to man.  A pattern that I appreciate and have chosen to use in my own family comes from Robert Lewis’ book, Raising a Modern-day Knight.

During my years in ministry, I have observed and participated in several rites of passage with young men.  One emerging adult spoke about his father’s role in preparing him to be a dad,

My dad played a large role in my transition into being a man.  When I left for college, he told me, ‘You’re a man now.’  He trained me.  I know that I have his support.  He will back me up and give me advice.  He was the man in my life, and he has trained me on what to do in order to be a man”.

That is the way I want to lead my sons, so that they will understand what God calls us to be as men.  This is not a project that I should do alone, but something I want to do with my wife.  Rachel and I did some reflecting together on what we most want for our boys to be, and we set three goals for our little men.

Boyd Crest - JpegAs a symbol and teaching tool for my family, I asked a friend to sketch a Boyd Family Crest (the uber-talented Allen Nevalainen).  My hope is that each of my boys will instill the values that it represents.  The swords represent the community that they will need as they journey through life.  The rose represents the love that they will demonstrate to others.  The cross represents the purpose for their lives.  The Greek words on the banner can be translated, “One Lord, One Faith, One Hope.”

I believe that intentionality is important for raising our boys to become healthy men.

How do you plan to pass along a legacy of authentic manhood?  Share a thought for our community.

 

Dreaming of the Elusive Empty Nest

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bird-nest-tree-2028508-o[1]When Your Children Come Back to Roost

Emerging adults are not the only ones who are struggling with elusive dreams these days.  Parents who for years dreamed of the “empty nest” are finding their children coming back to roost.  According to the Current Population Survey in 2001, 50.25% of adults (ages 18 to 24) live with parents, and 10.6% of adults (ages 25 to 34) reside with parents.  Continue reading →

A Parent’s Toolbox

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Tobi on floorLife with three boys is certainly an adventure.  Just the other day, Toby (my 2 year old), decided even after several warnings to throw a metal airplane at his big brother.  Shortly afterwards, we had not one, but two boys crying.

I took Toby to the “naughty step” which is a tool that we use to teach the concepts of discipline, obedience, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

However, the naughty step no longer seems to be effective when working with my older boys.  Once so effective, they have become immune to its impact.  In order to get across these same concepts, I have had to find new tools.  If I use the naughty step with them, they become angry and frustrated that I treat them like they are still two.  The conflict is no longer focused on obedience, but upon our under-developed relationship.

tools-toolbox-basement-2028410-h[1]As parents, sometimes we use out-dated tools as we engage with our emerging adults.  We fail to realize that our little babies are no longer babies (illustrated by this powerful commercial).

A new phase of parenting requires a new set of tools.  The purpose of EA Resources is to equip you with the tools that you need in order to help your children enter and succeed in adulthood.

It is important to remember that while your child might still need to work through the same concepts of discipline, obedience, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, you are no longer a controller of the process, but an invited companion of their journey.   Your child establishes both where they are headed, and how they will get there.

What outdated tool are you still attempting to use?  How do you need to develop in your skills as a parent?

How has your parenting tool box changed as your child has become an adult?  What words of wisdom can you leave for others?