Category Archives: Relationships

Dad and Mom aren’t the best source for your Marital Advice.

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hand_hands_wedding_It seemed as if the honeymoon would never end.  However, marriage is not as easy as you once thought.  You have discovered that your spouse does have an opinion and they have the audacity to believe you are wrong.  So when the honeymoon bliss turns to marital strife, where do you go for help?

A strong marriage requires a strong support system which can include: parents, friends, relatives, and counselors. In order to survive, many couples need outside support or they will crumble.  Although you need your parents support, asking them for help in times of conflict can become unhealthy rather quickly, and here are the reasons why.

1.  Marriage requires Leaving and Cleaving

Autonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  It is essential for the development of you and your marriage.  As you mature, the relationship with your parents needs to redefined, and you should be making more decisions, and dealing with the consequences.

In a marriage, the couple forms a new unit as they leave and cleave.  Genesis 2:24 states, “For this reason, I man will leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  One emerging adults describes this as, “when you marry your wife, she becomes the most important relationship in your life (other than with God) no matter what.  I feel like going back to your parents to resolve relationship issues in marriage is a dangerous road to go down.”

It is important for new couple to develop their conflict and communication skills.  One recently married emerging adult states, “Families tend to take sides and have strong opinions. We want to work out our true ideas and communication skills.  …going to our parents too often splinters our relationship.”  Involving your parents can also establish an unhealthy pattern for years that will be harder to break.

2.  Marriages need Objective Advice

Many parents are able to give godly counsel.  However, few if any parents are able to provide objective advice when it comes to their children.  One parent explains, “Parents are naturally biased towards their own children.  I don’t know if it’s fair to ask a parent to be objective in a situation that affects their child’s happiness.”

While counseling an EA, he responded, “I hear what you say, but my dad’s advice resonates with me.”  I wanted to laugh, but I was able to refrain.  There is a reason why dad’s advice resonated with him. Advice received from parents matches the values of their marriage and home.  However, a new marriage requires objective counsel that would incorporate the values of both partners in the marriage relationship.

3.  Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Involving your parents can also make a small problem, into a bigger one – involving more people.  Matthew 18:15-17 talks about how we are to seek resolution with the person who offended us.   One emerging adults says, “It’s not hard for me to leave parents out because it’s not their place to be in the middle of my and my fiance’s relationship. That’s just plain unhealthy.”  Involving other people–even parents–can lead to people taking sides and make things messier and more complicated, especially since third parties often have limited information about the conflict.

Another danger of involving parents in your marital conflicts is that your parents will be hurt, but unable to participate in the healing process.  This will cause feelings of hurt, and bitterness towards your spouse, even after you have been reconciled.  One newlywed expresses her protection of her husband by limiting what she shares to her parents.  “After I got married, I need to be protective of our relationship and respectful of him when sharing with others.”

  4.  Look Around

You don’t need to struggle alone.  There are additional sources of encouragement including friends, mentors, counselors, and pastors.  Who has God placed in your life that might be a source of encouragement to you?  Each phase of marriage is different, and God might have brought them into your life in order to help you on your journey.

Getting help requires courage.  I pray that this gives you the courage you need to step out and get help.

Quality Time with the Parents

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sessums-mother-daughter-679867-h[1]Just because you have graduated from school does not mean that you no longer need your parents.  Our need for a community  is a basic human need, and not something you ever outgrow.  In an attempt to become independent, sometimes EA’s make the mistake of becoming too distant from their parents.  While you do need to become more autonomous, it is okay for your parents to remain apart of your community. 

Due to the quantities of issues and decisions that you are facing, you need quality time with your parents (or other older adults who you can trust).  While each person’s quality time will look different, here are a few ways to make the most of your time with your parents.

Make sure your time with them is…

1.  Focused

Quality time is difficult to achieve when interrupted by the constant demand of media.   While at a restaurant, I saw all four members of a family eating lunch with their phones out playing games, texting, and surfing the web, rather than being present with one another.  So many times families sit in the same room, but are in different worlds.  While media and technology can be a blessing, they can also be a curse.  Make sure you are fully present when talking to your parents. 

2.  Two-sided

Emerging adults often get stereotyped as being self-centered (which is not fair because all people are naturally self-centered – I know that I am.)  As you mature, your relationship with your parents should develop into a two-sided relationship (a relationship where both parties equally give and receive). 

The view of your parents which has only seen their role as your mother and father should be changing.  They are not simply parents, but have other roles as a brother, son, employee, community volunteer, church member.   As you get to know your parents as adults, ask them questions about their lives, their work, and how they feel.   Your parents have good and hard days.  They have struggles and disappointments.  As an adult, make sure you invest in this new phase of relationship with your parents. 

3.  Unhurried

College life can be filled with activity.  While you might have bonding moments amidst the busyness of life, quality time flourishes when not rushed.  When we rush through life, we don’t have time to truly appreciate it, or allow time for reflection.   Don’t just call mom and dad while walking between classes, or running between events.  Time with your parents is not something you do in between events, but is an event.  Schedule a time, and prioritize it. 

Quality time is it is often unappreciated.  We often don’t appreciate the quality time we have with each other until sickness or death threatens to take it away. 

Finding quality time with your parents isn’t always easy.  Since you have left home, their lives have continued on.  In order to get enough attention, you will need to work for it.  You will need to ask for it.  You may need to demand it.  A basic building block of a strong relationship is feeling wanted.  Many parent/child relationships fall apart during the college years because children give signs that they don’t want their parents.  Do you parents know that you don’t want money, but that above all you want a relationship with them?    

Instead of a text, find some time today to talk to one of your parents. 

 

 

Dr. G. David Boyd has been a pastor and friend to EA’s for the past twelve years.  He still enjoys spending quality time with his parents who live in Indiana.

One way to spend your Thanksgiving away from Home

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Lots of people have thanksgiving traditions, like having family over, playing games, watching football and eating too much, the list can go on and on. Traditions are about comfort and doing what you have been doing most of your life, because it’s familiar.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to do the same thing year after year but last year opened my eyes to a new tradition.

During the fall of my senior year of college I studied in Nashville, TN.  It is a 15 hour drive from my home in MN.  I still had some time left after Thanksgiving until the semester was over and I did not have money to drive all the way home and all the way back…and all the way home again.

So I went through some options in my head

A)  Spend thanksgiving alone with a frozen pizza and an action movie (not bad but kinda lonely)

B)  Beg some people fly out here (I’m in college, all my friends are just as poor as me)

C)  See if anyone would let me come to their thanksgiving (I have only known these people for a couple months)

As it turns out one of my buddies lived in South Carolina and was driving home to be with his family, he invited me to come over and I thought it would be a great time!  I was a little nervous.  I was going to spend Thanksgiving with another family – a family that homeschooled their kids?  It was different than my background, and they might have other weird family traditions!

God has a way of taking you places you never thought you would be with people you never thought you would meet.  Then afterwards, you can’t imagine your life without it.  One of my life verses is Proverbs 3:4-5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Last year’s Thanksgiving was a blast.  I was totally brought into this family and they welcomed me with open arms the whole time I was there.  Because of their love, I want to start a new tradition for this time of year.

Spend Thanksgiving with a different family each year.

This year I’m going to Buffalo, NY (Lord Willing), to be with different friends.

What’s a tradition that you can start that will stretch your comfort zone?

 

keagan blanckeKeagan Blancke is a 22 year old broadcasting graduate from University of Northwestern St. Paul. My motto is “it’s all about who you know” and the most important person you can know is Jesus. I would love to get to know you as well, making connections is always beneficial.

How my Parents Aided in my Battle with Depression

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walking manAccording to the National Institutes of Health, one out of every four emerging adults (between 18-25) will experience depression in some form (some seasonal, short-term, or long-term).  In our Facebook world, everyone seems happy and active, but hidden below those pretty profile pics can be a world of hurt and pain.

When an emerging adult is dealing with depression, they are not the only ones to suffer.  Parents carry a great weight of responsibility during the battle.  Many wonder what they can do to help.

I recently interviewed an emerging adult about their struggle, and how their parents helped them through their battle with depression.  The writer wished to remain anonymous partially because of the stigma that still exists within the church over those who struggle with depression.  Unfortunately, the judgement of others leads people to isolate themselves, and aggravate the problem.

I hope this person’s words can encourage you and your emerging adults.

How long have you been struggling with depression? 

I’ve been dealing with clinical depression since I was 15 (7 years now).  I don’t know what for sure triggered it, but depression does run in the family.  The roughest years were when it first started (age 15), my senior year of high school, and the first two years of college.

How did you get better? 

A lot of my depression was fed by my high level of perfectionism.  If I didn’t meet my expectations, it would cause me to feel down.  I finally realized that I couldn’t continue as I was (sophomore year in college at this point) and took some time off school to give myself a break and focus on what I needed.  I spent the first three months of my first semester off sitting on my butt and doing absolutely nothing.  This was just what I needed – emotional rest, physical rest, spiritual rest.  I hadn’t experienced any of that for far too long.  During this rest, I saw a therapist, took medication, and had a good support group.  These things all contributed to the healing process and I slowly went upwards from there.

How did you parents help in the process?

My parents did their best to educate themselves on depression and tried to be understanding even when they really didn’t understand everything.  Over time, they learned that it was ok to not always understand but just to accept what I was feeling was valid and deeply affecting me.  They also learned to ask me what I needed from them rather than try to guess – which was the best thing they could do.  I knew what I needed, but was unable (or uncomfortable) to ask for it. 

They served as an advocate for me in high school when teachers didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting better.  My dad researched and then personally called a therapist who wasn’t taking any new clients at the time, and at the end of their conversation she was willing to see me.  My parents went to bat for me in the areas that I was too exhausted or felt too hopeless to fight for myself.

young beautiful woman with probing, slightly sad glanceIn what ways were your parents NOT helpful?  or even hurtful?

The hardest part for my parents was that for a long time they didn’t know how to help me, and I know that made them feel so impotent in the face of watching their daughter struggle with so much pain.  At times, they would enter the “fix-it” mode, which is the last thing I needed from them. Depression isn’t a problem that has a simple solution and then it’s “fixed.” 

Sometimes they would get really frustrated with me when they didn’t understand my lack of motivation and physical energy to do what they thought was a simple task; they just couldn’t empathize, because they hadn’t experienced it.  Feeling their frustration and disappointment on top of my own (because I was already beating upon myself) led to many meltdowns.  I know now they weren’t so much frustrated with me than at the situation, but I desperately needed steady patience and understanding and grace, because I had none for myself. 

 What advice would you give to someone who is currently struggling?

1.       Know that you’re not alone—far from it! 

2.      Seek counsel from someone who has struggled successfully with depression; they’re great for understanding exactly what lies you’re telling yourself and helping you hear the truth when you can’t preach it to yourself. 

3.      See a therapist.  I gained the tools I needed to battle the depression and come out healthy on the other side.

4.  Try to give yourself grace.

 

What did you or your parents do that helped you through depression?  Please share your thoughts to encourage others.

The Connecting Church – Book Review

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Connecting churchHave you ever tried attending a small group, only to find it didn’t provide the Community that you longed for?

The one act in the Creation record that is not labeled as good is that man was alone.  God created us to have community with Him and one another.  According to Frazee, “People need to be involved in meaningful and constant community or they will continue on indefinitely in a state of intense loneliness.”  (Frazee)

Frazee points out that America’s obsession with independence often keeps them from seeking the community that the need.  It is essential for the individual to be able to develop a community in order sustain healthy adulthood.  Frazee says, “I would suggest that one of the major obstacles to community is America is that we don’t need each other anymore.  We are independent people. …  Sadly, when a person becomes independent of others, they get the loneliness and isolation that accompany it as well.”  (Frazee)

Here a few of Frazee points that I believe are worth noting.

Beyond Small Group Ministry

Many churches advertise that people will find community in a small group, but they might as well be selling snake oil.  Hopeful of finding authentic community, many people leave a small-group feeling disillusioned and frustrated.  The purpose of small groups is not small groups.  The purpose is to achieve, “The development of meaningful relationships where every member carries a significant sense of belonging [which] is central to what it means to be the church.  (Frazee)  We must remember that our goal is authentic community, and I believe Frazee’s book gives great direction to individuals and churches to reach that goal.

Simplify Church

Frazee is not a fan of complex, program-driven churches.  “This will require that the church not develop competing activities or functions at the church but rather allow the small group members to simplify their church lives by means of this one group.” (Frazee)  One reason is because they are not looking for more activities, EA are looking for people to share the simple pleasure of life – eating, playing, and talking.  They will not have time to do life together if they are always running to support church functions.

Breaking Down Walls between the Generationsintergenerational

My favorite points by Frazee is his desire to see multi-generational relationships within the church.  He says, “Many church leaders still believe that the most effective grouping of people is centered around the sharing of a common life-stage experience.”  (Frazee) I am glad that this mindset is beginning to be questioned, and in some brave churches it is being destroyed.  He goes on to state, “The life-stage mind-set is so ingrained that it has a powerful effect both on the youngest members of our community as well as the oldest.  As our children grow up, many are not comfortable in relating to people of other ages.”   (Frazee)

Could their inability to relate to other age groups be a reason why some leave the church?

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Frazee’s book because it reminded me of my own longings of authentic community- an ever-changing game of catch and release.

 

Premature Intimacy

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the guy and the girlI believe in purity. I believe in purity rings. I believe in setting physical boundaries in relationships in order to keep from hurting ourselves and others. This is something that is often taught, lectured, and discussed in Christian circles. However, I think we are missing something. Something BIG. Continue reading →