Category Archives: For Emerging Adults

LA TIMES Article on Millennials – A response to Generational Bashing

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MillenialsI came across a new article on the Millennials (those born approximately 1982 to 2004) which I thought was worth sharing.

Not because it was incredibly insightful, research-based, or even because it is right.  I am sharing it because it shares a positive perspective of the strengths of our youngest generation.

Yes, take a breath.  It is a POSITIVE article about the Millennials.

According the author, here are a few of their strengths:

 They are inherently more adaptive, they are idealistic, they are tolerant of differences.  They are aspirational in all the right ways. At our prodding, they worked harder in high school than we ever did in college.

As a result, the older ones (26 to 33) are the best-educated segment of young adults in American history, according to a Pew Research Center study of millennials that was released in March.

Unfortunately, the author knows that he has to apologize again and again for being so foolish as to see them as positive force within our society.  I wish there were more people who would speak up, and defend them.  The Millennials shouldn’t be defending them by proving that they truly are the best.  The Millennials shouldn’t be defending through proving “such and such” statistics are wrong.  We shouldn’t be defending them because individually they each deserve it.

We defend them because it is the right thing to do.  We defend them because there is no positive result from bashing another generation.  We defend them because they are not a group of “others,”  but they are part of us.  They are humans, and they are our offspring.

Why is it so hard for us to grasp the destruction that comes from generation bashing?

I am not a fan of generation wars.  Tom Brookaw’s book The Greatest Generation is a great tribute to those of that era; however, the title and concept that other generations are not as great is unfortunate.  Maybe some people deem inter-generational conflict and competition as healthy and makes a society (and the church) more productive.  This is only true if you value productivity (if that is even truly an outcome), over unity.

It is work to understand and appreciate other generations.  However, bridge-building between generations is essential to the health of our society.  I know that it is essential to the healthy of the church.

 

What voice have you had in this conversation?

What jokes have you made about Millennials?

What assumptions do you hold against other generations?

As we reject ageism (judging others based on their age), we will become a healthy society and a healthier church.

 

How Millennial are you?

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Do you sometimes feel as if you identify with Millennials more than your own generation?  Is it because you are “young at heart”?  Or do you simply have different values than your peers?

I came across this on-line test, and thought it helps explain to some people a few of the clear variables that exist between Millennials and other generations.

I took the test and scored 78 as a Millennial.  I would have scored higher, but my mother (being of a much earlier generation) would cry if I got the tattoo and earring that I have always wanted.

This test simply measures the common characteristics of Millennials.  If you would like to read a few more characteristics of Millennials –  click here.

howmillareyou

 

10 Ways Millennials Are Creating the Future of Work (and the Church)

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pew and hymnalI recently read this article by Dan Schwabel.  He is the founder of Millennial Branding, a Gen-Y research and management consulting firm.  Dan’s research and predictions about the Millennials are changing the workplace can also be applied to the church.  Using his predictions, here are some ways that Millennials will change the church in the future.

  1.  Millennials will force churches to be transparent. Authenticity is a high value for Millennials.  There is a need for honesty in all activities.  If a church asks for money, then describe the needs.  If someone leaves the staff or community, then tell them the reasons why.  Attempts to cover-up the truth display inauthenticity, and will cause Millennials to flee.
  2. Millennials will choose meaningful work above everything else. Allow Millennials to do meaningful work.  They don’t want to be relegated to tasks because they are young.   Find out what they love to do, and remove the roadblocks.  Don’t make them fit into your pre-planned program.  Listen to who they are before you ask them to volunteer.
  3. Millennials will build a collaborative church. I think that this has ramifications for how a church does small groups.  Some groups connect better through collaboration, and sharing a common project.  Churches need to move beyond small groups simply doing “Bible Study.”
  4. Millennials will make worshipping from home the norm.  Millennials will continue to attend church, but they will also want to watch on-line when they are not available.  Many millennials have jobs that force them to work weekends; therefore a church that wants to appeal to this demographic must have a variety of attendance options, including on-line services.
  5. Millennials will recruit based on results over degrees.  They have been told since they entered education that they had to have a degree.  They have seen the positive and negatives of education, and realize that often education is just a useless gate that keeps capable people from work and leadership.  Millennials will look beyond the degree.
  6. Millennials will change the meaning of “face-time”.  Virtual church was once mocked by the Christian community as being unrealistic, and not real church.  Innovations in technology have made it a reality.  Although I believe in the importance of human-interaction,  technology is changing how this is accomplished.
  7. Millennials will encourage generosity and community support.  A church that wants to engage EA’s will go to the community rather than ask the community to come to them.  Emerging adults are very generous when it comes to the greater community.  They are not usually interested in supporting a larger church staff or programming.
  8. Millennials will eliminate the annual performance review.   Churches don’t do annual reviews,  but Millennials want their voice to be heard in the direction of the church.  A church will attract EA’s when they ask them questions and respond to their answers.  
  9. Millennials will turn work into a game instead of a chore.  The Gaming Industry is huge.  Instead of mocking gamers as immature men and women, a church should engage gamers by building community around them.  The church has embraced men’s sports activities for years, so why do churches frown upon one leisure activity, and yet spend money on the other?
  10. Millennials will level corporate hierarchies.  Already many churches are dropping the title “Senior” Pastor, and instead turning to “Lead” Pastor.  However, the changes have yet to begin.  Hierarchies will disappear within the church (especially those dominated by rich, male babyboomers).   This will only be done by conscious deliberate action.  

I welcome the changes – as part of God’s refining process to the Bride of Christ, and the furtherance of His Kingdom.

Emerging Adult Sues Parents for Child-Support?

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Rachel CanningWhat do your parents owe you?

Rachel Canning, an 18-year-old from New Jersey, believes that her parents owe her a lot.  Rachel is suing her parents for $650 in weekly child support, tuition at Morris Catholic High School ($12,700 a year according to their website), and her legal fees.

Rachel claims that her parents were abusive, and forced her to move out.  Her parents claim that Rachel left because she would not follow house rules including chores and a curfew.  Rachel was living with the family of one of her friends who is also currently paying her legal fees.

State Superior Court Judge Peter Bogaard denied her motion for financial support, but ordered everyone back to court on April 22.  This case will examine the question as to whether her parents are obligated to financially support their daughter.

Laws being made in our country speak to our culture’s expectations of emerging adults to grow up and care for themselves.  Under the Affordable Care Act, an emerging adult can now stay under their parent’s health insurance until 26.  While I am not necessarily opposed to this law, we must understand that laws set expectations, and expectations direct behavior.  This is the reason why Rachel Canning’s lawsuit is important.  This case explores several topics in our society including:  autonomy, the age of adulthood, responsibility of parents/children, and the abilities of parents to direct a household.

In this article, I want to look at the right of parents to impose consequences on their children’s behavior.  Rachel’s parents claim that Rachel broke the rules established in their home, and therefore she had to leave the home.  If she would abide by those rules, then she is free to return (which she recently did return home).

Parents cannot control behavior (although we would like to!), but they should be able to make appropriate consequences for behavior that they deem unhealthy.  Law experts worry that a decision in support of Rachel could lead the way to greater law suits.  What if a 16-year-old sues dad for a car?  What if a 10-year-old sues mom for an i-phone?  A decision which favors Rachel over her parents appears to remove power from parents to guide and direct their children’s behavior.  It also removes power from parents to impose consequences on their children’s behavior.

Many emerging adults have been given complete freedom, but are not dealing with the consequences.  Parents step in too often when their children make bad decisions because they cannot handle the child’s pain.  Freedom does not make an individual an adult, autonomy does.  Parents and emerging adults must both value autonomy in order to fully mature.

Autonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and deal with those consequences.  In this case, Rachel is stating that she has the freedom to make her own decisions (and her parents agree), however, she apparently is not willing to live with the consequences of those decisions.  Rachel wants to be able to make her own decisions regardless of the consequences.

Many parents struggle with allowing children to deal with the consequences of poor decisions.  If a child gets a bad grade, then they will call a teacher, or help them do the homework.  If they get a speeding ticket, the parents pay the fees.  Instead of a child learning that poor decisions bring negative consequences, the child expects that their parents to deal with the consequences.

Gardener planting the seedlings to the flower bed.Dealing with the consequences of actions is a concept that is found throughout scripture, and is often referred to the principle of sowing and reaping.  In Galatians 6:6-9, Paul teaches that the individual will reap what they sow, although it might not be according to the world’s timeline, but according to God’s timeline.

I believe that our society should rally to support the rights of parents who make emerging adults deal with the consequences of their actions.  As we give them autonomy (not just freedom), they are ready to face the road ahead.

What are your thoughts?  Did your parents ever set consequences for your decisions?

 

Dad and Mom aren’t the best source for your Marital Advice.

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hand_hands_wedding_It seemed as if the honeymoon would never end.  However, marriage is not as easy as you once thought.  You have discovered that your spouse does have an opinion and they have the audacity to believe you are wrong.  So when the honeymoon bliss turns to marital strife, where do you go for help?

A strong marriage requires a strong support system which can include: parents, friends, relatives, and counselors. In order to survive, many couples need outside support or they will crumble.  Although you need your parents support, asking them for help in times of conflict can become unhealthy rather quickly, and here are the reasons why.

1.  Marriage requires Leaving and Cleaving

Autonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  It is essential for the development of you and your marriage.  As you mature, the relationship with your parents needs to redefined, and you should be making more decisions, and dealing with the consequences.

In a marriage, the couple forms a new unit as they leave and cleave.  Genesis 2:24 states, “For this reason, I man will leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  One emerging adults describes this as, “when you marry your wife, she becomes the most important relationship in your life (other than with God) no matter what.  I feel like going back to your parents to resolve relationship issues in marriage is a dangerous road to go down.”

It is important for new couple to develop their conflict and communication skills.  One recently married emerging adult states, “Families tend to take sides and have strong opinions. We want to work out our true ideas and communication skills.  …going to our parents too often splinters our relationship.”  Involving your parents can also establish an unhealthy pattern for years that will be harder to break.

2.  Marriages need Objective Advice

Many parents are able to give godly counsel.  However, few if any parents are able to provide objective advice when it comes to their children.  One parent explains, “Parents are naturally biased towards their own children.  I don’t know if it’s fair to ask a parent to be objective in a situation that affects their child’s happiness.”

While counseling an EA, he responded, “I hear what you say, but my dad’s advice resonates with me.”  I wanted to laugh, but I was able to refrain.  There is a reason why dad’s advice resonated with him. Advice received from parents matches the values of their marriage and home.  However, a new marriage requires objective counsel that would incorporate the values of both partners in the marriage relationship.

3.  Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Involving your parents can also make a small problem, into a bigger one – involving more people.  Matthew 18:15-17 talks about how we are to seek resolution with the person who offended us.   One emerging adults says, “It’s not hard for me to leave parents out because it’s not their place to be in the middle of my and my fiance’s relationship. That’s just plain unhealthy.”  Involving other people–even parents–can lead to people taking sides and make things messier and more complicated, especially since third parties often have limited information about the conflict.

Another danger of involving parents in your marital conflicts is that your parents will be hurt, but unable to participate in the healing process.  This will cause feelings of hurt, and bitterness towards your spouse, even after you have been reconciled.  One newlywed expresses her protection of her husband by limiting what she shares to her parents.  “After I got married, I need to be protective of our relationship and respectful of him when sharing with others.”

  4.  Look Around

You don’t need to struggle alone.  There are additional sources of encouragement including friends, mentors, counselors, and pastors.  Who has God placed in your life that might be a source of encouragement to you?  Each phase of marriage is different, and God might have brought them into your life in order to help you on your journey.

Getting help requires courage.  I pray that this gives you the courage you need to step out and get help.

What is your E-VAC plan? (For Emerging Adults)

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photo (2)I still remember the day that I had a fight with my parents, and told them I was moving out.  I was serious.  I packed my bags, and set them by the door.  They could not tell me what to do.  If I had to move to do my own thing, then I would.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a car so I couldn’t leave.

I didn’t have a phone, so I couldn’t call a friend.

I didn’t have a job or money, so I couldn’t support myself.

Fortunately, my parents took me back because…

all I had was two grocery bags filled with my favorite toys.

You have been dreaming of the day you move out for the past several years, but have struggled with making that dream a reality.  When day comes for you to leave your home, I hope that you are more prepared than I was.  Do you know what it will take to successfully launch from your parents’ home?

The primary goal for emerging adults is not to simply move out.  It is also not always more healthy or godly for emerging adults to move out.  In Bible times, families often lived under one roof.  It is only among affluent nations in more recent times that the concept of moving out has become so tied with an individual reaching adulthood.

Here are three areas to develop in order to ensure a successful E-VACuation.

1.  Vocation

The childhood question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”   has become central in your mind.  Vocation is the means by which individuals fulfill purpose in their life.  Seek to discover a vocation that gives you purpose and provides a place in the bigger picture of life.  Although you might find great purpose in video games, art, or playing a sport, if it does not provide for your basic needs, you need to continue to seek work that will provide both purpose and provision. 

 

Prepare yourself for the journey ahead.  Are you seeking to discover a vocation?  As an emerging adult, you need to be researching occupations, seeking opportunities for skill development, gaining work experience, and finding occupational role models.  You don’t have to have your dream job to move out (if there is such a thing), but you should be making steps towards discovering a vocation.

2.  Autonomy

It takes more than money in order to be able to move out of your parents’ home.  The second developmental task of adulthood is to establish autonomy.  Autonomy can be defined as the ability to make one’s own decisions and to deal with the consequences.  You must break your dependency upon other humans (usually parents, but it could be anyone) in the decision-making process.  Many emerging adults are overwhelmed by the multitude of decisions that await them as they enter adulthood.

Some parents hinder their children’s autonomy by hovering over their decisions, and protecting them from the consequences of those decisions.  If your parents are hovering, ask them to allow you the freedom to take more responsibility.  It is important that you develop your autonomy by learning to make wise decisions, and not asking your parents to bail you out when you are in trouble.

3.  Community

HandsThe ability to develop a personal community is essential to becoming an adult.  Western culture tends to support independent living, but biblical principles support inter-dependent living.  God created humans for community with Him, and with one another.  As you move out, you will need to develop a new community to help you in the good and bad times.

You need to be equipped with the skills to seek and develop community.  Do you have the ability to walk across the room, and make new friends?  Do you have the ability to provide and receive help from others?  These social skills are essential for moving out, and require practice in order to develop.  Many emerging adults have spent their entire lives in one setting, and do not have experience in making new friends.  Seek out new settings in order to practice your social skills, and build a strong community network.

Your day to move out will come.  Don’t be caught off guard.  Get your E-VAC plan in place so you are prepared.

If you are interested in hosting a seminar for your church or school, on how to develop your own E-VAC plan, please contact Dr. G. David Boyd at gdavid@earesources.org.

The Builder’s Response

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I am sorry that what I am doing is not to your liking. Not everything turned out as you expected. Disappointment is hard.  I never promised that this would be easy.  I know that you may want to change your mind. I cannot make you stay, but please hear me out before you leave.

You need to trust me.

You need to trust who I am.

The One who made the heavens and the earth can surely get you through this bump in the road. The One who designed the human body can surely design a plan for your life.

You need to trust what I can do.

I have promised that what I have begun to do, I will finish. The building going on should not prove my absence but my presence.  I am at work during the good and the bad.  I am near, and I have a new direction for you.

To help you find that direction, I may use circumstances that are not to your liking.  Do not be deceived. This is not the work of others. I may use others, but they are simply My instruments working what I want accomplished.

Life is not stagnant, but can change in the blink of an eye.  I do not need you to bring it to pass. I am at work.  Your meddling, your whining and your complaining will not affect My outcome, but it will ruin your journey.

The last thing for you to do right now is also the hardest.

You need to trust that I love you.

The pain might seem as if I don’t care.  It may seem that I can do something to stop your pain, but won’t.  My love for you has never changed and it never will.

You have lost your focus.  Look at me.  Do not focus on the pain that has embraced you. Do not focus on the storm that rages around you.

While you wait for this storm to cease and your pain to fade,

Come unto Me for you are weary and burdened.  I will give you the rest that you so desperately need.  Take my yoke upon you, so I can help you.  I am gentle and humble in my care for you, and your soul will be revived.  You will discover that sharing the burden with me makes the journey easier, and it no longer holds the power that it once did.

 

In response to The Builder.

The Builder

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A parable that shows how consumerism affects our relationship with God.

I wonder what it will look like when it is completed.  It is fun to dream about, but today I am looking at what it is now – and that isn’t the best.

I feel as if there are too major problems with this deal. Something needs to be done before it is too late.

Luckily, He is still working on it.

I feel as if the rooms are not quite right. I would have placed the family room in the center- the place where we hang out and watch our favorite shows, but the builder must have made a mistake.

I feel as if the walls are all wrong, they are too low. I want them to be higher.  High walls makes me feel safe and gives me a sense of privacy.

He must not understand that I value my privacy.

I feel as if the wood is all wrong.  It is much too rough.  Unfinished wood has brought me many splinters – painful and difficult to remove.

Hasn’t he ever felt the pain from rough wood rubbing on skin?

I feel like the colors are all wrong.  They are much too dark.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many bright spots, but I want the whole house bright.  The dark spaces just have to go.

I feel as if the furnishings are all wrong.  They are much too simple.  The barest of necessities is all that is placed around the room.  It makes me wonder whether the Builder has even considered my personal comfort.

I feel as if the location is wrong.  The weather here is subject to constant change.  I am tired of storms.  All I am asking for is a little sun.  I can’t even begin to explain the neighbors – not the type of people that I want to associate with, let alone having them live beside me.

Plus, the timing is all wrong.  The whole process is taking too long.  My dreams and plans are passing me by while this builder just keeps doing His own thing. He keeps telling me it is going to be great. He keeps telling me to wait and see.  However, I am beginning to doubt.

I am beginning to tire of His future promises. I am afraid that He is taking me for a ride and that in the end, I will be left empty-handed and disappointed.  My friends keep asking why I am sticking around.  As I look around, I become more confused about what He must be thinking.

I will talk to the Builder. If He doesn’t make the changes I demand, I should just walk away.

(For a follow up article, please read The Builder’s Response)

 

You are not the only one (for emerging adults).

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Group of EAIf getting a job is a little harder than you expected…

If the world is changing faster than you can keep up…

If you are connected on-line more, and yet still feel lonely…

If you are surrounded by Mr. Wrongs, and wonder where is that Mr. Right…

If you are still asking what you want to be when you grow up…

If you feel as if you will never obtain the dreams that you once had….

If it seems that you are the only one struggling to get an education…

If you thought your income would get you ahead, but you are only falling behind…

If you desperately need your parents, but feel as if you shouldn’t…

If you want to care for yourself, but still call your mom when washing your clothes,

If you want to make your own decisions, but still need your dad’s advice before buying a car,

If Miss Completely Wrong keeps throwing herself at you, while possible Miss Rights are running away,

If the world looks down upon you, because of your age…

If the church doesn’t understand you, because of your age…

If your parents want you to move out, because of your age…

If you question aspects of your faith, and are wondering where to go for answers.

If you feel you cannot make it through another class, another day, another disappointment…

You are not alone, but normal.

Welcome to normal.  We can help.

 

EA Resources is dedicated to helping Emerging Adults through the trials of emerging adulthood.  We hope that these resources will encourage you on your journey.

Feed Me.

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My two year old comes to me on a regular basis and says, “ungry.”  Tobi is still working on his H’s.  So we head to the kitchen, open the cupboard, and get out a snack for him.  But that is not enough, I also help him into his chair at the table.

 When my nine year old comes to me and says, “Dad, I am hungry.”  I might give him a few boundaries (like no ice cream, or a limit to the amount of fruit roll ups), and he goes happily on his way to the kitchen.

When my sons are twenty-one years old, I can’t imagine them coming to me and saying, “Dad, I’m hungry.”  (although they might at some time!).

As a pastor, people would regularly come to me and say, “We need fed.”  The scenario always reminded me of my two-year old standing in front of me with his mouth open wide.   “Ungry. Ungry. Ungry.”

But instead of my two-year old son, it is people who have been following Jesus for years.

Although I patiently listened and nodded in agreement, I also tried to wake them up to the real problem.  They were no longer babies who needed me to prepare food, open food, and show them what hole to stick it in.  These were no longer baby Christians, but people who have spent most of their lives within the church. In our faith journey, there comes a time when you are responsible to feed yourself.

I Peter 2:2 says, “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.”  Hunger is a natural reaction of being alive.  You know that God is good, and the follower of Christ will naturally desire to grow.

The hunger is good, but sometimes people expect the senior pastor, youth pastor to be their personal spiritual caterer.  We are to prepare a meal for them that will fill their hunger (The preferred meal being a diet of new information misconstrued as “depth.”)  They come each week to church crying, “Ungry, ungry, ungry.”

However, look at what they should be chasing.  1 Peter 2:3,   “As you come to him, the living Stone.”

Peter doesn’t tell them to come to the church.  Peter doesn’t tell them to come to crying to him (They couldn’t in that society).  Peter tells them to go to God – the one who can meet their needs.

Our current obsession with Big Churches and Big Preachers is built upon this concept that church is the place we are fed- the great spiritual feeding trough. 

While, I am not opposed to people being fed at church, we need to examine what should be the source of “food” for those who follow Christ.

We have lost our focus on the proper source of nutrition, and how to get it.

Grow up and feed yourself.