Category Archives: For Churches

Emerging Adult Sues Parents for Child-Support?

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Rachel CanningWhat do your parents owe you?

Rachel Canning, an 18-year-old from New Jersey, believes that her parents owe her a lot.  Rachel is suing her parents for $650 in weekly child support, tuition at Morris Catholic High School ($12,700 a year according to their website), and her legal fees.

Rachel claims that her parents were abusive, and forced her to move out.  Her parents claim that Rachel left because she would not follow house rules including chores and a curfew.  Rachel was living with the family of one of her friends who is also currently paying her legal fees.

State Superior Court Judge Peter Bogaard denied her motion for financial support, but ordered everyone back to court on April 22.  This case will examine the question as to whether her parents are obligated to financially support their daughter.

Laws being made in our country speak to our culture’s expectations of emerging adults to grow up and care for themselves.  Under the Affordable Care Act, an emerging adult can now stay under their parent’s health insurance until 26.  While I am not necessarily opposed to this law, we must understand that laws set expectations, and expectations direct behavior.  This is the reason why Rachel Canning’s lawsuit is important.  This case explores several topics in our society including:  autonomy, the age of adulthood, responsibility of parents/children, and the abilities of parents to direct a household.

In this article, I want to look at the right of parents to impose consequences on their children’s behavior.  Rachel’s parents claim that Rachel broke the rules established in their home, and therefore she had to leave the home.  If she would abide by those rules, then she is free to return (which she recently did return home).

Parents cannot control behavior (although we would like to!), but they should be able to make appropriate consequences for behavior that they deem unhealthy.  Law experts worry that a decision in support of Rachel could lead the way to greater law suits.  What if a 16-year-old sues dad for a car?  What if a 10-year-old sues mom for an i-phone?  A decision which favors Rachel over her parents appears to remove power from parents to guide and direct their children’s behavior.  It also removes power from parents to impose consequences on their children’s behavior.

Many emerging adults have been given complete freedom, but are not dealing with the consequences.  Parents step in too often when their children make bad decisions because they cannot handle the child’s pain.  Freedom does not make an individual an adult, autonomy does.  Parents and emerging adults must both value autonomy in order to fully mature.

Autonomy is the ability of an individual to make their own decisions and deal with those consequences.  In this case, Rachel is stating that she has the freedom to make her own decisions (and her parents agree), however, she apparently is not willing to live with the consequences of those decisions.  Rachel wants to be able to make her own decisions regardless of the consequences.

Many parents struggle with allowing children to deal with the consequences of poor decisions.  If a child gets a bad grade, then they will call a teacher, or help them do the homework.  If they get a speeding ticket, the parents pay the fees.  Instead of a child learning that poor decisions bring negative consequences, the child expects that their parents to deal with the consequences.

Gardener planting the seedlings to the flower bed.Dealing with the consequences of actions is a concept that is found throughout scripture, and is often referred to the principle of sowing and reaping.  In Galatians 6:6-9, Paul teaches that the individual will reap what they sow, although it might not be according to the world’s timeline, but according to God’s timeline.

I believe that our society should rally to support the rights of parents who make emerging adults deal with the consequences of their actions.  As we give them autonomy (not just freedom), they are ready to face the road ahead.

What are your thoughts?  Did your parents ever set consequences for your decisions?

 

Feed Me.

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My two year old comes to me on a regular basis and says, “ungry.”  Tobi is still working on his H’s.  So we head to the kitchen, open the cupboard, and get out a snack for him.  But that is not enough, I also help him into his chair at the table.

 When my nine year old comes to me and says, “Dad, I am hungry.”  I might give him a few boundaries (like no ice cream, or a limit to the amount of fruit roll ups), and he goes happily on his way to the kitchen.

When my sons are twenty-one years old, I can’t imagine them coming to me and saying, “Dad, I’m hungry.”  (although they might at some time!).

As a pastor, people would regularly come to me and say, “We need fed.”  The scenario always reminded me of my two-year old standing in front of me with his mouth open wide.   “Ungry. Ungry. Ungry.”

But instead of my two-year old son, it is people who have been following Jesus for years.

Although I patiently listened and nodded in agreement, I also tried to wake them up to the real problem.  They were no longer babies who needed me to prepare food, open food, and show them what hole to stick it in.  These were no longer baby Christians, but people who have spent most of their lives within the church. In our faith journey, there comes a time when you are responsible to feed yourself.

I Peter 2:2 says, “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.”  Hunger is a natural reaction of being alive.  You know that God is good, and the follower of Christ will naturally desire to grow.

The hunger is good, but sometimes people expect the senior pastor, youth pastor to be their personal spiritual caterer.  We are to prepare a meal for them that will fill their hunger (The preferred meal being a diet of new information misconstrued as “depth.”)  They come each week to church crying, “Ungry, ungry, ungry.”

However, look at what they should be chasing.  1 Peter 2:3,   “As you come to him, the living Stone.”

Peter doesn’t tell them to come to the church.  Peter doesn’t tell them to come to crying to him (They couldn’t in that society).  Peter tells them to go to God – the one who can meet their needs.

Our current obsession with Big Churches and Big Preachers is built upon this concept that church is the place we are fed- the great spiritual feeding trough. 

While, I am not opposed to people being fed at church, we need to examine what should be the source of “food” for those who follow Christ.

We have lost our focus on the proper source of nutrition, and how to get it.

Grow up and feed yourself.

Keys to Finding a Good Church

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church (2)The multiple life transitions of young adulthood make it essential for EAs to find a new community.   Part of a new community for a disciple of Christ is finding a group of Christians who can encourage and support you in your journey. Continue reading →

How to Help those who have Lost a Child.

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Young adult - head on arms

Early adulthood is a time when one gets married, and has children.  Right?  But what happens when the happy couple’s dreams come to a grinding halt.  In the middle of settling into their adult lives, some emerging adults come face to face with one of the hardest situations that they will ever face – the death of a child. Continue reading →

Finding Healing after Losing a Child

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At one time durring Floklife Brenden began inexplicably crying. He wasnt sad, just the liquid.

Early adulthood is a time when one gets married, and has children.  Right?  But what happens when everything that seemed to be moving ahead comes to a grinding halt.  In the middle of settling into their adult lives, some emerging adults come face to face with one of the hardest situations that they will ever face – the death of a child.  Continue reading →

Needing to know, “Why they left their faith?”

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437864_89164372[1]If you believe the statistics, most students who attended church as children leave their faith during the early adulthood years.  Parents whose children turn away from the faith, often wonder why the child who once did everything  at church – youth group, Sunday School, VBS, and even went on a mission trip, could just simply walk away?    Continue reading →

Still Asking, “Who am I?”

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Who am I?

Is this just a question for adolescents as they seek to find a seat in the junior high lunch room?  Or fit in among the various high school peer groups?  Or is it a question asked by emerging adults as they try to set a course for their life?  It is a question that all people ponder at various points in their lives, regardless of age.  I know there are many days when I ask myself that question (and I am way beyond the EA years.)

Asking who we are springs from our human desire for individuality, or to be known (by ourselves and others).  We do not want to be lost in a crowd, but desire to be unique and known.  Identity formation is the process of developing a distinct personality in which characteristics are possessed and by which a person is recognized or known.  Concepts within identity formation include:  vocation, personality, sexuality, community, affiliation, values, and beliefs.  Developing one’s identity provides a sense of continuity, a sense of uniqueness from others, and the ability to seek affiliation.  Identity formation is crucial to maturation and personal well-being.

Identity formation has often been seen as something done during the adolescence and confirmed by early adulthood.  Recently, the concept of identity formation being completed by early adulthood has come under scrutiny.  Although adolescence and emerging adulthood appear to be the lifestages when many crucial decisions are indeed faced, identity formation develops throughout an individual’s lifetime.  Speaking on identify formation, Schweitzer notes,

…identity formation turns out to be a flexible and, most likely, a lifelong process.  As the experience of transitional periods in life has multiplied-with changes of profession, new trainings, second and third marriages, and so forth—the need to rework and to reestablish one’s identity has also become an enduring task never to be quite completed.  (Schweitzer, 2004)

 Identity formation is not a single task, or something that is completed during adolescence, but is something that continues throughout the individual’s life.

In our world, many adults are judged who make changes in later life stages.  They are often accused of having a mid-life crisis, or being shifty, disingenuine, or flaky.  While there are people who experience mid-life crisis, the human ability to adapt at any age is healthy.    The ability to adapt is a survival skill, rather than a weakness.  I know that I am not the same person that I was in high school or college.  Making changes in our lives reflect the continual maturation we do as humans, and the sanctification we experience as Christians.

Did Jesus experience a mid-life crisis?  He changed from Galilean carpenter to Savior of the World.  At all stages of life, Jesus followed the will of His father.

Exploring new directions in life is not a crisis, but could be the leading of God in your life.

Asking who you are is not a reason to panic.  Decide today who you want to be.  Tomorrow that may change, and that is okay.  Through it all, I am “in Christ” which established my purpose and value, and I have surrendered my life to Him.  All the other things in life, I am allowed to change.

Resources:

The Postmodern Life Cycle:  Challanges for Church and Theology by Schweitzer.

How does being “in Christ” help me figure out who I really am?

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fish_schoolAsking who we are flows from our human desire for individuality, or to be known (by ourselves and others).  Nobody wants to be forgotten or lost in a crowd.  Identity formation, is the process of developing a distinct personality in which characteristics are possessed and by which a person is recognized or known.  Concepts included within identity formation includes: vocation, personality, sexuality, community, affiliation, values, and beliefs.  Developing one’s identity provides a sense of continuity, a sense of uniqueness from others, and the ability to seek affiliation.  Identity formation is crucial to maturation and personal well-being.

Sometimes Christian expressions become popularized, over-used, and abused (anyone remember WWJD bracelet fad?).  Although many of them have good origins, they can also lead to undesirable out-comes.  One expression that has been linked to identity formation by Christians is “in Christ.”  The phrase is usually accompanied by a long list of the verses that refer to believers (Search the Web for Identity in Christ Bible Verses – if you want to see such a list.)  The list is meant to remind us of the source of our identity, and can be very helpful for many Christians.

However for me, I lost myself in that list.  I felt that being in Christ meant that anything beyond the list was useless and lacked meaning.  Instead of seeing my identity in Christ as a spring board, it became a cage.

As Christians, we believe that we should be shaped into the image of Christ.  Sometimes, within our churches, we attempt to over-simplify the process of identity formation.  We narrow it down into a single statement such as, “Your identity comes from Christ alone.”  However does Jesus Christ make decisions for them including their vocational choices, personality features, clothing and music preferences?  The concept of being found “in Christ” does not form our identity, but gives us the basis from which these decisions are made.

The concept of being “in Christ” is helpful in that it reminds us that our sense of worth doesn’t come from what we choose to like, to be, to wear, or do for a living.  Our worth comes from the fact that we are God’s Creation and His workmanship.  Ephesians 2:10 says that “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  This verse reveals that our worth and purpose comes from being in Him.

The concept of being “in Christ” does not determine every decision of life.  For example, if I need to decide between becoming a farmer or fireman, Jesus doesn’t tell me the answer.  While Jesus did give us some guidelines by which to live by, there are many choices that are not discussed.

Growing up in a Christian realm, I felt as if I had lost the freedom to choose as part of being “in Christ.”  Few choices were amoral, but were either right or wrong – decided for me by a rigid morality system (my music, vocation, clothing…).  Once I surrendered to Christ, my will was replaced by his will.  I operated under the premise that it was ungodly to think about what I wanted to do, but only about what God wanted me to do.  I never thought about what I wanted to do for a living, but assumed God called me to be a pastor because I was “in Christ.”

Simply put – I was really messed up. 

I had lost the freedom to choose.  I thought I had to give up my freedom in order to follow Christ.  But it wasn’t true.   A concept that was supposed to bring joy and freedom brought me captivity.  There is a need to define the freedom that comes from being “in Christ.”  Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation, and especially freedom to be fully me.

You get to make decisions in life as to who you want to be.  You are never trapped.  You can be what you want.   You still have to choose.

Or better yet – You get to choose!

May your identity “in Christ” be a spring board as you experience freedom with Him.

Recruiting Emerging Adults for Church Leadership.

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This article is written in cooperation with Jeff Marian, Lead Pastor at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Burnsville, MN.  Jeff has a clear passion to involve Emerging Adults at all levels of church leadership.  Jeff does not believe that age should be obstacle for leadership within the church.  Although not EAs, his church currently has two leaders (at the highest level) who are in their 30’s, and they are actively looking for more.

Why did you start recruiting EA’s to lead at your church?

HandsOur church needed transition because our church community was aging.  Mark 2:22 says, “And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost.  New wine calls for new wineskins.”  Our church was in need of new wineskins in order to bring change to our community.

Our church needed to reach EA’s, and didn’t know how.   In order to reach different people, we needed to make some changes.  When we tried to reach EA’s without their input, it felt as if the church was an airplane in the fog without instrumentation.  We saw things only from our limited perspective of those in the room.  EA’s are the eyes, ears, and the heart of the future.  Without them, we were flying blind.  As a church, we decided to stop making assumptions about EAs, and start asking them directly.

How did you see it profit EA’s?

Young leaders lack life experience, but that should not disqualify them from leadership.  Leadership gives them this experience.  Placing them into leadership has exposed them to the wisdom of those who are older.  It has forced the emerging adult’s ideal world to meet the real world.  When their passion and idealism collides with reality, maturation occurs.

Do you see any dangers in having young leadership?

There is always danger in the extremes.  Good church leadership requires a balance of voices, and not just one age group.  Younger leaders are willing to make and lead change.  Those in the second half of their spirituality are able to discern the baby from the bathwater.  A balance of the two helps us protect the church, and keep it healthy and relevant (Jeff referenced the book Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.).

How did you see it profit your community?

EA’s becomes advocates for their generation.  Many times, I don’t understand the issues they are facing.  I am warped as a baby-boomer, and we need them to see the world how they see it.  When I am an advocate for EA’s, it doesn’t carry the same weight as when they speak for themselves.  People in the congregation look at them and see someone who reminds them of their child, or their grandchild.     This invokes a sense of responsibility and hop in older adults to lead well for the future.  When EA’s stand up to lead, they are a living symbol of the future.

EA’s have a passion for Kingdom Work, and their passion spreads.  They want to be involved outside the walls of the church.  Placing them in leadership gives them the visibility to make their passion truly contagious to the entire body of Christ.

EA’s have the influence over the other young leaders.  Not because they force peers to do something, but because of the power of community.

EA’s have grown up knowing that America is not Christendom.  Many in our church still don’t understand that, but they are slowly teaching us how to be a light in a diverse society.

 What obstacles did you face?

Older people want EA’s to speak up and have a voice.  Obstacles only appear when they are given equal or more weight and value than those who are paying the bills.  It is difficult for any generation to look beyond what feeds my generation, and to look ahead to the next.

 How do you go about the process of recruiting EA’s?

Our leadership knew that there was capable young leadership in the congregation.  We just had to identify and recruit them.  Once we identified some leaders, we started personally recruiting them.  This week, I had lunch with an EA, and asked him to step up into leadership.  His father had been in leadership for many years in our community, and I challenged him to follow in his father’s footsteps.  I am praying that he will join our team.

We specifically targeted those under 35 for our church council.  Many EA’s feel as if leadership opportunities are not available to them (link to “Young Need Not Apply”), and we wanted to make a statement that age would not be a factor in leadership selection.  We communicated this vision through printed and spoken word.

As the senior leader, I have to take the chance to ask them  – one on one.  I want them to hear me say, “You are the future.  I want to validate your leadership.  I need you to step into that gap.  How can I work together with you?”

What do you look for in an EA leader? 

While age might not be a requirement, there are other requirements.  All individuals go through the same process to enter into church leadership.  Our community’s requirements include:  serving and leading somewhere else in the body, active engagement maturation, volunteer time, and money to the community, and the respect of their peers.

I believe Jeff has two essential skills that enables him to recruit EAs into leadership – a passionate vision for intergenerational leadership, and the ability to voice that need across the table.

Although I am no longer an emerging adult, I was energized by Jeff’s vision of intergenerational leadership.  I would also readily admit that following this interview, that if there was a day when he sat down across the table from me and asked me to join his team, I would probably say yes.

 

Jeff Marian is the Senior Pastor at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Burnsville, MN.  He is married to Nancy, and together are parenting three emerging adults.