Author Archives: G. David Boyd

The Loss of Rites of Passage in Western Society. Will they be missed?

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Adulthood Ahead SignAdolescents and Emerging adults need to know what is expected of them as they approach adulthood.  They are constantly asking themselves and others, “Are we there yet?”  Just as mile markers along the interstate can monitor your progression towards your destination, so can rites of passage encourage emerging adults by confirming that they are going the right way.

Unfortunately, many of our culture’s rites of passage have been lost or outdated in our fast-paced, changing society.  There is a desperate need for rites of passage to be reinvented and reintroduced within Western culture.  Ronald Grimes declares the current lack of rites of passage to be an urgent global problem:  “The absence of rites of passage leads to a serious breakdown in the process of maturing as a person” (Grimes).  Ronald Grimes, Professor of Religion and Culture at Wilfrid Laurier University says that transitions between life stages, “can be negotiated without the benefit of rites, but in their absence, there is a greater risk of speeding through the dangerous intersections of the human life course.”  As adolescents take steps towards maturity, their steps need to be noticed and celebrated by the community around them.

Rites of passage show the pathway towards adulthood, and can serve as motivators towards adulthood.

Many adolescents are motivated by milestones that require defined work (for example, obtaining a driver’s license or graduating from high school).  Few adolescents complain about practicing driving, or memorizing traffic laws because they know that they will soon receive the legal right to drive and the freedom that comes with it.  Emerging adults need to have definable achievements and freedoms before them that will motivate them to push forward.

While some rites of passage are earned, others happen naturally (the beginning of puberty, or reaching legal drinking age).  These “natural” rites of passages within our society have been minimized, or celebrated in unhealthy ways.    Without adults taking the initiative in these areas, rites of passage have been left to be developed by those experiencing them.  Grimes says, “Initiation in Western society often takes this postmodern, peer-driven form—adolescents initiating adolescents, sometimes compulsively, unconsciously, and violently” (Grimes).  I believe that this problem is illustrated in the movie 21 and Over.  As a young man approaches his 21 birthday, his friends believe it is their moral obligation to give him the experience that our culture requires – one filled with inappropriate and destructive behavior.

Rites of passage signal changes within the life of the adolescent to their community.

“Experiencing a rite of passage allows young people to let go of childlike behavior and to begin taking on adult responsibilities and their accompanying consequences” (Moore).  Rites of passage signal to the individual and the community that they have changed, and are ready for autonomy and responsibility.  The community needs to be aware because their expectations on the individual changes, as well as their role within that community.

HandsRites of passage should be celebrated within a community.

Rites of passage are not important solely for the sake of the individual, but are beneficial to all involved.   I have personally been blessed by playing a role in the rites of passage for individuals.  It is an affirmation to all invited of your impact on the life of the individual.

There is a need for our families and faith communities to reintroduce rites of passage into today’s culture.  What way have you or someone you know used rites of passage with their family?  What way has your church used rites of passage with the community?

Resources

Grimes, Ronald.  Deeply into the Bone.

Moore, Walker.  Rite of passage parenting:  Four essential experiences to equip

your kids for life.

 

Making Friends at College

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Building A Community During the College Years

I still remember my first week of college, and the excitement and fear I felt group of eawalking around campus. The major reason for these emotions was finding a community.  I knew that in order to make the most of my college experience, I would need the security and contentment that comes from establishing a strong social network.  The relationships I made grew me, changed me, and gave me the confidence to thrive in life.  If you are new to campus or still struggling to find your place, here are a few things that helped me.

1.  Take Social Risks

During high school, I started a new school, and was too afraid to take social risks.  I remember standing in the lunch line, and the comfort it gave me. The lunch line represented safety, it gave me the right to talk to anyone.  The sea of faces each lungch period overwhelmed me, and I could not gain the courage to engage with new people.  I would not make this mistake again.

In the rush of unpacking my room and finding my way around campus, I realized my first priority required engaging with others.  I walked up to strangers and asked if I could eat with them, I listened to others, offered comfort , stayed up late, and found my place. In order to be you in college you must risk rejection, and risk rejection, and risk rejection.  In order to establish a community, you must put your heart on the line.

2.  Choose Wisely

The college years are crucial in the formation of our identity.  It is in these years we learn who we are, and who we want to be. We become like those we spend our time with. Proverbs 13:20 states, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” (NIV)  Don’t limit yourself to just one social circle; however, it is important to choose your closest friends wisely.

You should be purposeful. 

Don’t pick your social group based on who you meet first, or who lives near you.  Define the type of friend you are looking for, and search for people with those qualities. If it is your desire to follow Jesus, choose others who do the same. If you want to promote justice, seek out others who have like passions.

Choose others who are willing to sharpen you, who are different than you in good ways.  In your college years learn to be nonjudgmental of others. It is a time to stop judging people for their economic status, outward beauty, race, or clothes. It is a time to seek out others different than you, and to learn from the bests parts of them. It is a time to notice and evaluate your family of origin, and to choose for yourself what to keep the same from your past and what to change. Learn how to live graciously with all of those around you including your noisy roommate, or socially awkward neighbor.

3.  Friendship First

ftflagler-washington-pictures-4376127-h[1]It is important to establish friends first, before you dive headfirst into a first semester love. High school is over, and you will meet many new potential people to date, to fall in love with, and to break up with.  Take your time.  Beginning a relationship early in your college experience will limit your friendship network.   We used to call those couples who spent all of their time together “Velcro Couples” because they just couldn’t seem to be pulled apart.  I encourage you not to be a part of one of these relationships.

It is definitely a time of life to fall in love, but establish yourself first.  In the beginning, put your friends first, and do not sacrifice your friends because you feel as if you have found true love.

College is not just about academics and careers. It is also about building a foundation of social awareness, and learning to establishing well-chosen relationships. It is about learning to take social risks, learning to be nonjudgmental and gracious to others, and learning to balance your valued relationships.

EPSON MFP imageWritten by Rachel Boyd.  Rachel
is the mother of Josiah(9), Andrew(7), and
Tobias(2). They currently reside in MN, but are hoping that God calls them to a warmer climate near the ocean.  She is a graduate of Cedarville
University, and Grand Rapids Theological Seminary where she earned her
MA in Educational Ministries

Ground Rules for Moving Home.

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Seven

 Seven Areas of Negotiation with EA’s before they move Home

Sharing the expectations of both parent and child when moving home again is essential to a healthy relationship.  Here are seven areas of negotiation before making the move.  I call them areas of negotiation because neither side should enter the conversation with a sense of entitlement or a spirit of inflexibility.

 1. Shared Spaces

Moving in together means sharing space – kitchen, bathroom, and storage, and vehicles.

Young adults consume MASSIVE amounts of food.  One mother wrote, “We ran into trouble if we didn’t expect our son to be home for dinner and he showed up, because we may have prepared dinner for three instead of four.”  Does the child have full access to the kitchen and food, or would you rather they not cook and eat the family pack of steak all by themselves?  Do they have a place to store personal items that they want to eat?  One family shared how they expected their EA’s to buy and cook at least one meal a week, in order that they learn the skill of cooking, and prepare them for living alone.

Several areas of potential conflict come up when sharing a bathroom.  One mother writes, “When our son moved back home, he was once again sharing a bathroom with his little brother.  We tried switching off every other week, but found they were more willing to clean ‘assigned’ areas they agreed upon beforehand.”  Make sure you discuss the time that they plan on using it, in order to ensure each person has enough time to get ready and not be late.

Children moving home often bring more “stuff” than they left with (sometimes including pets?).  Is there a place they can store boxes of items they will not use while they are home?  Or do they need to rent an outside storage unit?

2. Private Spaces

What is allowed in the child’s room?  Do you need to see the floor, or can you just assume that it is still there?  Some kids are very neat, while others are not.  One mother writes, “In our situation, our son had WAY too much stuff than would comfortably fit in his room.  The over-crowding plus his tendency to have a messy room became overwhelming for us as parents.  Rather than constantly nag him about it, we just closed his bedroom door so we didn’t have to see the mess.”

3.  Finances

Are you expecting your young adult to pay rent or buy groceries?  Are there other expenses you are expecting them to pay?  These should be arranged before he or she moves home to ensure everyone is in agreement in this regard.  One EA writes,

“my mom had always gone to the store with me and paid for necessities like toothpaste and other random things I may need.  Suddenly that supply cut off and my mom started asking me to help out with buying some groceries.  These things were all fine, but I would have rather had a list or something with everything that was expected. I like to know things ahead of time to prepare.”

I believe that if your emerging adult has a job, then they should be paying rent.   Some parents charge rent, and then save it for their child as a gift when they move back out.  This teaches them the responsibility of budgeting, and conditions them to lower discretionary spending.

 4.  Curfew

While many young people have been used to being on their own and not having a curfew at all, it should be addressed if the parent’s expect their young adult to be home by a certain time.  If the young adult is not going to be home, a courtesy call to the parent’s to inform them of the change of plans is in order.   One EA writes, “All of the sudden my parents cared what time I came home at night. They weren’t asking me to be home by a certain time, but wanted to know I was safe. It just felt weird since I could be out until whenever when I was at college and then when I move home suddenly it matters!”

If there are expectations, then express them.  One EA voiced their frustration, “Although there was no set curfew, my parents would often make “suggestions”. For example, instead of seeing a movie at midnight, it was recommended I “wait to see it early the next day.” I could no longer stay up as long as I wanted without my parents “suggesting” I sleep early.”  The ability of EA’s to be able to set their schedule and values is important (autonomy), and should not be hindered because of moving home.

5.  Friends

You lost the battle over who their friends were in middle school (or maybe third grade), but in this new phase of life, talk about when they can invite friends over.  Some families always make room for the night or at the dinner table while others prefer more privacy.

In today’s world, you must also discuss sleeping arrangements.  You cannot control your EA’s sexual activities, but you can set expectations when they are living in your home.   Although you cannot control them, there is nothing wrong with stating clearly, “Not in our house.”  You have the freedom to set and express the morals you want observed in your home.

 6.  Chores

If an adolescent lived with few expectations to work while at home, they will expect this to continue.  While others who worked all the time while at home, will expect more of the same.   Some chores include:  laundry, dishes, cooking, bathroom, car maintenance, mowing the grass, and snow removal.   I recently talked to one EA who was surprised at how many ‘errands’ her parents asked her to do while living at home.  Simply “helping out around the house” may be enough for some households, while others might want to be very specific.

7.  Departure

All good (and bad) things must come to an end.  So whether the departure ends good or bad, what will it look like?  What time frame will be given for parental “eviction.”  What time frame will you allow for them to find a new place?  What resources will they have available to help with the transition?

Each child and family is different.  You may not need to discuss each of these areas.  Also remember that contracts will also have to be re-negotiated with time.

Overall, remember to focus on the important battles, and pray that you and your home will be a place filled with grace by the power of the Spirit of God.

Written by Dr. G. David Boyd and Kari Peterson.

 

Resources

Mitchell, Barbara.  The Boomerang Age.

An Apology from the Millenials

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The blame game and name calling continues.  Everywhere you turn in the media, you find a major news source either yelling at the “Millenials.”  Time recently put an article on their front page calling them the ME ME ME Generation (future review to come).

They are spoiled, entitled, lazy, and simply a detriment to all of society.  This is why they have issued a public apology to all of us, but particularly to the great “baby boomers.”  (Partially because no one even gives a rip about Generation X – of which I am supposed to be apart).

I believe that this video does a good job at poking fun at both generations, and shows how ridiculous this pattern of blaming other generations has become.  It is hurtful to families, society, and churches.

We suck and we are sorryPlease check it out by clicking on the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4IjTUxZORE&feature=share

Dreaming of the Elusive Empty Nest

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bird-nest-tree-2028508-o[1]When Your Children Come Back to Roost

Emerging adults are not the only ones who are struggling with elusive dreams these days.  Parents who for years dreamed of the “empty nest” are finding their children coming back to roost.  According to the Current Population Survey in 2001, 50.25% of adults (ages 18 to 24) live with parents, and 10.6% of adults (ages 25 to 34) reside with parents.  Continue reading →

A Parent’s Toolbox

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Tobi on floorLife with three boys is certainly an adventure.  Just the other day, Toby (my 2 year old), decided even after several warnings to throw a metal airplane at his big brother.  Shortly afterwards, we had not one, but two boys crying.

I took Toby to the “naughty step” which is a tool that we use to teach the concepts of discipline, obedience, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

However, the naughty step no longer seems to be effective when working with my older boys.  Once so effective, they have become immune to its impact.  In order to get across these same concepts, I have had to find new tools.  If I use the naughty step with them, they become angry and frustrated that I treat them like they are still two.  The conflict is no longer focused on obedience, but upon our under-developed relationship.

tools-toolbox-basement-2028410-h[1]As parents, sometimes we use out-dated tools as we engage with our emerging adults.  We fail to realize that our little babies are no longer babies (illustrated by this powerful commercial).

A new phase of parenting requires a new set of tools.  The purpose of EA Resources is to equip you with the tools that you need in order to help your children enter and succeed in adulthood.

It is important to remember that while your child might still need to work through the same concepts of discipline, obedience, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, you are no longer a controller of the process, but an invited companion of their journey.   Your child establishes both where they are headed, and how they will get there.

What outdated tool are you still attempting to use?  How do you need to develop in your skills as a parent?

How has your parenting tool box changed as your child has become an adult?  What words of wisdom can you leave for others?