Author Archives: G. David Boyd

The Builder’s Response

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I am sorry that what I am doing is not to your liking. Not everything turned out as you expected. Disappointment is hard.  I never promised that this would be easy.  I know that you may want to change your mind. I cannot make you stay, but please hear me out before you leave.

You need to trust me.

You need to trust who I am.

The One who made the heavens and the earth can surely get you through this bump in the road. The One who designed the human body can surely design a plan for your life.

You need to trust what I can do.

I have promised that what I have begun to do, I will finish. The building going on should not prove my absence but my presence.  I am at work during the good and the bad.  I am near, and I have a new direction for you.

To help you find that direction, I may use circumstances that are not to your liking.  Do not be deceived. This is not the work of others. I may use others, but they are simply My instruments working what I want accomplished.

Life is not stagnant, but can change in the blink of an eye.  I do not need you to bring it to pass. I am at work.  Your meddling, your whining and your complaining will not affect My outcome, but it will ruin your journey.

The last thing for you to do right now is also the hardest.

You need to trust that I love you.

The pain might seem as if I don’t care.  It may seem that I can do something to stop your pain, but won’t.  My love for you has never changed and it never will.

You have lost your focus.  Look at me.  Do not focus on the pain that has embraced you. Do not focus on the storm that rages around you.

While you wait for this storm to cease and your pain to fade,

Come unto Me for you are weary and burdened.  I will give you the rest that you so desperately need.  Take my yoke upon you, so I can help you.  I am gentle and humble in my care for you, and your soul will be revived.  You will discover that sharing the burden with me makes the journey easier, and it no longer holds the power that it once did.

 

In response to The Builder.

The Builder

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A parable that shows how consumerism affects our relationship with God.

I wonder what it will look like when it is completed.  It is fun to dream about, but today I am looking at what it is now – and that isn’t the best.

I feel as if there are too major problems with this deal. Something needs to be done before it is too late.

Luckily, He is still working on it.

I feel as if the rooms are not quite right. I would have placed the family room in the center- the place where we hang out and watch our favorite shows, but the builder must have made a mistake.

I feel as if the walls are all wrong, they are too low. I want them to be higher.  High walls makes me feel safe and gives me a sense of privacy.

He must not understand that I value my privacy.

I feel as if the wood is all wrong.  It is much too rough.  Unfinished wood has brought me many splinters – painful and difficult to remove.

Hasn’t he ever felt the pain from rough wood rubbing on skin?

I feel like the colors are all wrong.  They are much too dark.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many bright spots, but I want the whole house bright.  The dark spaces just have to go.

I feel as if the furnishings are all wrong.  They are much too simple.  The barest of necessities is all that is placed around the room.  It makes me wonder whether the Builder has even considered my personal comfort.

I feel as if the location is wrong.  The weather here is subject to constant change.  I am tired of storms.  All I am asking for is a little sun.  I can’t even begin to explain the neighbors – not the type of people that I want to associate with, let alone having them live beside me.

Plus, the timing is all wrong.  The whole process is taking too long.  My dreams and plans are passing me by while this builder just keeps doing His own thing. He keeps telling me it is going to be great. He keeps telling me to wait and see.  However, I am beginning to doubt.

I am beginning to tire of His future promises. I am afraid that He is taking me for a ride and that in the end, I will be left empty-handed and disappointed.  My friends keep asking why I am sticking around.  As I look around, I become more confused about what He must be thinking.

I will talk to the Builder. If He doesn’t make the changes I demand, I should just walk away.

(For a follow up article, please read The Builder’s Response)

 

You are not the only one (for parents).

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Blank Road SignIf you feel as if nobody else’s children have problems…

If you wanted an empty nest, but have only gotten an empty wallet…

If you feel as if your kids will not pass history, let alone graduate…

If you feel as if you pray, and pray, and pray, and see no change …

If you are ready for your children to move out…

If you feel judgment walking through the church doors because of where your children are today,

If you struggle with guilt over your past decisions as a parent…

If you want your children to move back in…

If you are uncertain about your own financial security, let alone your kids…

If you feel as if you might be enabling your child instead of helping them…

Senior couple and their dautherIf you thought parenting ended at 18, but it now seems harder than ever…

If your child is the one who is jobless, but you are the one with no money…

If your child seems stuck, but you are the one in pain…

If you question aspects of your faith, and wonder where to go for answers…

If you get your sense of worth from how your children turned out…

If you lay awake at night wondering if they will be okay…

Or coming home…

Or ever moving out…

You are not alone, but normal.  Welcome to normal.  We can help.

EA Resources is dedicated to helping the parents of Emerging Adults.  We hope that these resources will encourage you on your journey.

You are not the only one (for emerging adults).

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Group of EAIf getting a job is a little harder than you expected…

If the world is changing faster than you can keep up…

If you are connected on-line more, and yet still feel lonely…

If you are surrounded by Mr. Wrongs, and wonder where is that Mr. Right…

If you are still asking what you want to be when you grow up…

If you feel as if you will never obtain the dreams that you once had….

If it seems that you are the only one struggling to get an education…

If you thought your income would get you ahead, but you are only falling behind…

If you desperately need your parents, but feel as if you shouldn’t…

If you want to care for yourself, but still call your mom when washing your clothes,

If you want to make your own decisions, but still need your dad’s advice before buying a car,

If Miss Completely Wrong keeps throwing herself at you, while possible Miss Rights are running away,

If the world looks down upon you, because of your age…

If the church doesn’t understand you, because of your age…

If your parents want you to move out, because of your age…

If you question aspects of your faith, and are wondering where to go for answers.

If you feel you cannot make it through another class, another day, another disappointment…

You are not alone, but normal.

Welcome to normal.  We can help.

 

EA Resources is dedicated to helping Emerging Adults through the trials of emerging adulthood.  We hope that these resources will encourage you on your journey.

Feed Me.

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My two year old comes to me on a regular basis and says, “ungry.”  Tobi is still working on his H’s.  So we head to the kitchen, open the cupboard, and get out a snack for him.  But that is not enough, I also help him into his chair at the table.

 When my nine year old comes to me and says, “Dad, I am hungry.”  I might give him a few boundaries (like no ice cream, or a limit to the amount of fruit roll ups), and he goes happily on his way to the kitchen.

When my sons are twenty-one years old, I can’t imagine them coming to me and saying, “Dad, I’m hungry.”  (although they might at some time!).

As a pastor, people would regularly come to me and say, “We need fed.”  The scenario always reminded me of my two-year old standing in front of me with his mouth open wide.   “Ungry. Ungry. Ungry.”

But instead of my two-year old son, it is people who have been following Jesus for years.

Although I patiently listened and nodded in agreement, I also tried to wake them up to the real problem.  They were no longer babies who needed me to prepare food, open food, and show them what hole to stick it in.  These were no longer baby Christians, but people who have spent most of their lives within the church. In our faith journey, there comes a time when you are responsible to feed yourself.

I Peter 2:2 says, “Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.”  Hunger is a natural reaction of being alive.  You know that God is good, and the follower of Christ will naturally desire to grow.

The hunger is good, but sometimes people expect the senior pastor, youth pastor to be their personal spiritual caterer.  We are to prepare a meal for them that will fill their hunger (The preferred meal being a diet of new information misconstrued as “depth.”)  They come each week to church crying, “Ungry, ungry, ungry.”

However, look at what they should be chasing.  1 Peter 2:3,   “As you come to him, the living Stone.”

Peter doesn’t tell them to come to the church.  Peter doesn’t tell them to come to crying to him (They couldn’t in that society).  Peter tells them to go to God – the one who can meet their needs.

Our current obsession with Big Churches and Big Preachers is built upon this concept that church is the place we are fed- the great spiritual feeding trough. 

While, I am not opposed to people being fed at church, we need to examine what should be the source of “food” for those who follow Christ.

We have lost our focus on the proper source of nutrition, and how to get it.

Grow up and feed yourself.

Keys to Finding a Good Church

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church (2)The multiple life transitions of young adulthood make it essential for EAs to find a new community.   Part of a new community for a disciple of Christ is finding a group of Christians who can encourage and support you in your journey. Continue reading →

Hamline professor’s post on student loan debt goes viral.

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The cost of education has sky-rocketed, and students are often left with debt that will follow them the rest of their lives.  Here is one teacher who is speaking out against the debt load of students.  Apparently people agree, because the picture went viral.  Here is an article on it.

The Bible warns Christians about the power and problems of financial debt.  Talk to your children about debt, and make wise decisions about what type of education you can afford.

I will know that I am healing…

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Sandy road\'s and old stairways in black and white.I am still hurting.  When the pain fades, then I will know I am healing.

I am still grieving.  When I see the future, then I will know I am healing.

I am still drifting.  When my anchor hits the Rock, then I will know that I am healing.

I am still unable to trust others.  When I reach out, then I will know that I am healing.

I am still running.  When the running stops, then I will know I am healing.

I am still disillusioned.  When the fog clears, then I will know that I am healing.

I am still vengeful.  When retribution is surrendered, then I will know that I am healing.

I am still weakened.  When my strength is irrelevant, then I will know that I am healing.

I am still timid.  When courage revives, then I will know that I am healing.

I am still angry.  When hatred is overwhelmed by forgiveness, then I will know that I am healing.

I know that I am healing because healing is a process with an end.   What seems impossible to us is not with Him at our side.  He is the great Healer, and He awaits me at the conclusion of this journey.

May you continue in your healing – this too will pass.

Missing Beckham – A Father’s Story of Loss and Healing

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Losing a child is the single most difficult emotional, spiritual, and physical journey of my life.  In the immediate days and week following the stillbirth of Beckham, I felt the extreme emotions of anguish and peace, despair and hope, love and hate, doubt and trust.  The pendulum of emotions feels like being stuck in the ocean’s rough surf.  You’re struggling to catch your next breath and to clear your stinging eyes before the next wave forces you under.

I found it difficult to be alone (at times feeling as if I would suffocate).  I could not focus on work (I had to take an extended break).  I tried to distract myself with entertainment, but that only brought short-lived relief.  I wanted to disengage from the rhythms of life (friends, church, work, etc.) but forced myself to reengage.  My entire being was consumed by my burden of grief.

My grief came from being unable to raise my son.  I will never get to change his diapers, see him take his first steps, hear him speak his first words, watch him graduate from school, get married, have kids, or tell him about Jesus and how much God loves him.

I will remember Beckham every day of my life for the rest of my life.  I will always think about what he would be doing if he were here with us.  I will get through my grief, but I will never get over my son.  Some have compared it to having a limb of your body amputated…although you heal, you are never the same again.

Our community surrounded us with love during our time of loss.   Helping with the practical needs of the family like food, house-cleaning, and childcare allowed us time to grieve.  My sister gave us a beautiful evergreen scented candle.  This gift led us to plant an evergreen tree in our backyard to celebrate his due date.

During this time, I read Is God to Blame?  by Greg Boyd.  He writes that the death of a child is a “mystery about creation and not a mystery about God’s character.”  In other words, don’t blame God and let go of the WHY question.  You don’t have to confuse the hurt with the Healer.  He loves you, loves your child, and knows what you’re feeling.  Things won’t always go the way that we think they should, but it is true that God will be there with us every step of the way. Trust in God’s goodness and remember that the Day is coming when all things will be made new.

Sensing God’s gracious touches at every point in my grief helped me in my journey.  I have felt God’s presence at every step.  He hears every note of my lament and graciously met my pain in ways that heal me.

On December 26, 2011 at 4 AM, as I stood sobbing in the ER, I realized the truth that God knows what it is like to lose a Son.  I spoke it out loud as I stood huddled in the arms of the hospital chaplain.  I say it again in the moments when I feel the darkness overwhelming me.  For the darkness cannot overcome the truth of the light (John 1:6).

I will get through the experience of grief, but I will never get over my son!  I will think of him EVERYDAY of my life till I get to meet him in heaven.  The theme of my second year since Beckham’s stillbirth has been to ARISE.  I sense God showing me that I can arise from my grief and dare to hope that life will be beautiful again.

In my journey, a year was just the beginning.  In order to fully embrace the grief process, you must be patient with yourself.  Only you know how long and in what ways you need to grieve to heal and find that new normal.

For those of you who are in the midst of your own journey.  Please know that you will heal.  And although you won’t be the same person, you will find a new normal.  Keep your head up as much as possible, for even in the midst of pain there are moments of hope, comfort, peace.

Written by Bret Deneson and Dr. G. David Boyd