Genesis 2:24 says, For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Marriage is the process where two become one, but this doesn’t magically happen with the words, “I do.”
Author Archives: G. David Boyd
The Purpose of Engagement
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He buys the ring. He asks her parents for permission. He gets down on one knee. He asks the question. But what does it really change? What is the purpose of engagement?
A betrothal (or engagement) period has been around for many centuries, and is well documented during the time of the Old and New Testament. In Matthew 1:18-21, we are told that Joseph and Mary were betrothed. Betrothal was, “a binding contract established between two families and sealed by the exchange of gifts. During this period the couple did not live together; sexual relations with each other at this stage was regarded as equivalent to adultery.” (Reference) A betrothal was so sacred that unfaithfulness during this period was punishable by death.
Engagement is a vital step for the health of a life-long relationship. So if you think a ring is in your future, here are the four purposes for the engagement period.
1. Prepare our communities.
Engagement is a time when the couple’s community is alerted to the couple’s commitment. One emerging adults said, “The purpose of engagement in my mind is a formal declaration of intent.” It is the formal act whereby a couple announces to parents, relatives, and friends that they are taking active steps towards marriage.
Weddings were never meant to be a private affair, but something to be supported by an entire community. Community support for the wedding is important because marriages are not lived out in isolation, but always exist within the framework of community. As Western society breaks down community in favor of an individualistic lifestyle, our perspective of marriage has been twisted into a private matter lived out within the confines of our suburban home guarded by the fences between us. We must begin realize that a marriage is strengthen by strong public ties to others.
2. Prepare for life together
Engagement is a time when you begin to make preparations to live together. As a couple, you begin how to make decisions together, learning how to compromise, and to resolve conflict. Questions that you need to answer include:
- Where will we live?
- Will we have money?
- What will we eat?
- What will we drive?
However, your questions must go deeper than the practical everyday decisions. Your preparation must include preparing yourself emotional, mentally, and physically for a healthy marriage. One emerging adult said, “There are certain parts of you (deep spiritual and emotional things) that aren’t necessarily healthy to share with someone who you are just dating, no matter how long. Engagement is a great period of transition, where for the first time, there is a promise of forever attached to a relationship, which allows you to move towards each other spiritually and emotionally.” I believe that there are not just physical boundaries that couples should observe, but emotional and spiritual boundaries that should not be crossed until marriage. (For more on this, see Premature Intimacy.)
Faced with such decisions, not all engagement periods are easy, and many couples find themselves in need for a third reason for engagement – counseling.
3. Premarital Counseling
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One EA says that premarital counseling, “pushed us to discuss the harder topics.” Dating and engaged couples often stay away from problem topics either to keep everyone happy, or because they are unaware of relational landmines surrounding them. Premarital counseling will examine issues in your relationship including: communication, conflict, finances, marital roles, and past family dynamics.
Although you may feel overwhelmed preparing for the ceremony, good pre-marriage counseling is worth every minute. (Many states give a discount on the marriage license to couples who spend time in premarital counseling.) Notice that I included the word “good.” Be selective about who you choose to do your counseling. The main factors for choosing a counselor should be: relational (Do they understand people?), comfortable (Do I feel as if I can be authentic?), experienced (Do they any experience working with marriage?), availability (Will they care about me and my partner?), and location (Are they too far away?).
4. Plan the Wedding
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
The last reason for the engagement period is to plan the wedding. While it is the most obvious, it is not the most important. No one will remember the décor or food at your wedding; so don’t let these details keep you from enjoying the other aspects of your engagement. It is hard work to plan a wedding, but many families cave to societal pressures, and make it harder than it needs to be.
As you approach engagement, please know that the process of becoming one may be difficult. One EA says, “Engagement has proven for both of us to be the time that we’ve both experienced our greatest doubts and also our greatest joys with one another. However, there’s a new level of safety in the fact that we’re both on the same page preparing to commit to one another that has allowed for deeper honesty (even in the hard truths and confrontations) and has resulted in a greater spiritual and emotional connection.”
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Managing Director of EA Resources. He is supported by a group of emerging adults who speak into his articles in order to help others. If you are interested in joining his team of contributors, you can contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.
Shaping the Journey of Emerging Adults
During my seminary years, I took a class on discipleship. I enjoyed our teacher. I enjoyed the class. I did not enjoy the final class project. We were supposed to design an image and curriculum that conveyed our plan of discipleship.
I hated it. Going through the hoops, I sketched out some baseball diamond shape, but I would never have used it (partially because I cannot imagine celebrating “second base” with a disciple). As modernism invaded our seminaries, students and professors planned and objectified everything about the faith – including disciple-making.
Discipleship cannot be summed up in a curriculum, or Jesus could have simply written a textbook.
Shaping the Journey of Emerging Adults: Life-Giving Rhythms for Spiritual Transformation by Richard Dunn and Jana Sundene was published by Intervarsity in 2012. This book steps towards removing the modernistic perspective by inspiring the church to build intergenerational relationships for the cause of the Kingdom. Along with the authors, I believe, “Fully mature spiritual adulthood cannot be reached without intentional relationships that invest Christ’s grace, truth, and love into the young adult’s life.” (Dunn, 16)
I appreciate their understanding of the challenges facing emerging adults (who are currently Millennials) without bashing them. They state,
A caring disciple maker does not soothe the unpleasant aspects of this stage away. Instead, they value this God-given time of life as a way for the young adult to become more attuned to the work of becoming like Christ. (Dunn, 40)
The authors’ understand that, “Among today’s emerging adults, often there are less consistent markers, making ‘reaching adulthood’ more confusing.” (Dunn and Sundene, 40) Marking the road to adulthood by developmental markers (rather than traditional markers like marriage, children, buying a home, or having a job) helps emerging adults continue to mature. I believe there are three main developmental markers for emerging adults: Discovering Vocation, Establishing Autonomy, and Developing Community.
The book presents three “Life-giving Rhythms” for Spiritual Transformation. I appreciate the imagery provided by the phrase “life-giving” because sometimes our spiritual development appears to drain the life out of us rather than give us the life that Jesus speaks about in John 10:10. Their three rhythms are:
1. Discernment
“Disciplemaking relationships can take multiple forms, varying in style and approach according to the personalities involved.” (Dunn and Sundene, 65) Listening to the voice of God on the behalf of another requires discernment. A disciple-maker’s desire is not simply for us to examine their lives and see what we want changed, but to listen to them and discern what God is doing.
2. Intentionality
Spiritual depth in relationships rarely happens naturally, but requires intentionality. “Intentionality produces positive spiritual tension.” (Dunn and Sundene, 91) Disciple-making is filled with “awkward” moments that are not to be avoided, but cherished.
3. Reflection
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2014. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
I appreciate their emphasis upon the importance of reflection for both emerging adults, and those working with them. Emerging adults are too focused on surviving the present, and forget to savor the past. It is important for all Christians to reflect on God’s work and faithfulness in the past in order to hold to faith in the present.
These three aspects frame their practical applications, and are helpful for those seeking to impact others. What a great gift to the church in order to help us move towards a new era of disciple-making.
The “life-giving rhythms” of spiritual transformation should not be practiced only by older adults, but both sides of intergenerational relationships give and receive. This is what makes the body of Christ not dependent on one another, but interdependent as God designed us to be.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to churches and parents of emerging adults.
Beyond Mentoring – A Call for Symbiotic Relationships
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2015. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Mentoring is a hot topic these days within the church. Many people say they want to find a mentor, however, few actually do the work (or find the courage) to acquire one. Sharon Parks writes, “Restoring mentoring as a cultural force could significantly revitalize our institutions and provide the intergenerational glue to address some of our deepest and most pervasive concerns.” (Parks 2000, 12) This quote acknowledges that our deepest concerns about our society and the church cannot be solved by one sector of society, but will require a unified vision of all generations.
Many young adults seek after mentors within their vocational fields in order to build their knowledge, contacts, and other resources. Emerging adults are taught to seek after mentors in order to advance. This perspective of mentoring further defines mentoring as a relationship where one gives to another. One partner of the relationship is a gatekeeper to money, fame, experience, or advancement.
Mentoring is defined as “someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person.” (Merriam-Webster, Online). This definition clearly expresses a unidirectional relationship where one gives, and the other receives. However, anyone who has spent significant time with a person from another generation knows that both individuals give, and both individuals receive. Healthy human relationships are omnidirectional where giving and receiving moves in both directions.
As Millennials come of age, a new perspective of mentorship has emerged, one which is changing our understanding and praxis of mentorship. Kinnamen states, “Are you open to “reverse” mentoring, wherein you allow younger leaders to challenge your faith and renew the church?” (Kinnamen, 205) Setran and Kiesling in their excellent book Spiritual Formation in Emerging Adulthood say, “…guidance still desperately needed but it is a guidance that is dialogical and mutual rather than unidirectional mentoring (Setran, 206). We must acknowledge the interdependence of human relationships among generations. While many resort to the word mentoring, the concept has changed and requires us to go beyond.
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Scientists use the term symbiosis to describe relationships that exist for the mutual benefit of each individual. One example of a symbiotic relationship is the Goby Fish and Snapping Shrimp. The near-blind shrimp relies on the eyes of the Goby fish while constructs and maintains borrows on the ocean floor. With one flap of his tail, the fish communicates to his partner that danger is present. Another example is the African Oxpecker’s relationship with various large African animals. Larger animals are cleared of ticks by the Oxpecker who live off the ticks (and according to more recent findings, the blood of their host as well). Symbiosis illustrates the interdependence relationships that God designed humans to develop. (Here is a scientific article on the topic.)
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We were designed by God to be in relationships with others. Interdependent relationships cause growth and maturity. Interdependent relationships supply love and encouragement. Interdependent relationships provide personal significance (“My life matters to another person.”)
The time has come when we are called to go beyond mentoring. We must seek relationships in which we give and receive. We must move from independence into interdependence. We must call others to do the same.
References:
- Spiritual Formation in Emerging Adulthood by Setran and Kiesling
- You Lost Me by David Kinnamen
- Big Questions, Worthy Dreams by Sharon Parks
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to parents and churches as they seek to help emerging adults.
This Millennial Paid Off $23,375 in Student Loans in Just 10 Months
I found a great article to encourage those who are facing student debt. The average debt load is $29,400 for those who are graduating from college. This amount of debt may seem staggering, but it can be conquered.
Some highlights from the article that we can all learn:
1. Debt reduction became a priority. This student took on a second job in order to help pay down his debt. What steps can you take?
2. Picture it. Imagine the day you pay off your loans. How will it make you feel? I graduated from Seminary with $27k in loans, and I still remember the day when my wife and I paid them off.
3. Take time to celebrate. What are you going to do in order to celebrate your debt retirement?
Church, Make Room for Young Leaders
Earlier this week, I wrote about the 5 “Disastrous” Results of Inviting Emerging Adults into Leadership. I came across an article this week that I wanted to share with you concerning making room for Emerging Adults within the leadership structure of the church.
Here are a few points that I would like to make:
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1. If you do not “make room” for young leaders, then they will not feel welcome. Through the years, most young adults know that when it comes to church leadership that the “Young Need NOT Apply.” We must be proactive in making room into our leadership structures and inviting them to join us.
2. We must fight ageism within the Church. In the author’s words, “Don’t expect the worst of fellow believers, regardless of their age. Let the gospel go to work on your subtle age-prejudice.” People from all generations must stop bashing others, and seek to build bridges.
3. Good leadership knows how to release power to others. Unfortunately, the power of leadership is drawing, and causes many to clutch it for too long (I am hearing the words of Gollum – My Precious). Larry Osborne has a great quote,
The seniors never graduate (at least not until they’ve become literal seniors and start dying off). They hog the leadership table, shutting out the next generation. It’s one of the main reasons that most churches stop growing and lose their evangelistic touch (and cultural relevance) around the twenty-year mark.
Enjoy the article by David Mathis the executive editor at desiringGod.org.
Five “Disastrous” Results of Inviting Emerging Adults into Leadership.
Although some people believe that mixing generations in leadership can cause the same results as mixing Mentos and carbonated drinks, I believe in young leadership. I actually believe that the church needs Millennials in order to be healthy. That doesn’t mean change will be easy. Here are some results to expect as you invite emerging adults into leadership.
1. Questions will be asked.
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As you invite emerging adults into leadership, be ready to answer questions. Asking questions is key to a healthy community, while authority that stifles questions and criticism is quickly headed towards disaster. God-ordained leadership can face questions without feeling threatened. Hierarchy is so often ingrained into our communities, that we learn to not question authority or the systems that elected them. As we invite emerging adults to speak, they will need to ask questions to provide understanding, and at other times to evaluate decisions.
2. Elephants will be acknowledged.
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Many organizations have an elephant (or two) in the room that no one is willing to talk about. Young leadership will gladly point them out – either because they don’t understand them, or because they can see how unhealthy these huge burdens have become for the group. Unfortunately, most of these elephants have protectors in the room. When established leadership chooses to ignore problems within our communities (because they are too painful), emerging adults will want to revisit them.
3. Reality Checks will be given.
We all need a dose of reality from time to time. Emerging adults are often idealistic, and do not realize how difficult it can be to bring change to individuals and an organization. In spite of their idealism, other generations can learn from those who understand how our world is changing, and how the church sits on the precipice of irrelevancy. A healthy spoonful of reality is needed by both sides. Inter-generational leadership is a medicine that will grow and strengthen the church.
4. Assumptions will be challenged.
Whether due to being raised in a postmodern society, a digital world, or because they want to see change, EA’s will challenge assumptions – no matter how old. A community’s leadership is often blinded to their own assumptions. A new leader will see what is being assumed by the leadership structure, and how these old assumptions are obstacles to growth and healthy change.
5. Growth we result.
As you place emerging adults on your team, their leadership skills will improve. However, growth should not be associated simply with youth. Diversity creates a dynamic working environment that will cause everyone involved to grow. This growth process is characterized by moments of pain and pleasure.
Inviting younger leadership to the table would require something from everyone.
It is risky.
It requires humility.
It requires work.
It requires courage.
Maybe these are the reasons why Emerging Adults get shut out.
In the end, we will discover that the results of working with emerging adults are not disastrous at all. Rather, we will discover that they are exactly what the Church needs.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources. If he can help your church create avenues to minister to emerging adults, you can contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.
Your Job Isn’t the Problem.
Another recent article by CBS suggests that Millennials are too spoiled for the workplace. I don’t believe in generation bashing. It is unhealthy for society and the Church.
Anyone (regardless of age) can struggle with their current job for multiple reasons including stress, co-workers, or tasks. A proper view of work and vocation is essential to keeping a positive attitude towards where God has currently placed you.
A proper view of vocation is also essential to a biblical view of adulthood.
If you are currently struggling with your current work, take a moment to read these links and ask God to give you a proper perspective towards what He has called you to do.
Move over Babyboomers – You are no Longer on Top.
It is official! The reign of the Babyboomers as America’s largest living generation is coming to an end. The population of the Millennials is currently 75 million, but is expected to increase due to immigration.
Alas for those of us given the title “Gen X”! We will not overcome the Babyboomers until 2028, and like most “middle children” we will never be the center of attention.
Here are a few points from the article.
- Baby Boomers have always had an outsized presence compared with other generations. They were the largest generation and peaked at 78.8 million in 1999.
- The Census Bureau projects that the Millennial population was 74.8 million in 2014. By 2015 Millennials will increase in size to 75.3 million and become the biggest group.
Here is a the article.
With the “reign” of the Babyboomers coming to an end, what does this mean for the Church? I believe that churches already feel the shifts that are coming with this new generation, but are unsure how to respond. If your community wants to understand and minister to the needs of Millennials, maybe we can help.
Dr. G. David Boyd is a member of Gen X – the middle child of generations who was destined to be overlooked by big brother Babyboomers, and little brother Millennials. In spite of feeling neglected, he loves both generations, and believes the church needs representation from each of them in order to healthy.
Financial Literacy: Why College Is Not The Time To Blow It Off
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Your college years generally set the tone for your entire adult life. During this period, the choices you make can either lead to lifelong stability or long years of financial insecurity. By following well-established principles, you can prove yourself an excellent steward of the resources you have been blessed with. While learning the basics of financial literacy is doable for just about anyone, this topic can seem like a tough nut to crack for the uninitiated.
Whether they are enrolled in college or entering adult life and considering their options, millennials enjoy many opportunities to take on debt. Well-intentioned or not, an enormous number of lenders present young adults with various forms of credit. Whether they have graduated or not, millions of young adults leave college life with significant debt levels. Depending on your level of financial literacy throughout this period, accepting lines of credit can cause you to sink or swim in life.
Unfortunately, far too many people are entering their adult lives with little understanding of finances. A 2012 report from the SEC found that the average Wall Street investor don’t understand basic concepts like compound interest and inflation. If this class of people needs to “hit the books” and develop financial literacy, how much more does the average college student need to take responsibility of their own finances?
Despite the unique challenges millennials face, members of this generation can access financial tools that were not available to their parents. Many resources, including personal finance software, calculators, budgeting apps, financial blogs and others offer insight, direction, tips and financial education that helps set you on a path to being financially responsible.
The TopTenReviews College Student Guide explores exactly how financial software can help students live within their means. It enables you to have a full, clear accounting of how you spend. You might be bleeding money in ways that are genuinely surprising. Once you know your problem areas, you can focus on how to improve them and be more efficient at how you spend your money each month.
Some might feel that saving is as simple as it is important, for others it is a difficult concept to keep. When we are prepared, we will not fear. As Joseph in Egypt clearly showed, saving is the cornerstone of wise living. What would have happened to Egypt if Joseph did not save? Even if it feels almost as hard as wringing water from a rock, it is important to set aside a percentage of your monthly income for emergencies. Find the method of saving that will work best for you. Maintaining the right kind of savings habit might cost you a little pain now; however forgetting to save can cost you a world of heartache when you are faced with an unforeseen crisis and a shortage of funds. With the many resources and tools available today, there is plenty of help and guidance to help you improve your understanding and your situation before it gets out of control.
Lessons in financial literacy can hit home powerfully when learned from others who share your Christian ideals and values. Get to know trusted mentors who have faced similar challenges and blazed their own trails towards peace and security. Learn how to be financially responsible and self-sufficient during your college years, and don’t put it off. With God’s help, you’ll discover that becoming financially literate is more than a chore; it is a journey of empowerment and self-discovery.
Jesse Woodhouse is a Team Lead at TopTenReviews. He is a proud husband and father and loves sports, music and the outdoors.