Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2014. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
One of the first obstacles to overcome when a community desires to minister to emerging adults is the question of leadership. As already overwhelmed staff and volunteers exchanged fearful glances around the table, this question of responsibility often keeps church communities from moving ahead. Continue reading
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Can an engagement be too short?
Absolutely.
Can an engagement be too long?
Absolutely.
Unfortunately for my wife, I didn’t really put too much thought into the length of our engagement. We had discussed marriage, and although a winter wedding seemed practical to me, Rachel had other plans. After a time of reflection (or let’s call it – enlightenment), I realized that in order to have Rachel’s fall wedding, I had to immediately propose. Luckily, I already had purchased a ring and asked for her parent’s approval.
While an engagement can be too short (or too long), the length is not as important as what you do during that time. As a couple, you must discuss what is right for you. So if you are planning an engagement period, here are some positives and negatives for either a long or short engagement period.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Limited Time to Process – Marriage introduces a ton of change into the lives of the couple, and these changes take time to process. While less time might be a blessing for doubters or those who struggle with anxiety, a short engagement can cause others to neglect thinking through the commitment that they are making. (Read more on the Purpose of Engagement)
Limited Time to Plan – Becoming one requires a lot of work by the bride and the groom. If both partners are working full-time, the extra workload of fulfilling the extra responsibilities during engagement will be extremely stressful. Even the simplest of weddings requires many hours of preparation.
Limited Period of Sexual Tension – While I believe it is best for a couple to remain abstinent before the wedding, the engagement period is a time when emotional, spiritual, and sexual boundaries in the relationship need to change. As a couple become more physically involved, their bodies will naturally lead them towards sexual fulfillment. A short engagement helps the couple maintain their boundaries. (Read more about the relational changes during engagement, Engagement is Awkward.)
While there is a lot of work to accomplish during this period, one emerging adult said, “If you keep a short engagement Christ-centered and smart, it can be wonderful.”
Time to Process and Plan – A long engagement allows the couple to fully explore their relationship and the commitment they are making. The couple is not focused entirely on the day-to-day or the looming ceremony, but they are also able to think through their decisions and discuss the changes they are experiencing.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Time to discuss tough issues – Engagement periods can be a time when the couple is faced for the first time with conflict when their values clash as they are forced to make decisions together. Sometimes couple who rush through their engagement will bury problems until later because they know there is not time to fix the problem.
More Living Expenses – Unless one or both of the couple are living at home, living separately can often be a financial burden to the couple. Emerging adulthood can be an expensive phase of life with little income, and so it is wise to save whenever possible. I wouldn’t necessarily move up your wedding, but you might want to live with family or friends until the big day comes rather than pay rent at two places.
Difficult to maintain physical boundaries – One EA states, “Some of the long engagements I have seen have been so hard on the couple – specifically the struggle with sexual sin as the months pass.” Even for couples who maintained clear boundaries while dating find it difficult to remain sexually pure once a promise is made. A long engagement will require them to regularly discuss their physical boundaries, and the sexual tension between them.
There is no right or wrong answers, but each couple must decide based upon:
Whether long or short, your engagement can be all that you dreamed as you both seek God and follow His leading.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to provide resources to Emerging Adults, and those who love them.
EA Resources is hosting a contest to give away a free pair of Skullcandy Hesh 2 Headphones (Black or White). 
Rules:
1. This contest is off-limits to direct family of David and Rachel Boyd (Sorry, Aunt Leza! You are our FAVORITE supporter!)
2. If you have any questions, please let me know.
3. Contest will end on April 22.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Last month, I shared how the church needs to think beyond mentoring to engage emerging adults. Mentoring often gives the impression of an omnidirectional relationship where one person gives and one receives. Our economic mindset has also set the image of a mentor as one who stands in authority over another, and who serves as a gatekeeper for wealth, knowledge, or fame.
The church needs to go beyond mentoring. Rather than succumbing to our western society which values independence, the church needs to rediscover its roots in our interdependence. God created the church to do more than gather together, but to need each other. One picture used regularly to illustrate the interdependence of the church is the body of Christ (see 1 Cor 12; Rom 12).
Christians should be seeking symbiotic relationships, where each partner benefits from the relationship without assumptions of power, rank, or importance. A symbiotic relationship is a connection that is for the mutual benefit of each individual. Here are some marks of symbiotic relationships:
Relational versus Programmatic
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2014. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
We were designed by God to be in relationships with others. Church leadership needs to manage less programs, and become more relationally perceptive. Shepherds need to see who within our community would naturally connect in symbiotic relationships.
In nature, symbiotic relationships develop because both animals see the need, and are drawn by the natural benefits of the relationship. Those seeking relationships must ask, “Who has God placed near me?” and “Who am I naturally drawn towards?”
Authentic versus Staged
In typical mentorships, the mentor must come with the gathering staged or set. Whether it is a set list of questions, a specific topic, or even to allow the meeting unplanned, the mentor feels responsible for setting the stage. When this responsibility is laid solely upon one member, it can lead to a lack of authenticity.
Symbiotic relationships still require intentionality, but the responsibility is shared. Intentionality turns hanging out with a friend into building spiritual intimacy. Someone must lead the discussion towards our faith, and then allow the Holy Spirit to steer the time towards sacred space.
Learning versus Teaching
In symbiotic relationships, participants approach the relationship saying, “What can I learn?” Teaching is the natural outflow of two different parts of the Body of Christ working together, occurring without a lesson plan as the Spirit speaks through His word, the conversation, and sharing life.
Purpose-giving versus Purpose-driven
Rarely do people want to be someone else’s purpose-driven spiritual project. Unfortunately, sometimes mentors believe that they know exactly what their partner needs. (For instance, “I need to show them…”, or “They need to learn…”). One individual controls the relationship rather than letting God work freely. God always set the agenda of symbiotic relationship.
Symbiotic relationships provide personal significance. Our motivation for the relationship is not because I am supposed to do it, but because I see how my life matters to another person. As we walk away from a symbiotic relationship, both people are thinking, “Wow, I needed that.”
Many people who use the term “mentor” have already moved beyond the stereotypical and possibly unhealthy uses of the role. Regardless of the term you use, as a member of the Body of Christ, seek interdependent relationships.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of Emerging Adult Resources. He resides in Apple Valley, MN with his wife Rachel and three boys. If you would like to contact him, you can reach him at gdavid@earesources.org.
L
ast week, I shared some free on-line resources for parents of emerging adults. If you missed it, you can find it – HERE!
While there are not many free on-line resources for those seeking to help emerging adults, here are a few that I have found essential.
If you would like to recommend a website to this list, please contact Dr. G. David Boyd at gdavid@earesources.org.
© 2012 Israel_photo_gallery, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio
There are young adults are leaving the church (for various reasons), and while some are returning as they age – many others are walking away never to return. Continue reading
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Robert Photography. Copyright 2013. www.aaronrobertphotography.com
Parenting an emerging adult is not always easy. EA Resources is designed to provide resources to equip parents to prepare them for the journey ahead.
Here are some great sources to bookmark, or to subscribe to their e-mail subscriptions. They provide great insight into the challenges faced by emerging adults and their parents.
Center for Parent and Youth Understanding
If you know of a resource, please send me a link at gdavid@earesources.org.
© 2012 Chris Potter, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio
A range of circumstances can damage your credit. Loss of your job, getting behind on various loan payments, and carrying a high balance on your credit card can contribute to bad credit. As you begin the credit repair journey, it’s important to stay positive and to focus on doing it the right way. By having faith and taking control of the matter in a mature and morally responsible way, you can get your credit score back up again.
Ways to Repair Credit After Bankruptcy
Dire circumstances can sometimes force us to file for bankruptcy. After doing so, you must first understand where you stand. Firstly, you should know your credit score, which can be obtained for free once a year from Annual Credit Report. Know that filing for bankruptcy deeply hurts your credit (from 130 to 240 points), so prepare to see a low number. Check for any errors on the report, and notify the credit bureaus if you find any. Credit reporting errors can seriously damage your score.
Not all types of debt can be eliminated in bankruptcy, such as tax debts and student loans. Make a chart of these debts and then highlight those that have high balances or high interest rates.
Once you have a clear picture of what you owe, you need to figure out ways to get your balances lower, as making payments on time and lowering balances is the best way to improve credit. Another option is to open new lines of credit and paying off your balance each month.
© 2014 Sean MacEntee, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio
Change your financial habits as well. Repent for past mistakes by setting a financial plan for the future and having the willpower to stick to it. Have payment reminders sent to you so you know when money is due. Resist the temptation to spend on things you don’t need. Self-control can help a lot here, as you can put more money in your pocket each month with simple lifestyle changes, such as eating out less, renting movies instead of going to the theater, and carpooling to work. If you can, find extra work by using your networks in the neighborhood, at church, and within your family.
Ways to Repair Credit After Foreclosure
Anything from unemployment and underemployment to overspending can cause foreclosure. Losing your home is emotionally difficult, and sometimes it’s hard to focus on getting back on track.
The first thing you should do is make sure you and your family have a safe and affordable place to live. The monthly payment shouldn’t exceed 28 percent of your monthly income. Understand that you won’t be able to get a mortgage for three to seven years. Stay patient and positive, and work to rebuild your credit during this time.
Address your current financial situation and review all your debts. Plan to pay those with the highest interest rates and balances first. View your credit score, but don’t get too distraught even though it’s probably down anywhere from 85 to 160 points. Faith and the motivation to make positive changes are what you need, not negativity.
Work on ways to cut down on expenses and continue to pay down debt. Put those credit cards away unless you absolutely have to use them. Discipline is what you need right now.
Fixing your credit after falling on hard times takes patience, self-control, and willpower. It’s a long road, but the right blend of faith, lifestyle changes, and careful planning can put you on the bright road to credit recovery.
Jesse Woodhouse is a Team Lead at TopTenReviews. He is a proud husband and father and loves sports, music and the outdoors.
I found this image on the web, and wanted to share it with my readers. Other than being an Extreme Marvel Fan, I love how this comic defines the importance of becoming autonomous.
Autonomy is the ability to make decisions and deal with the consequences. Here are a few questions to test whether or not you are able to think and act for yourselves.
1. Can I tell someone “no” without worrying whether or not they still like me?
2. Do I have a clear understanding of who I am, and what I like (personal identity) which is distinct from those around me?
3. Can I make decisions without asking everyone around me?
4. Am I afraid to make decisions because I fear my decision will leave me alone or isolated from others?
5. Do I seek friends who look, act, and sound exactly like me?
6. Do I always wait to see what everyone else is doing before making a decision or expressing an opinion?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quicksilver_(comics)
7. Do I have trouble making decisions about what I like or want to do?
8. Can I tell someone my opinion without stress?
9. Am I able to withstand peer pressure?
10. Do I enjoy diversity, or does it make me uncomfortable?
Establishing your personal autonomy is crucial for your development into adulthood.
I wish that my journey into autonomy would have also granted me access into the X-men. I guess the good news is that I never have to wear a spandex suit.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources, a non-profit designed to encourage emerging adults and their parents.
“Sadly, some couples rush toward marriage as soon as they taste the initial burst of romance. They may have only dated for a few months, but their blissful feelings convince them that they are destined for each other.”
The article comes from Dating with Pure Passion: More than Rules, More than Courtship, More than a Formula by Rob Eagar, Copyright 2006.
For those considering engagement, here are some questions to consider:
1. Are you both married to Jesus?
2. Can you resolve conflict together?
3. Have you both dealt with your baggage?
4. Do you have the support of family and friends?
5. Have you sought pre-engagement counseling together?
6. Do you bring out the best in each other?
7. Is leadership properly established in your relationships?
8. Are you truly passionate about each other?
Read the article HERE.
While I don’t agree with everything stated in the article, I believe that it is important to carefully reflect before stepping into engagement.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources.
