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Many parents dream of the empty nest for years, while others dread it from the day that their children are born. When it comes, few people are able to adequately prepare for the changes that come after dropping off their children at college. Instead of enjoying the empty nest, some parents of emerging adults simply feel empty.
Dr. Guy Winch says, “there are few, if any roles more important, more time-consuming, or more meaningful than parenting. Therefore, being a parent is a large part of our identities. It defines who we are and what we do.” (link)
As children grow up and move out, many parents have a sense of great loss. This loss is often accompanied by stages of the grief cycles, and with a need to redefine aspects of the individual’s life. If you or someone you know is struggling with life after the empty nest, here are few tasks that stand between you and an enjoyable empty nest.
Redefine Yourself.
Our lives are defined by the roles we play in life. Parents spend hours each day caring for children and adolescents, and so once their children have left, they ask themselves, “Who am I apart from my children?”
As your children transition into adulthood, ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I enjoy?
- What skills do I have? What skills would I like to gain?
- Do I want to work? Do I want to change work?
- What do I want to experience, explore, or try?
- Who or where do I want to serve?
As your life changes, adapting is key to finding happiness and fulfillment.
Redefine your Relationships.
For the last eighteen years, many of your relationships have been defined by the activities and social circles of your children. You spent every Friday evening at the Football game watching your children, and every Sunday morning taking your children to a church where your kids were accepted. Your friend choices were based upon who has children, and who goes to your child’s school or sports team, rather than who you like. For the first time in many years, you get to ask yourself, “Who do I want to spend time with?”
Seriously, ask the question, and use your time and energy to rekindle old relationships, or make new ones.
During this transition, many marriage relationships must be rekindled. After years of attending school musicals and family vacations to Disney World, some couples don’t remember how to spend time together. Couples need to redefine their relationship, or they will fill their time with meaningless entertainment that will only expand the gap in their marriage relationships. We must spend some of our time on each other, or we both will miss both the feeling of being loved, and being needed.
The empty nest years are often a time when individuals choose to go church shopping. Even if unhappy, parents often remain within a spiritual community because their children were growing in their faith. As their children leave home and find their own faith communities, the parents are free to make their own transitions.
Redefine your Home.
You have many memories sitting around the breakfast table, or playing catch in the backyard. However, instead of ringing with laughter, the hallways are now… simply silent. This silence is currently driving you crazy. For this reason, many parents decide to make changes including: rearranging rooms, removing children’s bedrooms, or even downsizing. Other families may choose to keep the home, but invite foreign exchange students, boarders, or new friends in order to make use of their home.
The empty nest will change your life, and allows you to choose how to spend your energy, time, and money. Enjoy these decisions. However, learning to redefine yourself will not happen overnight. It will take some time before you make the empty nest becomes comfortable, and all that you want it to be.
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Managing Director of EA Resources. He still remembers and mourns the day that the bedroom where he grew up was declared no longer his property. He has a passion to help Emerging Adults and their parents navigate through the 20’s.
