As a woman, you can either face your struggles by turning into them, or running away. But as a mother when your children struggle, you face, feel, and are oppressed by the same pain; and yet cannot fix it.
© 2008 David J Laporte, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio
I first knew that we were in trouble by the telephone calls that came when we shipped our little girl off to college. She would call me up, and squeak out “hi” before the tears overtook her. As parents, we began to ask whether this was normal homesickness, or something more that we should be concerned about?
We knew that she was shy, so we would encourage her to open her door, and go down the hall. We knew the solution wasn’t that simple, but I knew that she needed hope. So I did what I could over the long distance, and hung up feeling empty.
What I needed was to drive to school, to pick up my baby girl, and bring her home.
As we discovered that our little girl’s problems were deeper than she revealed, I began a journey of my own.
A journey that began with self-doubt. What did we do wrong? What could we have done differently? How could I not have seen this, and stopped it? I knew that my husband and I had been very careful about what we said concerning her weight and eating habits throughout life. We never talked about her being unhealthy or over-eating. It took a lot of family discussion before we even allowed a doll in the house because we wanted to protect her view of her body. Yet the doubt kept coming.
In spite of all our work to protect her – my daughter has an eating disorder. My daughter had to accept it, and so did I. I then realized that I cannot protect my children, I can only respond to the pain that comes their way.
As I reflect, there are several things that helped our girl in this journey.
1. I let her know that she didn’t have to go back to college. There is so much pressure in our society to go to college. I wanted our daughter to know that if she didn’t go back, then there would be other routes to a healthy life. Letting her see the options, and our approval released so much stress, and freed her from the prison that she had created for herself.
2. I affirmed her own decisions. My daughter made the decision to go to counseling. She made the decision to change schools. She made the decision where she would go next. At one moment during the journey, her father questioned her direction. In that moment, I saw her resolve quiver, and then in a moment that I will not forget, she stood up to her father. I knew in that moment that we were no longer dealing with a little girl, but with a grown adult (Autonomy).
3. I learned the role that she wanted me to have. I made some mistakes in the journey. I made assumptions that I should not have, and overstepped my daughter’s boundaries. Somewhere along the journey, I learned through open communication what she needed from me. We set up a system where we designated time to discuss her current emotional and physical health. This allowed us to enjoy life without the pain being the focus of our whole family, and our entire lives.
4. I shared my concern without sharing my own emotional journey. As a parent, your heart breaks as your child is suffering; however, displaying your struggles can erode their confidence. This is why it is important to have people in your life that you can encourage you in your journey alongside of them. As a parent, your own emotions can interrupt open communication with your emerging adult. I knew that if I broke down every time she came to me, then she would seek comfort somewhere else.
© 2006 stephanie carter, Flickr | CC-BY-ND | via Wylio
My daughter’s journey led me to mine. It was not easy, and it is never going to go away. Our journey will always contain my daughter’s eating disorder or the fear of its return. I have come to a point of acceptance, and only by the daily grace of God, I release the fear, and walk by faith.
Other articles on eating disorders: My Eating Disorder, How to Help Others, Eating Disorder Rant.
