Earlier this week, I shared an article from Thom Rainer about the changes in the sexual standards and beliefs of Millennials. While the article shows how things have changed, it doesn’t explore how to respond.
Few Christians doubt that society’s views of sex have changed. The bigger question is, “How does a church respond?”
Many people only see the two extreme responses: perceived relevancy and change of beliefs or perceived irrelevancy and standing up for sexual morality. Forging a path that is not characterized by either extreme is not easy, and nor will all Christians agree on the path to get there; however, that should not keep us from trying.
I first want to state that the discussion of changing sexual norms is not simply limited to the Millennial generation. As society drifts from a Christian worldview, our views of sex will change. I am not sure why we as Christians are sometimes surprised by this. All of life is different when God is either not considered, or is considered irrelevant. So the discussion is not simply about Millennials, but how to address changing sexual norms to all generations.
So here are some launching points for the discussion:
1. Being Aware.
© 2008 Richard foster, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio
When we are unaware, we make assumptions. Assumptions about sexual standards during messages, videos, and counseling sessions erect walls and barriers. For example, don’t assume that the couple who comes to you to be married, believe that premarital sex is wrong, or that oral sex is considered sex. As a pastor, I have gotten into situations where I made assumptions about a person’s beliefs about sex, and ruined my opportunity to meet them where they were at. When assumptions are made, those who disagree feel immediately judged because their beliefs were no considered even possible. Now feeling disregarded, they will not share what they really believe in any area of their lives.
Walls are built, and our opportunity to bring healing is over.
2. Choosing our Audience.
We need to remember our audience. I am not talking about whether your church is seeker-oriented, seeker-sensitive, or seeker-free (which describes more churches than we care to admit!). Our messages should be shaped to those who are listening. There are ways of speaking to a public group, and there are ways to speak to private individual(s).
© 2012 DaveLawler, Flickr | CC-BY-ND | via Wylio
Public declaration of sexual norms should not be made without fully addressing and supporting them. If you don’t have time to truly discuss a belief, and the questions that people might have as a result of your statement, then do not mention it. I have heard statements made in sermons that are simply made to get a hearty “Amen” rather than to bring healing and restoration to those who are listening.
Private conversations in a discipleship context, allow the speaker to address more issues. A private context allows for questions to be asked, and for specific issues to be addressed. It is difficult to openly discuss sexuality in any context, but as Christians when we are granted access, we are given a real platform for speaking about how Lordship to Christ.
Churches need to wrestle with whether their public worship service is the place to deal with sex. While this platform may be heard by the most people, it does not mean that it is the most effective at bringing change. If a community believes in private conversations, then they must make avenues that are accessible for people to get help. Whether a community believes in public declarations or private conversations, context and tone is key.
3. Controlling our Tone.
© 2008 Michael Tracey, Flickr | CC-BY | via Wylio
Whether you are speaking from a public platform or a private setting, your tone of voice affects the reception of your message. For example, when speaking of sexual norms, do you speak as if the sky is falling? Many times, speakers feel as if they need to speak in extremes in order to be heard. The future of the church is not at stake because of the sexual norms of Millennials. The future of the church is never at stake. If you doubt this, then go to 1 Kings 19.
In 1 Kings 19, Elijah after a wonderful revelation of God’s power loses faith, and believes that He alone is left that is following God. “The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.” Many Christians share this same mentality, but God responds, “Yet I will leave 7,000 in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him.”
God says that He will leave 7,000 as a remnant. The church is God’s bride, and it is no danger of extinction.
There is much to say about the tone of voice when addressing the issues of sexuality and other issues (and the post would be too long to address it all in one post). Look for up-coming post, “Is your church TONE deaf?”
4. Remembering the real solution.
It is easy to get side-tracked from what people really need. Our society does not need to return to Puritanism, Phariseeism, or any other perceived form of sexual utopia where all biblical standards of sex are observed. Our world, our community, our neighbors, our children need to surrender their lives to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
Don’t forget that “society’s norms” are always going to run contrary to how Jesus Christ called us to live. Whether discussing sex, finances, or work, a church that proclaims the radical discipleship of Christ, is calling people to leave the life they are in, and to move towards the abundant life that He came to give us.
As a church calls people to radical discipleship, the call of Jesus and the movement of the Spirit will speak into lives and call them to replace the norms of society with the “norms” of a life dedicated to Jesus.
I believe that no religious community needs to change their beliefs in order to attract Millennials; however, changes need to be made.
Is your church willing to take the journey?
Dr. G. David Boyd is the Founder and Director of EA Resources, a non-profit dedicated to helping parents and churches understand the lives of emerging adults. If you are interested in having Dr. Boyd help your community, contact him at gdavid@earesources.org.
