“Two can eat as cheaply as one- if one doesn’t eat. Or if you like Ramen…alot”
The wedding only begins the process of two people becoming one. Becoming one involves much more than our physical intimacy. It involves fusing our emotions, social networks, spiritual communities, our daily schedule, and our finances.
If you are in the process of fusing your finances, here is some advice from other emerging adults.
1. Be Honest
Honesty about your finances is essential towards building trust in your relationships. Hiding past credit debt is dishonest, even if you want to pay it off yourself. Sometimes a partner will hold back information because of shame or guilt over past decisions. They are not sure their partner will still love or respect them if they discover their questionable financial decisions. Revealing our past financial failures, helps you experience your partner’s acceptance and love.
It is essential that each partner be honest about their spending habits, debt, credit score, and savings. One emerging adult said, “I think what was easy is that we knew each other’s financial situations in detail so we were fully aware of our plan of action for when we became married and where we would allocate our earnings.” Holding back information can be detrimental to the trust needed in early marriage.
2. Yours and Mine Becomes Ours
Prenuptial agreements, and keeping separate finances have become quite common in a world where many say “I don’t.” soon after “I do.” I believe that financial consolidation is important for the stability, communication, and simplicity of your marriage. One couple states, “We knew what we had to work with and consolidated most of our finances into two places. It was much easier to keep track of and deal with than several places.”
While the process of fusing your finances may begin before the wedding (with each partner contributing towards expenses), I encourage couples to wait until after the ceremony to officially change your bank accounts. One EA described joining their bank accounts as a private rite of passage celebrated by the new couple after the ceremony. It is also more convenient to wait until after the wedding because most documentation will be easier after the couple have their official paperwork.
Refuse Guilt. A partner should hold no shame or guilt over what they bring into a marriage. One emerging adults shares, “I feel bad that I don’t make as much money as him. I have to work hard to view everything that I do as valuable, even though I make less money and brought more debt.”
It is not just what you are currently making that affects your financial fusion, but it is also what debt you brought with you. It is essential for partners to accept debt as equal owners, in order to move towards financial freedom as a couple. One Emerging adult says, I tend to feel like it is MY debt, but he fully takes it on as his own. I guilt myself a lot about it, but he views everything as ours.” A spouse who shows grace for financial mistakes will help establish unconditional love. Another Emerging adults say, “We are still working on paying college debt off. We work together to accomplish this goal and it will to take a few years. After two become one, the debt is not yours or mine, but ours.” Accomplishing financial goals like paying off debt can build your teamwork, and builds confidence.
Accepting your spouse’s financial situation may require you to appreciate your different backgrounds and financial support. One emerging adult writes, “my husband had no idea what it was like being completely on your own without mom and dad to fall back on. I, on the other hand, didn’t have anyone to fall back on.” Each partner had a different financial support system which greatly affected their financial situation, and taught their spending and saving habits. Learn to appreciate each partner.
3. Expect Differences in Spending
Even if you feel that you have discussed every area of your finances, surprises await even the most prepared couple. For example, those beautiful haircuts that you love, were not cheap. Or the video game that he enjoys (and you hate) has a regular price tag attached. Some couples do not talk about money because of the conflict that can arise. One couple writes, “We have very different views on spending. I will say that we do not argue or really even discuss money.” Couples need to discuss money on a regular basis.
Each partner will have different definitions of wants and needs, and unique perspectives on how to spend money. The couple must establish equal freedom to spend money for fun things. One couple says, “I’m more of a spender, and he’s more of a saver. I’m more likely to spend on more frivolous items (ie: new curtains, or a rug, etc.), whereas he would prefer to just hold onto that money.”
The biggest conflict comes not about how to spend on the necessities of life, but how to decide what to do with extra spending money in the budget. One couple describes this, “The most difficult part is agreeing what to spend money on. For instance, my wife loves to shop and buy clothes, and I like to spend money on car/motorcycle parts and XBox.” Another couple says, “I’d rather save, save, save and go on vacation to exotic places and he’d rather just buy toys to enjoy from the comforts of home.” These are not issues of right or wrong, but of interest and values.
4. Use couples strengths.
There are a number of gender stereotypes that exist in our world today about who should handle the finances. Rather than being forced into stereotypes, decide as a couple who will manage the family’s finances. One couple writes, “My husband is much better with numbers than I am, so he generally handles the bills.” Their decision is not based upon gender, but upon personal skills and abilities.
Ask yourselves questions like: Who pays the most attention to detail? Who has time in their schedule to work through the details of our finances? Who will be the least stressed while doing our finances? What parts of our finances do both of us need to address together?
It is important to understand your spouse’s strengths and weaknesses, and then agree upon a system that both partners understand and can contribute towards.
5. Save Together
Everyone knows it is a good idea to save, but when you are an emerging adult with limited income and college loans, it is very difficult. As a young couple, different viewpoints of money become obvious when they discuss how to save more money. “We saved in different ways and didn’t always see why the other saved money in certain fashions. We also had different views on when and how to spend money. Mostly that was for bigger purchases that we contemplated for a while, sometimes it was smaller things because of our limited resources.”
One couple shares their secret to saving, “We live without all the extra luxuries (such as eating out, junk food, pop, etc. We don’t have T.V. and have even lived without internet for a while), besides that we make conscious decisions about ALL of our purchases. While many emerging adults live in two-income households, try to live off one. One couple shares, “We live off of only what he makes, so I can pour all of my money into getting rid of debt and some savings.”
In the end, saving like spending will require both partners to work together. Both partners must have a determined will to spend less than they make…regardless of the amount.
Fusing your finances is like fusing the other aspects of your life. It requires patience, communication, and time. As the years pass, it will become more natural as the two of you become one.
