I grew up going to church every Sunday with my family. As the youngest of four boys, we drove each Sunday to church in a little Chevet Diesel. It was a little tight at times, and let’s just say that we didn’t always wear our seatbelts.
During high school, however, my brothers made it quite clear that they no longer wanted to be apart of the church. For a few years, my parents forced them to attend, but their faith was not real. Sunday mornings at our home were a war zone. Their departure from our family faith lead to many conflicts through the years.
I understand the pain that this can cause parents.
I have seen it on the face of my mother.
The pain is etched into the eyes of my father.
When Emerging adults leave the faith of their childhood behind, parents struggle with how to respond. It is a hard adjustment for parents when an EA stops going to church. It even harder when they declare another religion, or none at all. One EA writes, “It was a bigger deal when I announced that I was converting to Judaism.” She believes it is because, “You can bring back a backslider, but you can’t bring back someone who pretty much rejects ‘salvation’ altogether.”
If you find yourself in this unwanted place, and don’t know how to respond, here are few basic thoughts to point you in the right direction.
1. Refuse stereotypes and assumptions.
Our world is full of people making guesses and assumptions about why young adults leave the faith. Not all Millenials are the same, but each has a different journey and community that has affected their faith. Each person’s story is unique. Drew Dyck’s Generation Ex-Christian is helpful because it describes the personal reasons why young adults leave the faith rather than making broad statements about a generation.
Don’t make assumptions about your child until you have asked. One EA writes, “I never felt that my parents really understood me or my motivations. They didn’t really ask, either.”
Many EAs are willing to share why if they know your love is unconditional. We teach about a God who loves us unconditionally, yet as fallen humans we love conditionally. It is important to show your child that your love is not dependent on them believing like you. Your love is based on the fact that you are their parent, and that God placed them in your care.
2. Listen to your child.
When you take time to talk about their faith, discipline yourself to listen. Don’t judge, criticize or defend your own faith. When EAs share their faith, most have no intention to convert others, or destroy another’s faith.
They just wanted to be treated as an adult who is intelligent, and have the freedom to develop their own beliefs.
As you are listening, do not read their childhood beliefs back into their adult lives. If we feel like we know their answers, we will not listen. Children grow up, and change along the way. Parents sometimes cling to certain stages of a child’s development rather than learning to love who they currently are. Your child is not who they used to be, and as parents, you must learn to love them for who they are.
3. Stop trying to control.
Can you ask your EA a question about faith without it leading into an argument? When discussing religion, do you feel the need to be right (and for them to be wrong?). These questions will reveal if you are struggling to allow your child to be autonomous. As a parent you must allow them the freedom to develop their own beliefs, then please know that communication lines on the topic or all communication will shut down.
You love your child. Watching a child leave your faith, is an extremely difficult process. We all want our children to follow after Christ, but we have no control over their decisions. This painful process can cause parents to lose their own spiritual growth, their relationship with their child, or both.
Ultimately, as a parent, you must surrender your desires for your child to God. This act of faith may be one of the hardest steps of your journey.
There is much more that can be said on this topic. Please leave your thoughts on how to respond to children who have left their faith.
Resources
You Lost Me. By David Kinnaman
Generation Ex-Christian by Drew Dyck
As a mother of seven children one of the biggest regrets is that the children were not raised in a church. As they were growing up I lost my faith. Because I was in an abusive situation, prayed and nothing changed, Now that I am through it, I see that God was there all the time.
Now I am praying that my children will come to Jesus and some have, some are teetering on the brink and some do not want to hear about. I pray for them. I do not really try to convert them but I simply tell them that I believe and why. My prayer because it is my statement of faith that they will come to believe.
As parents we know that God is there beckoning even in our unbelief. We do not know what will happen in their lives that they will have to only depend on God. What a comfort for us to know that He is their waiting for them and us.
Thanks for sharing your heart. You are not alone in how you feel, and I love what you have shared. It is a comfort to know that God is waiting for them and us. Thanks for sharing in this community.