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Just because you have graduated from school does not mean that you no longer need your parents. Our need for a community is a basic human need, and not something you ever outgrow. In an attempt to become independent, sometimes EA’s make the mistake of becoming too distant from their parents. While you do need to become more autonomous, it is okay for your parents to remain apart of your community.
Due to the quantities of issues and decisions that you are facing, you need quality time with your parents (or other older adults who you can trust). While each person’s quality time will look different, here are a few ways to make the most of your time with your parents.
Make sure your time with them is…
1. Focused
Quality time is difficult to achieve when interrupted by the constant demand of media. While at a restaurant, I saw all four members of a family eating lunch with their phones out playing games, texting, and surfing the web, rather than being present with one another. So many times families sit in the same room, but are in different worlds. While media and technology can be a blessing, they can also be a curse. Make sure you are fully present when talking to your parents.
2. Two-sided
Emerging adults often get stereotyped as being self-centered (which is not fair because all people are naturally self-centered – I know that I am.) As you mature, your relationship with your parents should develop into a two-sided relationship (a relationship where both parties equally give and receive).
The view of your parents which has only seen their role as your mother and father should be changing. They are not simply parents, but have other roles as a brother, son, employee, community volunteer, church member. As you get to know your parents as adults, ask them questions about their lives, their work, and how they feel. Your parents have good and hard days. They have struggles and disappointments. As an adult, make sure you invest in this new phase of relationship with your parents.
3. Unhurried
College life can be filled with activity. While you might have bonding moments amidst the busyness of life, quality time flourishes when not rushed. When we rush through life, we don’t have time to truly appreciate it, or allow time for reflection. Don’t just call mom and dad while walking between classes, or running between events. Time with your parents is not something you do in between events, but is an event. Schedule a time, and prioritize it.
Quality time is it is often unappreciated. We often don’t appreciate the quality time we have with each other until sickness or death threatens to take it away.
Finding quality time with your parents isn’t always easy. Since you have left home, their lives have continued on. In order to get enough attention, you will need to work for it. You will need to ask for it. You may need to demand it. A basic building block of a strong relationship is feeling wanted. Many parent/child relationships fall apart during the college years because children give signs that they don’t want their parents. Do you parents know that you don’t want money, but that above all you want a relationship with them?
Instead of a text, find some time today to talk to one of your parents.
Dr. G. David Boyd has been a pastor and friend to EA’s for the past twelve years. He still enjoys spending quality time with his parents who live in Indiana.
