We often hear the expression quality time, but what exactly does that mean. While I cannot define what that means for you and your family. Here are a few ways to see how much of your time is quality time.
Quality time is…
1. Unrushed
While you might have bonding moments in the busyness of life, quality time flourishes during the quiet moments of life. It is hard to have quality time when you are simply moving together from one activity to the other. When we rush through life, we don’t have time to truly appreciate it, or allow time for reflection. You may need to schedule blocks of time in which activities are not allowed. I know some families who have a rule that everyone is home on Sunday evenings. This unrushed time together sets the stage for quality time.
2. Unpredictable
There are no rules about the setting when it comes to family time. It could be anyplace, at anytime. Some adolescents and EA’s only talk openly late at night. As a college student, my quality with my parents usually took place at the foot of their bed in the middle of the night. As a parent, your challenge is to be ready – day or night. In Dueteronomy 6:4-7, the Shema instructs Jewish families to teach children in all settings. “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Look for opportunities to turn the menial tasks of life into significant moments. Not through over-spiritualize everything (that won’t go over well with EA’s), but looking for when God shows up.
3. Unscripted
Quality time should be unscripted. Your emerging adult children want to know you not simply as their parents, but as peers. As your relationship changes, parents need to become more open with their children about their flaws and emotions. While your children may not be able to handle all your emotions and flaws, they do need to see that you are human -and real. How can they learn to handle their own emotions if you don’t show them by example? It is okay to show them who you really are even if it isn’t who you always want to be. What a relief to know that they want you to be real, and not perfect. Available to listen more than answer questions. Able to sympathize more than able to fix.
4. Uncluttered
Quality time should be uncluttered. It should not be focused on the day to day things of life, but on the deeper issues. Don’t allow topics like soccer practice, schoolwork, household chores, and the latest media consume your conversations. Quality time isn’t based on organizing your schedules. While these things are important, they are not central to our lives and will fade with time. Another way that quality time becomes cluttered is by the constant interruption of media. While at a restaurant, I saw four members of a family eating lunch with their phones out playing games, rather than being present with one another. So many times families sit in the same room, but they are in different worlds. While media and technology can be a blessing, they can also be a curse. Make sure you are fully present.
5. Unfettered
Quality time should be unfettered. Many homes are filled with elephants in the room that nobody wants to talk about. A prerequisite for quality time is an open relationship. How many topics are off limits in your family? As your children age, you will have different values, beliefs, and opinions. As parents, you will need to learn to control your attitude if you want to maintain an open relationship with your emerging adult. Tension of various types can shut down quality time. For example, you cannot have quality time with your child when just an hour ago you lost your temper, and didn’t apologize. On the flip side, an apology and granting forgiveness is a precursor for quality time. Notice that I didn’t say that all quality time is happy, but sometimes it is filled with tears.
6. Unappreciated
Quality time is it is often unappreciated. We don’t appreciate the quality time we have with each other until sickness or death threatens to take it away.
So I’m calling you as parents to look into the eyes of your emerging adults, or your adolescent children. Figure out what you are missing in your time together, and fix it. Don’t deceive yourselves by believing that all time spent together is quality time. Just eating together at the same table won’t produce a healthy happy family.
It is what happens at the table that makes the difference.
David is the Founder and Managing Director and Editor for EA Resources. He also writes for www.morethanabeard.com.
