Paying for the Dream Wedding

“On average, US couples spend $25,656 for their wedding. However, the majority of couples spend between $19,242 and $32,070. This does not include cost for a honeymoon.”   (www.costofwedding.com.)  If that seems high, don’t worry – it is.  According to one author, couples should not be looking at the average cost, but the median cost which is much lower.  Either number can seem overwhelming, so what should the couple do as they prepare to say, “I do.”

The days of traditional weddings where the bride’s family pays for the wedding and reception while the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner appear to be gone.  The rising costs of weddings, and the breakdown of the nuclear family have made these traditional roles a thing of the past.  I believe that ultimately, the responsibility of planning and paying for the wedding should be taken on by the couple.

So in today’s culture, what should you do as you make plans for your wedding day?

1.  Talk first with your parents about finances.

Before you find the perfect dress, or book the reception hall, make sure that you have talked to parents about what they are able to contribute towards the cost of the wedding.  Don’t make assumptions about what they will or will not do, but discuss it openly and honestly.  Don’t talk solely about finances, but discuss possible roles in helping plan the wedding, and what expectations they might have.  (Sometimes parents feel that if they are contributing, then they should have some say about what happens, and who attends.)

Regardless of their financial contributions, try to include both sides of the family.  One EA writes, “Because my parents paid for the ceremony, I would have the tendency to not include my mother-in-law. I tried to intentionally fight against this way of thinking because it is so selfish and silly, but the sin in my heart just wanted to do everything with my mom.”   She continues, “In the end, my intentionality with her was really helpful and our relationship is stronger because of it.”

Clarity is important.  Whether the parents give you an amount, or a list of what they will pay for, it is important that you be on the same team.  One EA says, “We talked through it all and made sure it was clear who was paying for what. We had a detailed spreadsheet with all expenses. This helped us avoid last-minute spending (which can be emotional, impulsive and expensive!).”

2.  Set a budget and Avoid Debt.

Both parents and emerging adults encourage others to avoid wedding debt.  Avoid the pressures of society that affirm lavish spending because you only do this once.  While you should plan on only getting married once, you also don’t want to be paying for it for the rest of your life.  One mother wrote, “Lord would never want a wedding celebration to thrust a young couple into debt! or therefore their parents either. Carefully consider the expenses of a wedding and do not get sucked into shows like Say Yes to the Dress!”

Another emerging adult says, “My advice to others would be do not let yourself go into debt for your wedding. Don’t start your marriage in a financial hole. Combining incomes is hard enough without adding unnecessary debt.  It is possible to set a budget and stick with it — no matter what, even if it does mean you can’t invite a distant cousin.”

3.  Learn to Work Together.

Planning your wedding is the first opportunities for a couple to learn to work together.  Negotiation and conflict skills are essential for a healthy marriage.  So don’t panic if you and your fiancé have different ideas about the day.  Both of you will have to compromise, and will grow in your level of trust for one another.   One couple stated, “We budgeted and planned on our own. It meant we learned how to communicate and work together in different ways, it was like an introduction to our marriage.”

4.  Simple is Better. 

When planning keep in mind, this is a one day event and memories aren’t necessarily made by having an expensive wedding.  Because of the complexity of the event, many couples struggle to remember it.  One parent writes, “Keeping it simple helps keep the stress level down.”   Culture and wedding magazines would love to dictate what you must do for a successful wedding, but don’t listen.

One mother writes, “I strongly believe that the larger, expensive, over-the-top weddings of today have taken away the focus on why we are really there in the first place – the couple that is starting their lives together.  The fancy dinners, flowers, and the million tiny details (that stress everyone out ahead of time) actually take away from the focus and the beauty of the two people God has brought together who are vowing to love one another for the rest of their lives.”

Remembering the reason for the day should guide your decisions and your budget.  One emerging adult said, “It’s about the commitment before the Lord, and you’re really not competing with anyone. Make your wedding about you and your husband, not about pleasing parents or guests, or even having a ‘magazine’ worthy wedding everyone admired.”

Ultimately, it is your wedding day.  As Christians, the beauty of your marriage ceremony should not be based on outward appearances, but on what God has done.   One emerging adults summed it up well when he said,

“If it’s about Jesus and your soon-to-be spouse, the peripheral things of the day start to matter less.”

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