“Mom, I want to come home.” While these words in many contexts are music to a parent’s ears, they are not what you expected or wanted to hear from your emerging adult. One parent of EA’s writes, “It is a good thing–that they appreciate what ‘home’ is all about–but mom and dad need to resist the urge to rush to their college student’s side the minute they hear the quiver in their voice!”
What can and should you do when the child who couldn’t wait to leave is now begging to return?
Whether it is when they leave home for college, to their first job, or to be married, most EA’s will have times when they feel homesick. It is a normal, healthy reaction to the changes in their lives, and when faced with the pressure of building a new community.
1. Don’t downplay their feelings.
Nobody wants their emotions to be minimized. Responses like, “You’re fine,” “You over-reacting,” and “It’s not that bad,” can cause frustration and rejection. When they call, most EA’s already know that they are over-emotional and not thinking rationally. They call because want to express these emotions with someone, and to receive sympathy and support without fear of being judged.
In our western culture that idolizes individualism, many EA’s have been taught that feelings of homesickness are only for babies. Many will not share these feelings with peers out of fear that they will be judged. Make sure that your child feels heard and understood without judgment.
2. Listen to what they need.![tommy_portrait_blackwhite_690882_h[1]](http://www.earesources.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/tommy_portrait_blackwhite_690882_h1.jpg)
As they talk, listen for the cause of their emotions. Although on the route to adulthood, some EA’s don’t have the problem-solving skills that they need in order to identify their feelings, and why they feel them. Help them process their emotions. A crisis like a poor test grade, a failed relationship, or roommate disagreement is often a tipping point where an EA cannot keep their emotions in check.
There will be times when there is no crisis, but that they are simply lonely, and want to hear your voice. One EA writes about the power of her father’s voice, ““Hearing his voice always made me feel better– especially when we talked about little, everyday things.” EA’s often want to talk about the simple every day matters of life – about the weather, the family pet, siblings, or what you had for dinner. All these things trigger memories, and help them remember that not everything in their life is changing.
3. Find new ways to stay connected to your child.
In their journey to adulthood, the relationship between you and your child will change, but it should not end. In this new phase of life, find new ways to connect with your child. One EA writes that, “my family plays euchure over Skype with a custom made card holder.” It is a simple way for the family to remain close in spite of distance.
While you can remain close over distance, remember that campus visits are important to many emerging adults. One EA says, “I always REALLY wanted my parents to come visit me as school and understand my life there. In a way that validates your journey forward and helps merge the two worlds and gives you courage and strength to move into the next stage. For a variety of reasons they never came, and sometimes it felt like they were missing major portions of who I was and what God was doing in my life. I wanted them to come to class with me, go to my church, and understand my experiences.” Many EAs know that they are changing, and want you to be apart of that process.
4. Know your boundaries.
Refrain from natural desire to “helicopter parent” (hovering overhead in order to swoop in and solve problems). Listen and help identify solutions to their problems, but do not step in. Stepping over boundaries would involve calls made to the Dean, a professor, or to roommates. One parent says, “What we CAN do is remind them that they are not alone, listen when they need it, and pray with them.” An important step in adulthood is the ability to become autonomous. Don’t do for your child what they can and should be doing for themselves.
With the battles of autonomy over, you might discover your relationship with your child to be stronger and healthier than ever. One EA said, “I found myself talking to my parents a lot more after I moved away than I did when we actually lived in the same house!”
Homesickness is a sign that you did you job well as a parent, taught them the importance of love and a healthy community. Walk alongside of them as they seek to develop a community on their own.
