I am no expert when it comes to helping those in pain. (if such a thing really exists!) I have done my fair share of saying things that I should not while at the bedside of a loved one, or at a funeral home.
Here are some ideas of how you can help with those who are hurting. Feel free to add your own to the list.
1. Be Available.
When a friend is in pain, it can be difficult to know what to do. Our own anxiety over how to help them and deal with our own emotions causes us to withdraw rather than help. If you are close to them, then remain close. If you would normally call them everyday, then continue to do so. If you are not that close, then don’t force intimacy with them, unless they reach out first. Grieving people need space from others, but they also need space from their pain. If you are not sure what to do, or when to be around, then ask them. They will tell you their true feelings. The important thing is to be available.
2. Be Yourself.
When someone is hurting, there is so much that is changing and unsteady. If someone reaches out to you in the midst of their pain, it is because of who you are. There is no need to change into what you think they need. If you are funny, stay funny. If you are energetic, be energetic. People in grief do not want everyone around them walking on eggshells. Yes, they are fragile, but they don’t want everyone to change the moment they walk into the room.
3. Mourn when appropriate.
The bible tells us that we should, “Mourn with those who mourn.” When your friend is sad, be with them in that sadness. You don’t have to force tears, if that is not you. However, be with them in that sadness. One night at seminary, a good friend of mine got dumped by a girl, and was broken-hearted. A night that was supposed to be filled with studying, became a night filled with tears. I sat in silence beside him as he cried, occasionally showing him my support and presence. That night forever sealed our friendship, and we served as “best men” for each other in our weddings. It is always appropriate to send cards, e-mails, or Facebook messages letting them know your love and support. These message let them know your support without forcing them to respond. When a person is in mourning, it is tough to constantly discuss their pain face-to-face.
4. Laugh when appropriate. “A merry heart does good like medicine.” People in pain don’t want to mourn all the time. They need time to laugh and smile. People living near those in pain sometimes need a break from the pain through a night on the town, a movie, or serious game of Settlers. Pull them from their home, and give them a break. They often long for the normal routine of life. Reminisce with them over the good times in life, and God’s blessing. These moments can be a spot of sunlight on an otherwise cloudy season of life.
5. Guard your words.
Psalm 141:3 is Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. Job’s friends came to Job and sat with him in mourning for many days without speaking a word. Unfortunately, once they opened their mouth, it all went quickly downhill. Pray for God’s direction over your time spent with them. Don’t be shocked if your hurting friend is angry at you, the world, or God. They are hurting and their emotions are up and down. Just because they say they are angry with God does not mean that they are ready to walk away from faith. Don’t over-react to their words, or try to correct their theology of God and Evil. What should you say? LESS is MORE.
Overall, those in grief will not remember the words you said (right or wrong), they will remember that you were there.
